Live Blogging KSTP's 5:00 Fair Broadcast

Let's go, let's go! We've already checked out Kare 11 and WCCO at the fair. Now we got to Channel 5.

4:59: Waterlogged fair? Alberto Gonzales? Casino scams? Sounds like a real news day.

But now John and Leah are there getting cheers from the crowd.

And we start with flooding at the fair. Generally, we don't count fair stories as real stories. But flooding at the fair counts. Real news 1.

5:00 Cruelty-Free Mommy says Leah McLean looks like Veronica Corningstone. Other jokes ensue.

5:01: Weather already. Possible severe thunderstorms? Sadly, we count this as real news. Real news 2.

Why do they make Chikage Windler sit in the stands with the crowd to give the weather? And look at that red haired fellow next to her.

5:02: Alberto Gonzales resigns--real news 3. We've been seeing that the networks like to get the real news out of the way in the first five minutes so they can get to fair fluff.

5:04: I always try to avoid listening to George W. Bush talk; it just makes me angry. But for you, gentle reader, I listened, because I'm live-blogging this. You're welcome.

5:05: This is a long story, and they're also giving us the Minnesota connection. I'm tempted to give this story two Real news points. But I won't.

5:05: Update on the collapsed bridge--real news 4.

Helping victims of flooding--real news 5.

Michael Vick pleads guilty--real news 6.

Missing woman--real news 7. Wow. I'm very impressed with KSTP for getting us to 7.

Little league baseball...no, I won't recognize that as real news. Sorry. Rat bastards.

5:07 Obligatory shot of people at the fair clapping, cheering, hollering, waving.

But gosh, KSTP is treating this like a real news broadcast! Other than the transitions (rubes, fair questions, pointless music, a greeting to the troops), they're really giving us real news. For these fair broadcasts, 5 real news stories is the benchmark, and KSTP already has us to 7. If you actually want news, this is the one to watch. And if you want to look at Leah McLean (who, yes, reminds me of Veronica Corningstone), this is the one to watch, too.

COMMERCIAL: No, lady, I'm not like you. I cannot magically split my one self into two tangible, physical selves.

Another pro-war commercial. It's possible, you know, if we don't pull out now, your sacrifice will still be in vain, and more people will sacrifice in vain. And I don't know who "they" is when you say "they" attacked us. It wasn't Iraq. Cruelty-Free Mommy just said "It's like living in an Orwell novel."

This ends our political commentary, thrust upon us by a commercial. C'est la vie.

5:12 Tornado: real news 8

Iraq: real news 9

Gas prices: real news 10 (sort of. I guess. Instead of gas prices, they should share locations for sales on pop. That's relevant too!).

5:13 Fair mascot. "Healthy treats."

5:14: Some guy, just one fellow, has a conflict with a casino. Is this news? I mean, it sounds like he had a hassle--he had a mistaken credit card charge. And Eye Witness news solves the problem for him. No, this isn't news. Crap like this happens all the time. This was a fluff story, and a self-indulgent story.

5:15: Fair food. Pronto pups. Do the local news networks charge the State Fair for these 30 minute commercials?

5:16: A feature on how Pronto pups are made. Seriously, KSTP should charge the fair for product placement. It's all one massive circle jerk.

Pronto Pup v. Corn dog? Go vegetarian! Just kidding. But do it.

5:18 Leah and Chikage are asking some kids (holding toys and food) if they're having fun at the fair. The girl says "Yes." This is news.

Weather....weather...I'm glazing over...lots of rain...OK....weather....I don't really care...does Chikage Windler know Sven Sundgaard? Does she resent him? Probably. Chikage has decent looking maternity clothes. Why did I notice this? I don't know...weather...maps...Did you see that South Carolina contestant talking about a lack of maps in the U.S.? Some people don't have maps, she said... weather...weather...whether...ha, just kidding, weather...weather...now she's going to pass it back to John and Leah.

5:21 The mascot forces people to cheer as we go to commercial. He's holding one kid by the throat. "Cheer, you little bastard! Cheer!" OK, I'm kidding. They don't have to use force: of course the rubes will cheer whenever a dude in a gopher costume tells them to cheer in the general direction of a camera.

COMMERCIAL: Cotton Candy Blizzard at Dairy Queen? I'd shill for that. Does this count? If I go to Dairy Queen and say, "Hey, I shilled for this on my blog. Do I get a free one," they might give me one? I doubt it. For the record, Dairy Queen has not paid me to shill the Cotton Candy Blizzard. I haven't tried it yet.

5:25: The mascots are related.

5:26: MORE WEATHER? We've had THREE weather notices tonight. One early, a quick mention now (as the mascots annoyingly prance about), and the big middle weather. They should just call this show "Weather."

Alright, we're done. But seriously, 10 real news items! That's pretty good. Was it just a big news day? Alberto Gonzales resigns, serious weather--maybe I caught them on a heavy news day. Or maybe KSTP cares more about real news than it cares about fluff.

There was just a commercial on about energy legislation paid for by some sort of petroleum institute. Thanks, guys. I'll certainly consider your advice.

done.

UPDATE: I've just been informed on the TV that Chikage Windler's wardrobe is provided by somebody obviously getting some promotional consideration ("Hot Mamma," I think, but I could have misheard it).