Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Names that sound made up: WCCO

Before looking at the news team at WCCO for made-up names, allow me to go on a rant.

As an English teacher, it is painful to listen to people that are PAID to use the English language make grammar mistakes.

Last night on MSNBC, I caught this spoken sentence: "A generation of prostitutes will do anything to keep themselves safe." The subject in this sentence is not the plural "prostitutes," but the singular "generation of prostitutes."* Therefore, it is not trying to keep "themselves" safe, it is trying to keep "itself" safe." There are paid writers and readers for this program, and it was not a live broadcast--there was time to revise and eliminate grammar mistakes. But the people at MSNBC did not do so.

Someday, perhaps, I'll do a bit on WHMFASS in which I watch a local news broadcast and document all the grammar errors I find. Certainly I make grammar errors all the time, including on this blog. However, if you start paying me to write this, and then give me extensive time to revise rather than just whipping out ideas, I bet I'll manage to get rid of them.

Anyway, on to the WCCO names.

WCCO seems to specifically find anchors with "John Houseman" names. On Seinfeld, Jerry refers to Alec Berg as a good John Houseman name. To me, this implies a name that is sturdy, reliable, and strong.

Bill Carlson? That's a John Houseman name, and we believe it's real.

Dennis Douda troubles us. Would parents with the last name "Douda" name their son "Dennis"? Maybe. People like alliteration, and as my son is named Fox Fischer, perhaps I have no position to judge. But I think it's made up.

Paul Douglas and Bill Hudson have good, real John Houseman names. Mark Rosen also seems real.

Frank Vascellero is fun to say. Try it. Vascellaro. Vascellaro. Good times. Good, real name times.

Don Shelby troubles us. We don't think it's real. The WCCO iconic anchor might have a made up name. At least it sounds like it.

Amelia Santaniello is also fun to say. So fun to say that we think it's real. We also think Karen Leigh is a real name.

Jeannette Trompeter? We hope it's real, because that's an odd choice for a made up name.

Terri Gruca is probably real, as is John Reger. Esme Murphy is another one of those fun to say names, and is probably fake.

Mike Fairbourne has to be made up. Has to be. It's a PERFECT name for a weatherman. Paul Huttner nad Chris Shaffer might be real.

Bob Rainey is probably real, but Mike Max? MIKE MAX! Two first names, both single syllable names starting with M. PHONY! PHONY! I'll try find out if this is real or fake. Remember, we have no idea when we go through these--we're guessing.

Now let's just list off the names of reporters we think are fake: Bridgette Bornstein (I never trust alliteration), Heather Brown, Lisa Kiava, and Ben Tracy (what are you, a comic book newspaper reporter?). Jason DeRusha's very candid and funny blog implies to us that his real name is Jason DeRusha.

What do you think?

Monday, February 19, 2007

Syndicated TV

Why do we have a blog devoted to local news, particulary one local weatherman? In part because we're cheap and get by on the $10.33 cable package, meaning we have a limited channel selection with a lot of local TV. So this subject applies.

I have a love-hate relationship with the sitcom. At its best (Seinfeld, Arrested Development) it aspires to the label of "art"; at its worst (too many to mention) it is unspeakably horrible; even at its mediocre (Friends, Everybody Loves Raymond) it is barely--but just--watchable. And when you have a cheap local cable package, you get a chance to really explore the studio space that is the sitcom, because you're watching A LOT of syndication. Sure, we could do something else, but when you're holding a baby, it's a lot easier to just have that TV on with something or other.

My favorite "fat bumbling husband with a hot and responsible wife" show? It's easily Still Standing. It may be just another "fat bumbling husband with a hot and responsible wife" show, but it actually makes me laugh out loud uncontrollable in ways that The King of Queens or According to Jim or any of the other awful ones could never dream of doing. I laughed out loud when fat husband said "Why did I marry for looks and not for money?" and hot wife responded, sneering at him, "Why did I marry for neither." I laughed out loud when fat husband made his kids his slaves, and said "The job will pay ten dollars and hour. And you'll be paying me, so work fast....that's funny. Laugh, slaves, laugh." It's actually a funny show, capable of some inspired jokes, even though it's in a mediocre and predicable format.

