Irish and St. Patrick's Day

As you can see on his blog, Sven Sundgaard was grand marshall for St. Paul's St. Patrick's Day parade. As Sven says, "I don't have an ounce of Irish blood in me, but they still invited me to be in the parade."

I am also zero percent Irish. But my wife is: once at a family gathering, one of her relatives asked me how much Irish I was. "Zero," I said. Anyway, I generally don't celebrate or recognize St. Patrick's Day. It doesn't make any sense to me. I'm not Catholic, I'm not Irish, and I don't make excuses to drink--I just do it.

But good for non-Irish Sven enjoying the day.

Daytime TV

Is TNT just going to change its station name to "Law and Order" already? I also find it slightly interesting that the "Law and Order" cast has prominantly featured three pretty well-known stage actors: Jerry Orbach, Jesse L. Martin, and Sam Waterston.

"Dr. Phil" is a total dick. I once heard him say something like "That sounds like ____ to me, but I'm not a doctor. Er...I'm not that kind of doctor." Yesterday he had a guy on with a sex addiction. Everything the guy described about his life fit the description of a sex addiction. But Dr. Phil kept calling it a "so-called" sex addiction, "what you are calling" a sex addiction, "you claim it's a" sex addiction, etc. No, he didn't outright deny that sex addiction is real, but he kept choosing prejudicial words to make people think it is a sham.

Chikage Windler is sort of cool. I don't know what it is about her, but I like watching her talk about the weather. It's probably just the wonderful name.

Back?

I've been sick of this blog, so I was abandoning it for a few weeks. Now maybe I'm back.

I saw on Kare 11 the other anchors were discussing Sven's tan, comparing their skin to his, as he had just come back from a vaction to some Southern clime. I thought: what does his tan have to do with any sort of vacation? He's that tan ALL THE TIME. If that guy doesn't frequent a tanning booth, I no longer believe in TV.

I've started vexing about what to do when the Republican National Convention comes to the very city I live in. Should I go away? Get a week's worth of groceries and hide in my house for a week? Go join in some anti-war protests? I'm not looking forward to it.

The quest to live cheap and watch a lot of local news goes on. Sorry for the brief hiatus from PV.

Cavemen on TV!

I just read an article that ABC is going to make a 30 minute pilot based on the Geico's cavemen. PV may finally find out what the caveman's mom has to say!
Read more here.

"Lousy Smarch weather"

Names that sound made up: WCCO

Before looking at the news team at WCCO for made-up names, allow me to go on a rant.

As an English teacher, it is painful to listen to people that are PAID to use the English language make grammar mistakes.

Last night on MSNBC, I caught this spoken sentence: "A generation of prostitutes will do anything to keep themselves safe." The subject in this sentence is not the plural "prostitutes," but the singular "generation of prostitutes."* Therefore, it is not trying to keep "themselves" safe, it is trying to keep "itself" safe." There are paid writers and readers for this program, and it was not a live broadcast--there was time to revise and eliminate grammar mistakes. But the people at MSNBC did not do so.

Someday, perhaps, I'll do a bit on WHMFASS in which I watch a local news broadcast and document all the grammar errors I find. Certainly I make grammar errors all the time, including on this blog. However, if you start paying me to write this, and then give me extensive time to revise rather than just whipping out ideas, I bet I'll manage to get rid of them.

Anyway, on to the WCCO names.

WCCO seems to specifically find anchors with "John Houseman" names. On Seinfeld, Jerry refers to Alec Berg as a good John Houseman name. To me, this implies a name that is sturdy, reliable, and strong.

Bill Carlson? That's a John Houseman name, and we believe it's real.

Dennis Douda troubles us. Would parents with the last name "Douda" name their son "Dennis"? Maybe. People like alliteration, and as my son is named Fox Fischer, perhaps I have no position to judge. But I think it's made up.

Paul Douglas and Bill Hudson have good, real John Houseman names. Mark Rosen also seems real.

Frank Vascellero is fun to say. Try it. Vascellaro. Vascellaro. Good times. Good, real name times.

Don Shelby troubles us. We don't think it's real. The WCCO iconic anchor might have a made up name. At least it sounds like it.

Amelia Santaniello is also fun to say. So fun to say that we think it's real. We also think Karen Leigh is a real name.

Jeannette Trompeter? We hope it's real, because that's an odd choice for a made up name.

