Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Sven's interactions

It's obvious from watching Kare 11 at the fair that a lot of people love Sven Sundgaard. And then some of these people google to learn about Sven, and some of them end up at this lousy blog that is rather rarely about Sven. Sorry, jackasses. We've got mixed feelings. He tells us the weather.

Here's one reason we don't like Sven Sundgaard: his interactions with rubes at the fair are horrible. He usually gets out of them their names and where they are from...and that's it. Nothing else. "What's your name?" "Rube." "Rube, where are you from?" "Rubetown." "That's great." And then Sven might say something about where the rube is from, but he's on to the next rube. "And who are you, where you from?" "I'm Ruby, from Rubeville." "Great, great, good to see you out at the fair."

That's pretty much it. Now, I know he's talking to rubes, and most of them aren't going to have anything useful to contribute anyway (not that they might not be interesting people with intelligent things to say, but they're not going to contribute much in the few seconds Kare 11 sticks a microphone in front of their faces at the fair). The fault is with whatever producers think a good use of news time is having a weatherman go around finding out names and hometowns of random people in the audience. But though Sven has improved at finding folksy things to say, he's generally ready to quickly move on to the next rube once he's got the name and location.

Why do they do this? How can this matter? How can anybody possibly think this is interesting? Even the people who know these rubes stating their names and hometowns aren't interested. All of these people could easily play P.O.W.s in a movie, just reciting their names and dog tag numbers and nothing else. But the news producers are pretty stupid for deciding to have the weatherman go around getting people to state their names and hometowns and nothing else, and Sven is rather bad at it.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Live Blogging KSTP's 5:00 Fair Broadcast

Let's go, let's go! We've already checked out Kare 11 and WCCO at the fair. Now we got to Channel 5.

4:59: Waterlogged fair? Alberto Gonzales? Casino scams? Sounds like a real news day.

But now John and Leah are there getting cheers from the crowd.

And we start with flooding at the fair. Generally, we don't count fair stories as real stories. But flooding at the fair counts. Real news 1.

5:00 Cruelty-Free Mommy says Leah McLean looks like Veronica Corningstone. Other jokes ensue.

5:01: Weather already. Possible severe thunderstorms? Sadly, we count this as real news. Real news 2.

Why do they make Chikage Windler sit in the stands with the crowd to give the weather? And look at that red haired fellow next to her.

5:02: Alberto Gonzales resigns--real news 3. We've been seeing that the networks like to get the real news out of the way in the first five minutes so they can get to fair fluff.

5:04: I always try to avoid listening to George W. Bush talk; it just makes me angry. But for you, gentle reader, I listened, because I'm live-blogging this. You're welcome.

5:05: This is a long story, and they're also giving us the Minnesota connection. I'm tempted to give this story two Real news points. But I won't.

5:05: Update on the collapsed bridge--real news 4.

Helping victims of flooding--real news 5.

Michael Vick pleads guilty--real news 6.

Missing woman--real news 7. Wow. I'm very impressed with KSTP for getting us to 7.

Little league baseball...no, I won't recognize that as real news. Sorry. Rat bastards.

5:07 Obligatory shot of people at the fair clapping, cheering, hollering, waving.

But gosh, KSTP is treating this like a real news broadcast! Other than the transitions (rubes, fair questions, pointless music, a greeting to the troops), they're really giving us real news. For these fair broadcasts, 5 real news stories is the benchmark, and KSTP already has us to 7. If you actually want news, this is the one to watch. And if you want to look at Leah McLean (who, yes, reminds me of Veronica Corningstone), this is the one to watch, too.

COMMERCIAL: No, lady, I'm not like you. I cannot magically split my one self into two tangible, physical selves.

Another pro-war commercial. It's possible, you know, if we don't pull out now, your sacrifice will still be in vain, and more people will sacrifice in vain. And I don't know who "they" is when you say "they" attacked us. It wasn't Iraq. Cruelty-Free Mommy just said "It's like living in an Orwell novel."

This ends our political commentary, thrust upon us by a commercial. C'est la vie.

5:12 Tornado: real news 8

Iraq: real news 9

Gas prices: real news 10 (sort of. I guess. Instead of gas prices, they should share locations for sales on pop. That's relevant too!).

5:13 Fair mascot. "Healthy treats."

5:14: Some guy, just one fellow, has a conflict with a casino. Is this news? I mean, it sounds like he had a hassle--he had a mistaken credit card charge. And Eye Witness news solves the problem for him. No, this isn't news. Crap like this happens all the time. This was a fluff story, and a self-indulgent story.

5:15: Fair food. Pronto pups. Do the local news networks charge the State Fair for these 30 minute commercials?

