Random Drizzle and Hail

Now that I have a toddler, I watch a lot of Sesame Street. I tell you this: Elmo laughs like a psychopath. He'll walk up to a baby, or to a goldfish, and ask it a question. He'll look silently for a few seconds as the baby/goldfish (quite reasonably) just sits there. Then he throws his head back and laughs maniacally. But the writers for Elmo do have a sense of irony, too (like when Elmo said "Goodbye Dorothy...and friends of Dorothy...or like when the Violin said "we're going to watch a goldfish think? This should be exciting"...or like when Elmo--whose best friend is a goldfish--acts with indignant disbelief when a friend shows up saying a rock is her friend).

I had to make an exception to my vegan lifestyle: if you can't eat pizza and chocolate during a snow emergency, why even live in Minnesota?

I'm still astonished by canned green beans. For less than 70 cents, you get a meal that is 70 calories, no fat, 7 grams of fiber, and 3.5 servings of vegetables.

My favorite parts of The New Adventures of Old Christine are when Christine/Barb share an adventure, and when Richard/Matthew share an adventure.

Now that The Twilight Zone gets saved to my DVR, I truly never have to be bored again. And let me tell you something about the hour-long episodes: they are good. Yes, they drag a bit, and don't have the snappy twists. But the longer episode allows them to explore theme deeper. "He's Alive" ends with a haunting image of Hitler's shadow moving, as Rod Serling tells us about prejudice and bigotry. "Valley of the Shadow" really opens up an exploration of pacifism, freedom, and utility.

There are also playful episodes of The Twilight Zone: in one a writer's fictional characters come to life...yet he is a fictional character too, right?...and then when Rod Serling tries to come on and say so, the writer shows that Serling is a fiction and makes him disappear. Good times. Post-modernism, baby!

That Paul Newman makes a mean spaghetti sauce. Sockarooni indeed.

I asked my wife if she thought I was the youngest male in America with Celtic Woman on my iPod. No, she said: some little boys may share an iPod with their moms.

Minnesotans all eventually become existentialists. Shoveling snow is a Sisyphus type task: not only will there me more to shovel eventually, but if you didn't actually shovel, it would eventually go away on its own. Plus we have the Vikings.

Feeling "Culture"

In some ways, being a parent of young children is like being a cheapskate: you are seriously limited in the options of what you can do. But even a parent/cheapskate can find art, poetry, and cultural enjoyment. Here are some ways.

Visit Museums. Art museums can actually be a good place for children. I brought my two-year-old to the Minneapolis Institute of Arts recently. There are big open spaces (lots of room for walking without fear of the child touching something he shouldn’t), and there are colorful pictures and big sculptures everywhere. My son walked around holding my hand going “Whoa.” Whoa.” “Whoa.” He loved it (it's surprising how much modern art is exactly what toddlers like to look at), and I got to look at art. And it is free.

Visit Libraries. A free place to go, and there are sometimes culture events going on. Most public libraries are extremely welcoming to children.

Get Netflix. If you’re raising little kids, you probably aren’t going to go to a lot of movies. Resign yourself to being six months behind and watch the movie when it reaches DVD. Being behind comes with advantages: sometimes after the buzz for a film dies down, you realize you really don’t want to see it.

Subscribe to Magazines. You don’t get to go anywhere, but while your children play on the floor in front of you, you can be flipping through The New Yorker.

Attend Religious Worship. Think about it: most traditional religious services involve performance of ancient rituals, reading of ancient texts, singing of historical hymns. There's poetry there.

Drink coffee. I go to malls once or twice a week. It’s a crass and commercial place to be, but it is a free, weather-controlled place to bring children and walk around getting exercise. And when I go there, I can get a soy latte at Caribou Coffee. And I ask you: what’s more bourgeoisie than a latte? This isn’t actually culture, but it is about the perception of culture: sitting and drinking a latte makes me feel like I'm doing something interesting.

Any other ideas?

Stop Trying to Make Me Care, Network TV

Lately, I have been finding that network television is getting more and more intrusive in its attempts to make me care about shows I don't want to watch. Stop trying to lure me into getting hooked on more shows! I don't have the time.

I have already committed to Gary Unmarried. I tune in faithfully each Wednesday to find out for once and for all, will Gary Unmarried ever learn? So far, no. By the way, Gary Unmarried is NOT a good show. It is unfunny and unoriginal and poorly acted. I should really give it up, but I have a feeling one of these weeks, it will really turn around. So, I stick with it. 

For whatever reason (maybe pregnant hormones?) I find myself getting really irritated about one show in particular that seems to want me to devote myself to it like I have to Gary Unmarried: Private Practice. I guess it has been somewhat successful, because I have seen I think 5 episodes of it, but that is just enough for me to know that I really dislike it. I assume that Private Practice has poor ratings, and since Grey's Anatomy rocks and is popular, they think a crossover is the answer.