There's a lot of other syndicated stuff out there. For reasons I can't explain, TNT is a part of our cheap cable package. Law and Order is on virtually constantly. I often skip the first part and watch the last half hour; the lawyer part interests me in ways the cop part doesn't. One thing that bothers me about Law and Order? While the cops are interviewing people, the people just keep walking around and going about their business while the cops follow them listening. It's like the people are so busy with their lives, and have such contempt for police officers, that when a cop comes and says "Excuse me, we're investigating a murder. Could we ask you a few question?" rather than stopping to say "Murder! That's serious. Sure, of course I'll stop and aswer a few questions," the people are like "Yeah yeah yeah, I'll deal with your stupid questions, but you'll have to follow me around while I work because my tedious job is so jam-packed that I can't possibly stop and concentrate on the questions you're asking me about a murder."

A syndicated show I hate is Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? I don't see the appeal. They barely ask any questions. They stall on all the questions. They don't bring particularly smart people on. And Meredith is Meredith. It's a bad show and I don't understand why anybody watches it. Jeopardy is a hundred times better--of course, they've done a teen tourny recently, which makes that show blow too. Sure, who doesn't like to feel smart because he or she knows the answers to the easy questions they ask during the teen tournament? But it doesn't make you smart.

Frazier operates pretty much the same way every episode: somebody overhears somebody else and usually misunderstands the context of what was said. Hilarious results ensue. Frazier and Niles act pretentious and get themselves into trouble.

When they show movies on the broadcast channels, they turn "goddamn" into "damn" and "asshole" into "ass." I never understand that.

I also don't like when shows get syndicated and really funny parts get cut in order to add one commercial. Like in The Simpsons, when Marge says it's good when shows go off the air before they get stale and repetitive, and Smithers runs in to tell them that Maggie shot Mr. Burns again. How do you cut that?

Thus ends today's random thoughts on syndicated television.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

This is news?

I have a complaint that is in no way original. I doubt anyone who reads this who has ever watched local news is going to be enlightened in any way by what I am about to write. And yet, I am writing it.

So often, as I watch local news, I stop myself and ask, "Is this news?" Sometimes, the answer is yes. I'll even say often the answer is yes. But also, often the answer is no. There are three categories I can think of that non-news stories fit into:

1. Advertisments
2. Filler
3. Stuff that doesn't matter to any of us

I notice advertisements the most, but probably because they are so blatant. The best example I can think of is Fox 9 morning news doing their American Idol recaps. They do it the day before the show is on, the day of the show, and the day after, where they let us know what we 'missed.' Now, as a sometimes American Idol fan, I don't mind that they do this, but it certainly isn't news. If it were, stations besides Fox would cover it. But it DOES bother me when stations do bits about their shows masqueraded as news when someone maybe doesn't want somthing spoiled for her. For example, I was flipping channels this week, and I saw what I think and fear was a huge Grey's Anatomy spoiler on the news on whatever channel that show is on (PV says ABC). Now, if you watched Grey's Anatomy this week and there was a big thing that happened and you know all about it, please don't comment about it and spoil it further for me. If you do, I will send you bad anger vibes in an attempt to ruin you. I am watch that show on DVD, and I am about to start season 2. So why does the news need to cover the plot points of a popular drama and pretend its news? Grrr.

Filler is pretty common, as well. I consider any human 'interest' story to be filler. All the "Bart's People" sort of crap. Who cares? Isn't there a war going on? In a 30 minute news show, there shouldn't be time for a 4 minute segment in which M. A. Rosko or someone interviews some jerk who knits sweaters for local sick dogs. Enough said.

Finally, crap nobody is affected by. Is there a reason for around the clock coverage about Anna Nicole's estate? It is interesting, and people are curious, but it isn't news, it's gossip. And that is why we have shows like Entertainment Tonight. Sure, tell us about her death. That's news. But the video footage of her boyfriend and the baby and diaper changes and interviews and blah blah blah blah blah... Not news.

Ok, I feel better now that I vented about this. I am sure I am not alone in feeling this way.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Ratings, Overheard, Retirement (all about local news)

Take your high ideals and shove them right up your ass
Yesterday on KSTP, at 5:10 during the news broadcast a question was asked: how much money does the flu cost the U.S. annually? That's an interesting question, I thought, paying attention. And then: "We'll be back at 5:25 with the answer.

