Lessons and Ramblings

We at the Pacifist Viking household are expecting a little pacifist viking soon. We have names picked out. And here's some advise to people--if an expecting couple tells you the names they've picked out for their future child, don't grimace, make ugly sounds, frown, make fun, or say "Are you serious?" Clearly they've picked the names for good reasons--if you insult their name choices, you can only annoy them or worse. And if you are the one to bother asking about the names, then you have no business making fun. And if you think every kid in America should just be named Mike or Katieor any plain common name, you're a dull boring person and shouldn't bother people with your ideas at all. No offense to anybody named Mike or Katie or anybody who named their kids Mike or Katie.

Don't forget to use the gift cards you got for Christmas. Retail outlets make mucho dinero off of unused gift cards. Don't leave a single penny on them. There's no reason for the bourgeoisie to give free money to the capitalist fatcats. We should at least get cheap and lousy products out of it.

Santa Claus is a capitalist religious figure. The Revolution begins with the people. So the next time you see a mall Santa, beat him with a stick. Joking, joking! I'm a pacifist. This Revolution needs to be peaceful. Just call him a dirty porker. Maybe make a sign that says, "Did Santa die for my sins?" The key during the entire experience is to take yourself way too seriously and have utterly no sense of humor.

In all seriousness, the new arrival at the Pacifist Viking household will be taught about Santa, but will not ever be told that he's real. It will be for play play, not for real real. There's no harm in a fun celebration; I just don't want to teach my kid to believe in something that I know not to be true.

Sven has been on TV a lot lately, and now that Christmas is over, he's mostly just doing what he does mediocrely, which is read the weather, not what he does horribly, which is interact with rubes on camera. Our feelings are still mixed. He has maintained a nice winter tan, after all. I mean, I know that it's unseasonably warm and that it was raining last night when it should have been a wicked snowstorm, but that's just one tan man.

I'm now a vegan. I am a vegan for one reason and one reason alone: to act morally superior to everybody I meet. Just kidding! I'm a vegan for other reasons, and the chance to act morally superior is a pleasant side effect. No, I'm still kidding, I don't act morally superior to people. I was at a soiree last night watching people eat pork and shrimp egg spring rolls, and I kept to myself that pigs are as smart as dogs. I just watched them all eating little Wilburs, silently judging them.

Have a good new year, ladies and gentlemen. I know the first day of the year is usually spent hung over, and I guess that's as it should be. Pleasant parties, everybody.