Terri Gruca is probably real, as is John Reger. Esme Murphy is another one of those fun to say names, and is probably fake.

Mike Fairbourne has to be made up. Has to be. It's a PERFECT name for a weatherman. Paul Huttner nad Chris Shaffer might be real.

Bob Rainey is probably real, but Mike Max? MIKE MAX! Two first names, both single syllable names starting with M. PHONY! PHONY! I'll try find out if this is real or fake. Remember, we have no idea when we go through these--we're guessing.

Now let's just list off the names of reporters we think are fake: Bridgette Bornstein (I never trust alliteration), Heather Brown, Lisa Kiava, and Ben Tracy (what are you, a comic book newspaper reporter?). Jason DeRusha's very candid and funny blog implies to us that his real name is Jason DeRusha.

What do you think?

Syndicated TV

Why do we have a blog devoted to local news, particulary one local weatherman? In part because we're cheap and get by on the $10.33 cable package, meaning we have a limited channel selection with a lot of local TV. So this subject applies.

I have a love-hate relationship with the sitcom. At its best (Seinfeld, Arrested Development) it aspires to the label of "art"; at its worst (too many to mention) it is unspeakably horrible; even at its mediocre (Friends, Everybody Loves Raymond) it is barely--but just--watchable. And when you have a cheap local cable package, you get a chance to really explore the studio space that is the sitcom, because you're watching A LOT of syndication. Sure, we could do something else, but when you're holding a baby, it's a lot easier to just have that TV on with something or other.

My favorite "fat bumbling husband with a hot and responsible wife" show? It's easily Still Standing. It may be just another "fat bumbling husband with a hot and responsible wife" show, but it actually makes me laugh out loud uncontrollable in ways that The King of Queens or According to Jim or any of the other awful ones could never dream of doing. I laughed out loud when fat husband said "Why did I marry for looks and not for money?" and hot wife responded, sneering at him, "Why did I marry for neither." I laughed out loud when fat husband made his kids his slaves, and said "The job will pay ten dollars and hour. And you'll be paying me, so work fast....that's funny. Laugh, slaves, laugh." It's actually a funny show, capable of some inspired jokes, even though it's in a mediocre and predicable format.

There's a lot of other syndicated stuff out there. For reasons I can't explain, TNT is a part of our cheap cable package. Law and Order is on virtually constantly. I often skip the first part and watch the last half hour; the lawyer part interests me in ways the cop part doesn't. One thing that bothers me about Law and Order? While the cops are interviewing people, the people just keep walking around and going about their business while the cops follow them listening. It's like the people are so busy with their lives, and have such contempt for police officers, that when a cop comes and says "Excuse me, we're investigating a murder. Could we ask you a few question?" rather than stopping to say "Murder! That's serious. Sure, of course I'll stop and aswer a few questions," the people are like "Yeah yeah yeah, I'll deal with your stupid questions, but you'll have to follow me around while I work because my tedious job is so jam-packed that I can't possibly stop and concentrate on the questions you're asking me about a murder."

A syndicated show I hate is Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? I don't see the appeal. They barely ask any questions. They stall on all the questions. They don't bring particularly smart people on. And Meredith is Meredith. It's a bad show and I don't understand why anybody watches it. Jeopardy is a hundred times better--of course, they've done a teen tourny recently, which makes that show blow too. Sure, who doesn't like to feel smart because he or she knows the answers to the easy questions they ask during the teen tournament? But it doesn't make you smart.

Frazier operates pretty much the same way every episode: somebody overhears somebody else and usually misunderstands the context of what was said. Hilarious results ensue. Frazier and Niles act pretentious and get themselves into trouble.

When they show movies on the broadcast channels, they turn "goddamn" into "damn" and "asshole" into "ass." I never understand that.

I also don't like when shows get syndicated and really funny parts get cut in order to add one commercial. Like in The Simpsons, when Marge says it's good when shows go off the air before they get stale and repetitive, and Smithers runs in to tell them that Maggie shot Mr. Burns again. How do you cut that?

Thus ends today's random thoughts on syndicated television.

This is news?

I have a complaint that is in no way original. I doubt anyone who reads this who has ever watched local news is going to be enlightened in any way by what I am about to write. And yet, I am writing it.