5:16: A feature on how Pronto pups are made. Seriously, KSTP should charge the fair for product placement. It's all one massive circle jerk.

Pronto Pup v. Corn dog? Go vegetarian! Just kidding. But do it.

5:18 Leah and Chikage are asking some kids (holding toys and food) if they're having fun at the fair. The girl says "Yes." This is news.

Weather....weather...I'm glazing over...lots of rain...OK....weather....I don't really care...does Chikage Windler know Sven Sundgaard? Does she resent him? Probably. Chikage has decent looking maternity clothes. Why did I notice this? I don't know...weather...maps...Did you see that South Carolina contestant talking about a lack of maps in the U.S.? Some people don't have maps, she said... weather...weather...whether...ha, just kidding, weather...weather...now she's going to pass it back to John and Leah.

5:21 The mascot forces people to cheer as we go to commercial. He's holding one kid by the throat. "Cheer, you little bastard! Cheer!" OK, I'm kidding. They don't have to use force: of course the rubes will cheer whenever a dude in a gopher costume tells them to cheer in the general direction of a camera.

COMMERCIAL: Cotton Candy Blizzard at Dairy Queen? I'd shill for that. Does this count? If I go to Dairy Queen and say, "Hey, I shilled for this on my blog. Do I get a free one," they might give me one? I doubt it. For the record, Dairy Queen has not paid me to shill the Cotton Candy Blizzard. I haven't tried it yet.

5:25: The mascots are related.

5:26: MORE WEATHER? We've had THREE weather notices tonight. One early, a quick mention now (as the mascots annoyingly prance about), and the big middle weather. They should just call this show "Weather."

Alright, we're done. But seriously, 10 real news items! That's pretty good. Was it just a big news day? Alberto Gonzales resigns, serious weather--maybe I caught them on a heavy news day. Or maybe KSTP cares more about real news than it cares about fluff.

There was just a commercial on about energy legislation paid for by some sort of petroleum institute. Thanks, guys. I'll certainly consider your advice.

done.

UPDATE: I've just been informed on the TV that Chikage Windler's wardrobe is provided by somebody obviously getting some promotional consideration ("Hot Mamma," I think, but I could have misheard it).

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Liveblogging 6:00's WCCO at the State Fair

5:59 We're looking for real news stories here. The guy at the fair is playing to the crowd about how something is special this year there. And every band loves the city it is playing in.

Story about some sort of criminal running around with a gun: real news 1

6:00 We're going top to bottom today: since nobody is reading right now, it will be easier if you want to read it later.

Terri is in studio. Or is it Teri? I don't even know if her name starts with T.

6:02 Governor proposing a new law: real news 2

Classes starting after flood, FEMA: real news 3

Rail service between Twin Cities and Chicago: real news 4

A bridge re-opening: real news 5

WCCO, you've already tied Kare 11 at 5:00 from yesterday!

6:04 Little leaguers spitting on their hands before shaking hands? No, not real news.

6:04 Senator in Greenland: real news 6

Holy crap: WCCO gave us 6 real news bits.

6:05 But we're five minutes in and now we're at the fair talking about 4H: I think real news is done.

6:05 WCCO doing a story about itself and its human powered newscast is not real news. That's like an MTV special about the history of MTV. It's just self-indulgent tripe.

6:07 Coming after the commercial: weather, fair food, fair garbabe. Yep, we got our fill of real news: now it's fair filler.

COMMERCIAL: It's not on now, but you know that commercial about how they're cracking down on drunk driving, and the guys' cars are full of booze? The guy with beer in his car is unshaven with a hat. The guy with martini in his car has a button up shirt. The guy with wine in his car has a nice car. Makes you think.

COMMERCIAL 2: I need to learn the names of these WCCO anchors if I'm going to live blog. Look at the blog title and guess what we usually watch. But now WCCO gives us 6 pits of news between 5:59 and 6:05; I'm starting to think it's real news. Luckily, they another 22 minutes or so to waste my time with commercials and stupid fair features, so I can remember that local TV news is still pointless.

6:10 We're back. A story about spicy food at the fair. Super hot jerky.

6:11 Fried fruit on a stick. Man, I hate my life. But I'll remember to have grapes with supper. And a big dip from the gallon jug of wine. That's what I need after watching this anchor eat fried fruit on a stick and tell me what it tastes like.

6:12 Some rubes eating corn on the cob.

6:13 Story about trash and recycling at the fair: do we count that as real news? No. Stories about the fair are still pointless. Well, this story does feature a lot on composting and background and interesting facts. Let's give it a half point. 6.5 real news stories.

6:14 WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE AND WHY ARE THEY TALKING TO ME?