No, KSTP. You are giving us NEWS. When you have a feature with a question to be answered later in the broadcast, you are making explicit your true purpose: RATINGS. You want people to keep watching (maybe because people like me switch a lot). Despite the Ed Asner commercials, you are primarily concerned with ratings. So don't act like you're part of a noble profession. Don't act like you're performing a public service. When you have the "We'll answer this interesting question and all you have to do is keep watching us" feature, you have outed yourself as what you are: A RATINGS WHORE.

(If I sound angry, it's because I am. "Journalists" often tout themselves as some sort of public servants with a high set of ideals and a special code. But TV "journalists" are really no better than schlock like American Idol or any other entertainment show that just wants people to watch for the $).

Overheard in River Falls
Man:....Sven
Woman: I love Sven! He's good looking.
Man: No he's not! He looks like a rat.

Ken Speake is retiring.

When Possible Flurries Told me that Ken Speake is retiring, I looked at her blankly and said, "So?" "This has to be blogged about," she said. "We can't write a blog everytime some chuck at Kare 11 retires," I responded. However, evidently, we do.

Go see the Ken Speake tribute.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Why don't we eat cats?

I have a modest proposal: we should start eating cats. They are cheap, there are too many of them, and there doesn't seem to be a good reason not to hunt and eat them.

If you've ever paid for a cat, you're a sucker. You KNOW there are free cats all over the place. Have you ever had a cat get pregnant? If so, you were likely in an absolute panic to get rid of those kittens. You're just giving them away, searching everywhere for people willing to take them. They're everywhere.

So why do we bother paying for food? The cheapest meat is being given away (in live animal form) all over the place. If you're a family on a budget, just go get some cats. Take the ones being given away, or pick some up from the pound (before they wold be euthanized anyway), or walk around and find some wild cats yourself.

There's no reason to have a special emotional attachment to cats. We eat other animals. I'm not sure cats are morally or emotionally superior to horses, pigs, cows, deer, or any other mammals that in our society we hunt and/or raise for food. What's the difference? If you are willing to eat a porkchop or a hamburger, you may as well eat a cat's leg.

By eating cats, we could limit the cat population, and we could feed the hungry and poor. I say, let's make it legal to hunt cats (outside of city limits, of course; we're not barbarians), and let's treat cats just like any other animals that we would use for food.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

LIVE BLOG: Channel 11

10:31: Well that was fun. Thanks for coming everybody. And if you're reading this later, start at the bottom and work your way to the top. Thus ends the first WHMFASS liveblog.

10:30: So there we are: our first live blog. Nothing great in the news broadcast. We learned in a commercial that coal is wonderful (the woman was even walking around in a green pleasant landscape!), pitbulls can be dressed in costumes and if they are dressed up in costumes the local news will show us footage, and...well, that' what we learned.

10:30: You know in "Anchorman" when they show the squirrel water-skiing, and we're supposed to recognize how inane local TV news is? Well, we just saw pitbulls dressed up in costumes.

10:29: Lottery numbers: that's news.

10:28: Seriously, that cartoon woman was hugging a glowing pleasant piece of coal.

10:26: Oh, coal is GREAT and doesn't do ANY damage to the environment. Let's strip mine America to get all the coal, and then burn it to power everything we use. There couldn't POSSIBLY be any negative repercussions from using lots and lots of coal!

10:23: The Pro Bowl is the most anti-climactic sporting event? I thought it was the Stanley Cup Finals. OK, I'll back off hockey. I'm going to go cry knowing I'm not seeing any new football for months. And now Perk explains NASCAR to Amy Hockert, who couldn't possibly care.

10:22: Hockey goals are like snowflakes: even though they're each unique, they look the same and are boring.

10:21: Some nights Eric Perkins looks like he's at the end of a 72-consecutive-hour bender. He looks decent tonight.

10:20: Partly Cloudy and Pleasant wonders why the reporter is asking people on the street. That's a good question. Why ask rubes on the street? Have these folks heard of "google"?