So often, as I watch local news, I stop myself and ask, "Is this news?" Sometimes, the answer is yes. I'll even say often the answer is yes. But also, often the answer is no. There are three categories I can think of that non-news stories fit into:

1. Advertisments
2. Filler
3. Stuff that doesn't matter to any of us

I notice advertisements the most, but probably because they are so blatant. The best example I can think of is Fox 9 morning news doing their American Idol recaps. They do it the day before the show is on, the day of the show, and the day after, where they let us know what we 'missed.' Now, as a sometimes American Idol fan, I don't mind that they do this, but it certainly isn't news. If it were, stations besides Fox would cover it. But it DOES bother me when stations do bits about their shows masqueraded as news when someone maybe doesn't want somthing spoiled for her. For example, I was flipping channels this week, and I saw what I think and fear was a huge Grey's Anatomy spoiler on the news on whatever channel that show is on (PV says ABC). Now, if you watched Grey's Anatomy this week and there was a big thing that happened and you know all about it, please don't comment about it and spoil it further for me. If you do, I will send you bad anger vibes in an attempt to ruin you. I am watch that show on DVD, and I am about to start season 2. So why does the news need to cover the plot points of a popular drama and pretend its news? Grrr.

Filler is pretty common, as well. I consider any human 'interest' story to be filler. All the "Bart's People" sort of crap. Who cares? Isn't there a war going on? In a 30 minute news show, there shouldn't be time for a 4 minute segment in which M. A. Rosko or someone interviews some jerk who knits sweaters for local sick dogs. Enough said.

Finally, crap nobody is affected by. Is there a reason for around the clock coverage about Anna Nicole's estate? It is interesting, and people are curious, but it isn't news, it's gossip. And that is why we have shows like Entertainment Tonight. Sure, tell us about her death. That's news. But the video footage of her boyfriend and the baby and diaper changes and interviews and blah blah blah blah blah... Not news.

Ok, I feel better now that I vented about this. I am sure I am not alone in feeling this way.

Ratings, Overheard, Retirement (all about local news)

Take your high ideals and shove them right up your ass
Yesterday on KSTP, at 5:10 during the news broadcast a question was asked: how much money does the flu cost the U.S. annually? That's an interesting question, I thought, paying attention. And then: "We'll be back at 5:25 with the answer.

No, KSTP. You are giving us NEWS. When you have a feature with a question to be answered later in the broadcast, you are making explicit your true purpose: RATINGS. You want people to keep watching (maybe because people like me switch a lot). Despite the Ed Asner commercials, you are primarily concerned with ratings. So don't act like you're part of a noble profession. Don't act like you're performing a public service. When you have the "We'll answer this interesting question and all you have to do is keep watching us" feature, you have outed yourself as what you are: A RATINGS WHORE.

(If I sound angry, it's because I am. "Journalists" often tout themselves as some sort of public servants with a high set of ideals and a special code. But TV "journalists" are really no better than schlock like American Idol or any other entertainment show that just wants people to watch for the $).

Overheard in River Falls
Man:....Sven
Woman: I love Sven! He's good looking.
Man: No he's not! He looks like a rat.

Ken Speake is retiring.
When Possible Flurries Told me that Ken Speake is retiring, I looked at her blankly and said, "So?" "This has to be blogged about," she said. "We can't write a blog everytime some chuck at Kare 11 retires," I responded. However, evidently, we do.

Go see the Ken Speake tribute.

Why don't we eat cats?

I have a modest proposal: we should start eating cats. They are cheap, there are too many of them, and there doesn't seem to be a good reason not to hunt and eat them.

If you've ever paid for a cat, you're a sucker. You KNOW there are free cats all over the place. Have you ever had a cat get pregnant? If so, you were likely in an absolute panic to get rid of those kittens. You're just giving them away, searching everywhere for people willing to take them. They're everywhere.

So why do we bother paying for food? The cheapest meat is being given away (in live animal form) all over the place. If you're a family on a budget, just go get some cats. Take the ones being given away, or pick some up from the pound (before they wold be euthanized anyway), or walk around and find some wild cats yourself.

There's no reason to have a special emotional attachment to cats. We eat other animals. I'm not sure cats are morally or emotionally superior to horses, pigs, cows, deer, or any other mammals that in our society we hunt and/or raise for food. What's the difference? If you are willing to eat a porkchop or a hamburger, you may as well eat a cat's leg.

By eating cats, we could limit the cat population, and we could feed the hungry and poor. I say, let's make it legal to hunt cats (outside of city limits, of course; we're not barbarians), and let's treat cats just like any other animals that we would use for food.