6:15 Weather. Dull. Why are we getting all this? I don't count weather as a real news story. If they gave us the weather in 30 seconds, I would. But they stretch it out for pointless filler.

More forecast on a stick. Good.

More weather. It's still going on. And what this chuck is saying really doesn't matter.

6:17 Weather. I'm really not on my A game right now: I've got nothing funny to say about anything. I'm weary of watching TV weather. It CAN be necessary to get the weather report--what's tomorrow like, what sort of forecast do we have for the week. But the amount of info they give us on TV weather really doesn't matter. But people want to see it. So they stretch it out and make it folksy and friendly. A normal, calm weather day just doesn't require much time on TV, but they give it to us anyway.

COMMERCIAL: Yesterday at 5:00 on Kare 11 there was an anti-war ad; today on WCCO there's a ridiculous--RIDICULOUS--pro-war ad. Specious logic and scare tactics. By the way, I'm a pacifist.

Back in studio with sports. I'm a sports fan, so I'd like to count this as real news. A preview of the Viking pre-season game. I really don't like pre-season, but I'll probably try finish off the beer people left here last weekend and watch some of it. Only two more weeks until the real season starts. I love the Vikings.

Baseball...I'm just hearing white noise, now.

Little league? Who cares about these little rat bastards?

Golf? Alright. Corey Brewer! New T-wolf. That's cool.

You tell me, do I count sports stories on the "real news" tally? I think I won't.

Team USA. There are more sports news bits than there have been real news bits.

What's on WCCO tonight, and what's on the news tonight and tomorrow. Not real news.

Back to the fair. "John" is whooping it up. Now he's shatting it up with a girl in a crown. Now he's asking random pointless questions of rubes in the audience. Getting cheers.

IT'S OVER

6.5 real news bits, + the weather, + about 6 sports stories/features. WCCO is actually making it worth our while to be here.

Enjoy your Saturday night, rubes.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Liveblogging 5:00's "Kare at the Fair"

The live blog is over. If you've coming here after it's finished, you can go to the bottom and work your way up. Hope you have fun.

5:30 It's over. 5 bits of real news. And the news stories, interactions, and entertainment from the fair was itself low quality and boring. These producers have to know something: IF YOU INTERVIEW RANDOM RUBES AT THE FAIR, YOU ARE GOING TO GET INARTICULATE, SHORT, AND BORING RESPONSES.

5:29: Spam food at the fair. Mike and Diane trying to entertain people by talking about spam.

COMMERCIAL: We've had five news bits. If I'm being an English teacher, it should be written as "five." But in blog form, to make things clear, I like to write "5." By the way, some Fed Ex guy just opened our door without knocking and left a package. We've got a child that my wife is often breast feeding. Fed Ex guys: DON'T JUST WALK INTO MY DAMN HOUSE!

5:25 Kids are talking at the camera. They are staring into my soul. Who are these people? Why are we being shown these people recording messages into the screen? What are these people talking about?

5:25 Kare Cam. "Chuck." "No." "Yeah."

5:24 We come back to clapping people, walking people, Mike and Diane talking about i-phones. A kid that can hack into the i-phone. Real news. That's 5.

COMMERCIAL: Mike asked if anybody blogs during the very moment I was live-blogging him, but contrary to my expectations, the universe did not collapse in on itself.

For the record, we've had 4 real news bits during the show so far. A lot of rubes smiling and waving. If you get tired of hearing people at the fair referred to as "rubes," you ought to read another blog.

5:21 MIKE IS IN MY HEAD! "How many of you blog?" he asks. ME! ME! Right now, Mike, I'M BLOGGING YOU!

5:20 Pat insists that people smile and wave. Do you like being told to smile and wave? These rubes do.

5:19 "Partly Cloudy and Pleasant," Pat Evans says you're coming tonight!

Listen to Pat say "Goo Goo Dolls" sneeringly.

5:18 When I hear "Weather on a stick," a little piece of my dies inside.

5:17 Man rube gives one word answer. Woman rube gives what appears to be a one word answer--might have been too.

Woman rube has a few words in her answer. Pat Evens instead of Sven. Now Pat takes the Mike away. Now woman rube is talking way too much. Boy rube tells what he ate. Boring. Pat is sort of charming.

5:16 promo for the Goo Goo Dolls. Apparently Mike used to listen to punk. I can't picture it. And now Mike and Diane are sitting in the crowd. Man, I'd hate to go into broadcasting, then be told I have to sit in the stand at the fair and talk to nobodies.

COMMERCIAL: anti-war, anti-Bush, anti-Bachman. I got nothing.

COMMERCIAL: I mean, if some chuck wants to give a prostate exam, just walks up and says, "Let me check out your prostate," I'm probably saying no. I'll go to the doctor.