10:19: I admit it: Sven is getting more and more comfortable in front of the camera. He's come a long way from the kid that said, "I don't know what to do right now" and got bailed out by Pomeranz.

10:16: Weather for about four minutes. Not bad, I guess. This "I've been wondering" bit seems like a direct ripoff of WCCO's "good question" bit.

10:15: "Shwrs." When did licence plate spelling become standardized?

10:14: Purple tie for Sven. Viking fan or Prince fan? I'll let you guess.

10:13: Rick sunbathing. Fun times. Sven has fancy gloves and a scarf tucked uselessly into his coat. Why do I feel like a high schooler is explaining the weather to me?

10:12 Sven starts talking. We'll see how long the weather takes. One of our pet topics is how unnecessarilly long the weather is on the news.

10:11: Horror movie music! Man, that guy is funny. "*beep* you!" "Are you going to hit me!" Chucking snowballs (though I'd have loved to see him chucking snowmobiles). Now THAT is why TV news is necessary.

10:10: Erica says something in the comments funnier than anything I've written yet. Love the stock footage used to justify television news.

10:07: There is NOTHING funnier than a "*beep* you!" said in anger on the telly. Nothing. Plus: our first look at Sven! Is something up with his hair? The *beep* is actually funnier than the word itself.

10:06: Dinosaurs! Will anti-evolution activists protest? Should we begin a satirical protest?

10:04: I just don't like you, Rick Kupchella. It's the same irrational annoyance that makes me dislike coconut. There's nothing inherently wrong with coconut, it's just not for me.

10:04: Rick Kupchella comforts us over the chaos around the world. Amy Hockert looks off into space, then turns her lonely eyes on us.

10:02: Trish Volpe. Real or made up? We'll explore later.

10:01: G.O.B. Bluth? "The Final Countdown" leaves me expecting magic.

10:00: Rick Kuptoola will be the serious anchorman. It's anchorman, not anchorlady. Nice music.

9:58: Snowmobiles honoring the dead, violence against reporters: will the divine Amy Hockert have the gravitas necessary to help the state through this nightmare?

9:56: D'Onfrio manipulates the guy by calling to his daughter and grabbing at the gun. I really thought the main character of a show was in for it this time. Instead, the angry guy with the gun shoots himself. And the lady who used to play Hope in "The Young and the Restless" gives us a stirring performance as the dead man's crying wife. Well, I'm excited for the news.

9:53: Vincent D'Onfrio is talking a guy with a gun out of using it. Do you think the main character of a long-running show is doomed? Or will D'Onfrio talk the angry man into giving up the gun? We'll find out momentarily.

9:47: Here we are, ready for the liveblogging experience. Channel 11 is on as we await the news. If you're following us live, just hit refresh every few minutes. I'll update as frequently as possible (at least every commercial, hopefully much more), and all updates will show up in this post. New entries timed and appearing at the top.

This liveblog signals a renewed devotion to making this blog the best it can be. I used to work very hard on Constanza Book Club until it became clear even my friends and family didn't read it (I still try), and I continue to work hard at Pacifist Viking. But we feel we can really take this blog to the next level, so we'll work harder to bring you the business.

That said, after a day of vegetarian chili, grapefruit, hummus, barbecue chips, and homemade salsa, I'm not exactly on my A-game. But Kare 11 is inspirational, and I expect this to be a fun time.

An unprecedented event at WHMFASS

Tonight, Saturday, February 10th, at approximately 10:00 p.m., Vegan Viking will be liveblogging the Kare 11 News broadcast.

I have never liveblogged before, so this may be choppy. And the opportunity to do so will be rare (read: when internetless Vegan Viking visits his internetted parents), so appreciate it in all its glory.

The first ever WHMFASS live blog. I just got the chills.

(And if some unforseen technological glitch prevents this live blog from occuring, I will write a long, eloquent apology on Monday).