I have nothing against a crossover in theory: for one week, we get an extension of a show we like, and as payment we have to watch scenes that will probably bore us because they feature characters and storylines that we are not invested in. It's not a terrible tradeoff, and I am usually willing to take part in it. Well, ABC has gone too far. The ongoing Grey's Anatomy/Private Practice crossover event is leading into its third week.

Yes, I said third week.

What makes me the maddest is that the first week of the "crossover" consisted of a regular episode of each show, where they had cases that were not resolved at the end of the hour and eventually (the next week) would link the two shows together. Well, thanks for the heads up, ABC! I didn't figure out that the "crossover" was phony until minute 52 (thank you, DVR) of Private Practice when Pacifist Viking asked, "Have your Grey's Anatomy people come on yet?" and then laughed at me when I said no. And by the way, all I would have needed in order to be ready for the second week of the crossover would have been one statement from Addison: "Hey Derek! My a-hole brother has a brain problem and might be dying. Can you operate on him?" That would have got me up to speed. 

Anyway, now we are going into week 3 of the crossover, and I still want nothing to do with Private Practice. Only now, instead of just not being invested in the characters, I have grown to resent them. I hope they wrap this thing up this week, because I have enough to do on Thursdays without giving ABC 2 hours of my time. I mean, doesn't NBC deserve some love too?

Send me coupons, not pleasant greetings.

I get on the email lists of any restaurants I like. I'm even a member of the Fuddruckers' Fudd's Club (they have a good veggie burger, you can load on your own toppings, and the open setup prevents a toddler from getting impatient because he can move around a lot).

Fuddruckers kindly sent me an email wishing me a happy Valentine's Day. The message says:

"This Valentine's Day, let your sweetheart know you really care with a romantic meal at Fuddruckers.

"We hope to see you soon!"

Thanks, Fuddruckers, for the greeting and hopes to see me soon. In fact, even though I don't know in what galaxy Fuddruckers constitutes "a romantic meal," my wife and I have discussed eating there on Valentine's Day (because any other restaurant can get difficult with that toddler). But you know what would have guaranteed we eat at Fuddruckers Saturday?

A coupon. A discount. Any sort of special offer. I mean, any at all. A free cookie probably would have got us into the restaurant. The pleasant greeting is not exactly wooing me.

So let this be a message to all the other restaurants that I've signed up to receive emails from: you can woo me away from Fuddruckers with some sort of coupon. Romano's Macaroni Grill, a free appetizer might do the trick. Papa Murphy's sent me some "Big Game" coupons that last through February--that might just be enough to convince me to grab some pizza for Valentine's Day (yes, pizza at home is a special occasion meal for me). Pizza Hut, can you top $3.00 off? Send me an email--I could go for a Stuffed Crust pizza for my Valentine's Day exception.

C'mon restaurants. Help me help you. Don't just send me pleasant greetings. Papa Murphy's is leading the race right now, but with a little effort and a little discount, you could be wooing a cheapskate to spend money at your restaurant for Valentine's Day.

Local Cat Lady

118 cats removed from filthy St. Anthony trailer packed with dolls and debris

Wow, a real cat lady.  That's probably not what she wants to be called.  The Star Tribune refers to this woman as an obsessive compulsive animal hoarder.  There's a lot of hang-ups that can come with OCD, but this might just be the worst kind.  118 cats.

Why do you mock me, commercials?

Perhaps you've seen this commercial where the Diet Dr. Pepper starts moving to the snack aisle of the grocery store?  When I first saw this commercial, I got giddy with anticipation.  Will there be a chocolate flavored Diet Dr. Pepper?  Yes, I would drink that.  Is there going to be a Diet Dr. Pepper candy?  Yes, I would eat that.

Alas, the commercial was merely an attempt to associate Diet Dr. Pepper with sweet desserts.  Blah.  I know Diet Dr. Pepper is sweet.  I know Diet Dr. Pepper is good.  Why would they make me believe some new, magical product would be entering my life?

And then there are the Denny's commercials, which highlight delicious-looking, tempting, desirable pancake meals, followed by the smackdown truth that these products are made up--Denny's is just offering you a "serious" pancake meal.   I just saw one featuring pancakes smothered in pink frosting and candies, then was told I shouldn't desire this wonderful thing--I'm supposed to want a serious pancake meal.  Well I don't want a serious pancake meal!  I'm not sure I want a pancake meal at all, but that frosting-smothered pancake sort of made me want pancakes.  But not a serious Denny's pancake.

Well, I don't know if I want Nanerpus:

I love sitcoms

Read about The Big Bang Theory at Slate.  

CBS is currently lording over a Golden Age of Sitcoms, including The New Adventures of Old Christine (Wanda Sykes needed a vehicle like this) and How I Met Your Mother (cleverly structured, sharp dialogue, occasionally absurdly funny).  CBS comedies are sticking with the laugh track/studio audience, and for some reason it is still working.

Half Price Books

Not only is Half Price Books a great place to get good books for...um...half price, but teachers and librarians can get another 10% off.