5:12 Anybody with an i-phone? Mike is standing up to talk to the rubes. Shots of people standing around.

5:12 Starts like rube interaction ("Who has kids?"), but it's about a car seat recall. Real news.

5:10 Oh, when I get older, I'll start getting my ass tested for prostate cancer, believe me. Forgive the mockery.

But if some stranger at the fair and offers you a free prostate exam...well, look around to make sure you're at the right spot.

5:09 Shots of rubes clapping and waving. If I do this another day, I'll count how many times they say the word "fair." Now they're reporting from the health fair. Really, I've already heard the word fair...WHAT! PROSTATE TESTING!?! PROSTATE TESTING AT THE FAIR!?!

COMMERCIAL: I really don't like that "save the greenbacks" commercial. Whales are endangered due to human destruction of the environment: let's sell cars!

5:07: Attendance of the fair, then shots of the fair as we go to commercial. I've already heard more real news than I expected.

5:05 Producer 1: We want to just ham it up at the fair, but we've got to cover this flooding. What do we do?
Producer 2: I've got it! Let's talk about kids at the fair who are escaping from their flooded homes!

5:05 "A chance for weary spirits to soar." America's greatest poets are writing copy for Kare 11's coverage of the fair.

5:04 I think we're done with real news. Mike is talking about the end of summer and the beginning of school, and leads to a feature from the fair.

5:03 FEMA and flooding: real news.

5:02 A murder verdict: real news.

5:02 I'm guessing every regular reporter that's not covering the fair takes some time off; that's why there's somebody I've never seen reporting from a scene.

5:01 A plane crash: real news.

5:00 Mike says, "Oh, by the way," thanks to the viewers at home for joining us. He was too busy making the rubes cheer to mention us.

4:59 BREAKING NEWS: it's a nice day at the fair.

Mike and Diane ham it up for the rubes.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Local News During the State Fair

I truly believe the anchors serving for the local news networks are hard-hitting journalists, giving us the news we need. As it happens, here is the news we need for the next 10 days:

Food you can get at the state fair.

Interviews with fair people.

Interactions with rubes that don't matter and give one word answers.

Lots of smiling and folksy banter.

More stories about the food you can get at the fair.

Behind the scenes features on how the fair works.

More stories about food, usually some sort of item on a stick.

Thank you, journalists. The fourth estate is definitely doing its service to society.

State Fair: when local anchors stop pretending to be journalists

I hope nothing really newsworthy or important ever happens in Minnesota during the State Fair, because during the fair, local news broadcasts are absolutely, utterly, positively, totally, completely, undoubtedly, indisputably, beyond

WORTHLESS.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Cheap food

My experiences as a graduate student and then as a vegan taught me a lot about shopping at the grocery store. If your #1 goal of your regular diet is affordability of food, here are a few menu items you must keep in mind. The goal of cheap food is to get around a pound of food for around a dollar--and if you can occasionally do better than that.

Frozen french fries
The cheap brands are often down to around 5 cents an ounce, and they're not bad baked.

Canned vegetables
Shop around and you can get a can of vegetables for under 50 cents. It's also an incredibly low calorie food.

Bagels
Really filling, and really quite cheap

Spaghetti
Even with the sauce, you can get a very cheap meal

These are your year-round cheap items; occasionally you can get seasonal items cheap too (I bought grapes for 89 cents a pound today). Now, can a human person live on fries, canned veggies, bagels, spaghetti, and occasional grapes? I don't know. Not happily, I suppose.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Commercials That Bug Me

There is a commercial out right now for Toyota that scares me. You may have seen it--it features people going about their lives while keys fall down from the sky like rain. Not a drizzle, either, but a downpour. Why are the people in the ad not screaming, tearing their eyeballs out, and running for cover? That's what I would do.

There was another one a while back; I think it was for credit cards or something. It involved little pairs of scissors scuttling around, jumping up and cutting people's credit cards in half. People were tossing them cards like they were ducks begging for breadcrumbs. Nobody could get over how cute the little scissors were. Let me tell you--if animate scissors were jumping around and begging me for plastic, I would crap myself. Without doubt.

Sometimes, things that are supposed to just get me to buy stuff really freaks me out.

By the way, I am so sick of the stupid Bush's Baked Beans commercials with the stupid dog I could just barf. Don't they get that it isn't funny? Nobody is watching TV, saying, "Hey, there's that stupid dog that was mildly amusing 6 years ago. I think I'll buy some beans." This campaign has gone on long enough. Even Arby's eventually gave up on the oven mitt thing. Bush's could take a lesson from them on dumping a horrible and unfunny mascot.

On the other hand, I am still getting a kick out of the Geiko cavemen. Good job, cavemen.