Friday, February 09, 2007

Of Frugality and Inanity

My favorite book...MAGAZINES!
An amazing offer came in the mail at the Vegan Viking household yesterday. Time magazine is sending me a year and a half subscription of Time (around 80 issues of the weekly magazine) and a year subscription to Fortune (25 bi-weekly issues--what I want with Fortune magazine, I don't know, it just sounds like more garbage to me), and a laser level, all for the low low low price of $20. Twenty bucks for 80 issues of Time is good enough--for cheapskates who don't go anywhere, some general interest news magazines for about a quarter a week are just what we need. So Time Magazine gets the WHMFASS Cheapness seal of approval.

"I did it!"
Since becoming vegan, it seems I've lost some weight. I can't say this for sure, since I don't have a scale, but the circumstantial evidence is suggestive. My wedding ring is loose. One afternoon I took a nap and it fell off. Lately I've been sort of whipping my hand to try and get it to fly off without pulling it off. And finally, last night I did it. It shot across the living room and toward the heat vent. "I did it!" I shouted, and Possible Flurries proceeded to yell at me like she hadn't yelled in some time. I was smiling at the accomplishment as I got lectured about how I would lose the wedding ring, how it was a symbol of our love, etc., etc. I won't try whip it off anymore, but it was pretty cool flying across the room. The point of the story is that my wedding ring might be moving to my middle finger soon.

It's still cold
It's still cold.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

We know you can hear him, Sven

More evidence that Sven embodies a certain degree of "uncool" in his on-camera interactions. Part of being "cool" is being comfortable, confident, and smooth in social interactions. And when Sven was interviewing the shark guy, he couldn't just sit and listen to the shark guy. He bobbed his head around like it was a rock on a spring. Up and down, up and down, a constant, conscious "Yes, I'm listening, I'm responsive, I'm an interviewer" in every movement of Sven's bobbing head. We get that you're listening, Sven. The constant nodding to every word of the shark guy actually makes it look like you're not listening, and you're self-consciously aware that you're on camera.

Thus, we continue to have mixed feelings about Mr. Sundgaard.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Something wonderful is happening

I've bought four cans of market pantry cashews "halves and pieces" in the last few weeks. Twice I've found the container mostly full of whole cashews.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Watch the News!

Watching the News can be very entertaining; you never know what those anchors are going to say. Last night on Kare 11's 6 o’clock news, Sven was doing a preview of his big 10 o’clock story about sharks. He went to Hawaii and swam with sharks. Well actually he swam in a cage with only a snorkel, so not very deep. Anyway after he promo the shot went back to the in the studio when Mike Pomeranz and Diana Pierce were anchoring. Mike said he bet a lot of ladies were excited to see Sven in his swim suit on the footage at 10. Diana then followed with “I bet there are a few guys excited to see it as well…” She then added another line but I was laughing all by myself on the couch so I missed the rest.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Comments on TV news

It's fun to watch a local or national news broadcast for the stock footage. You see, most news doesn't actually require a visual image. However, the medium of TV requires at least some visual images during a news broadcast, so the news teams come up with pointless stock footage to relate to the story.

For example, any time you hear a story about obesity in America, you're going to get images of headless fat guys. You know what I mean--the images of overweight people from the neck down, walking or just standing around outdoors. If you watch news regularly, you probably see headless fat people once a week.

Last night there was a story about new transfer rules for the Minnesota high school league. This led to various random high school sports highlights. I'm not picking on any network--contrary to Possible Flurries' wishes, I constantly flip between the four local networks between 10:00 and 10:30, and I saw the random high school sports highlights on at least two networks.

I've also seen a few different images of Scooter Libby walking into a building. And of course, when there's a crime, you're going to see the same recording of the crime scene over and over again.

A few other comments:

I like Mike Pomeranz. There, I said it. He's just a good news anchor.

I wonder what Leah McClean is like as a person. Is she pretentious, snobby ambitious? Or is she nice? And isn't it funny that her last name is spelled like "clean" or "lean"?

Sven fans should watch Kare 11 tonight at 10; he'll be swimming with sharks.

(this is radio, but whatever) On NPR, a weatherperson said "20 is the new 40." He was referring to temperature; according to him, people now walk around in 20 degree weather with sweatshirts or suits and no coats or hats or mittens like they used to do when it was 40. I found this fairly clever but not terribly interesting, but the Beav and Possible Flurries thought it was so funny and insisted I blog about it.

And finally, if you like Harry Potter, or you've read Equus, read this.