Yahoo's Relationship Tips are Worthless

Sometimes when I'm logging out of my email or my fantasy baseball page, I end up on Yahoo!'s homepage and see their articles. Tonight I see an article promising "15 Ways to Keep Your Partner Happy." I see this and say, "Hmm, if my marriage needed saving, this is just the sort of thing that could save my marriage. I should read this."

The article is written to a general reader whose partner is a "she," so the readers are presumably heterosexual men and homosexual women. In general, there is not a single tip here that I haven't seen elsewhere. Hell, there's not a single tip here that's not a stereotype of the things to do: this is like a list that should be given to a sitcom husband. Let's look at some of the particularly worthless tips.

"2. Make her dinner one night. Don't ask her if she wants you to make dinner. Make her dinner before she gets home."

Because it is traditionally the woman who makes dinner, so if the man makes dinner, that makes it something special! Men, make dinner, and you've gone above and beyond! That's one of the little things that can satisfy your partner. Of course, if you are in a relationship in which you each, you know, cook meals, and you don't just assume that, you know, everything in the kitchen is the woman's realm, this tip means little. But if the woman in a relationship makes dinner every other night of the week, the man in the relationship deserves major kudos for making dinner one night of the week. Good job.

"4. Send her a text in the middle of the day telling her'I miss your smile from this morning' or 'Last night was amazing!' or 'The conversation we had last night was great.'"

That's an idea: interrupt your partner with a completely effortless, meaningless, emotionless form of communication, the text message.

" 5. Send an eCard in the middle of the day... something cute to remind her how much you really care about her."

Tell me how #5 is fundamentally different than #4. Is #6 "send an email"? Is #7 "call and leave a message"? Are there any other forms of technological communication we're leaving out? Was it that hard to get to 15?

"6. If she's going on a business trip, offer to drive her to the airport or pick her up to make her life that much easier."

Well this is pretty specific. It's also a tip predicated on the possibility that your partner goes on business trips.

"7. Let her have control of the remote control. Don't monopolize it for a change. Just give it to her and let her actually sit there and enjoying watching one of her shows. Then you can share one of her interests by watching it with her."

Is this a standup comedy bit? Are we really relying on such stereotypes here? As Jerry Seinfeld says of the remote control, men hunt and women nest. Therefore, let your partner have the remote. Also, put the toilet seat down. Oh, and if my partner chooses to watch something like "Friends," then unfortunately there is no way I can enjoy watching one of her shows. Maybe on an ironic level, but then I'll start making fun of it while watching, and she'll get annoyed. I'm already trying hard to pretend I'm not bored during "Wheel of Fortune."

"8. Offer to iron one of her shirts or take her clothes to the dry cleaner."

Let me tell you what we've never done in my household: iron a shirt. Let me tell you where neither of us have ever been: the dry cleaner. I've only seen dry cleaners on sitcoms.

"11. Take a shower together, then wash her hair, scrub her back, and give her a spa treatment. Do this and enjoy it!"

I'm going to leave this without comment. I could comment on the "advice" that men should enjoy a shower with a naked woman. I could comment that there may be a lot of men who wish their partners wanted them in the shower with them. But I won't make those comments. I won't.

"14. Decide on and set aside one night a week as date night. Have a date like when you first started dating."

Hmm. Never heard that one before. Are they just coming up with this stuff?

"15. Call her in the middle of the day and just say hello. Don't wait for her to call you."

Oh, we got there! Of the 15 relationship tips, three involved using technology to communicate with your partner during the day. Let's also point out that #1 (give a footrub without asking if she'd like a footrub) and #14 (reciprocate messages without being asked [and we'll further add, "What if there's no massage to reciprocate?"]) are also pretty much the same thing. And #9 involved cleaning the bathroom without being asked (basically, to keep your partner satisfied, do things without asking if you should. And evidently, that includes just going ahead and climbing in the shower with your partner).

Thanks for the non-help, David Wygant. I'll admit, I don't ever really expect Yahoo! to help me with much of anything--I only come across these brilliant bits of advice by accident, as I said, when I log out of better things. Sometimes Yahoo!'s stuff is interesting: today I also accidentally learned about superfoods. I mean, I guess I already knew about this too, and I'm already eating most of those things all the time (I'm mostly vegan). But usually it is stupid advice or celebrity gossip (I think the only time I learn about celebrity gossip is when I log out of things and Yahoo! provides me with stories. Really. Just recently a couple of people told me that Tony Romo had broken up with Jessica Simpson and it was big news. I never heard it at all. The only reason I knew about Romo and Simpson at all was because I happen to watch a lot of football. But really I both purposely and inadvertently avoid all celebrity gossip. Man, my use of parentheses is just totally out of control. I'm really rambling here. Basically, this advice sucked).

Everbody looks familiar!

I think as you get older, and you've seen more and more people in your life, you have more and more instances when it seems you've seen someone somewhere else. If I flip the channels on TV, every actor seems familiar. When I walk around a mall, I keep thinking I'm recognizing people. I suspect as I get older and I've seen even more people it will continue to seem that I've seen everybody somewhere else.

Subway: DTM?

You've probably seen the well-publicized change at Subway: several footlong subs are now dropped to $5.00. Did you know, however, that several Subway restaurants are increasing the price of the Veggie Delite footlong sub to $5.00? I've now seen and heard about this increase in price of veggie subs at a few different Subways, but as of this week I know it hasn't spread to every Subway.

So while Subway is decreasing the price of many subs, they are increasing the price of the veggie subs. This also means that they expect vegetarians to pay the same amount for their meatless subs as several meat eaters pay for their meat subs (in other words, vegetarians have to pay the same amount for less food).

It never bothered me terribly that veggie subs cost the same amount as the meatball subs. Whatever. But if Subway is now increasing the price of the Veggie Delite subs so that they cost the same amount as seven different meat subs, then I will no longer eat at Subway. Ever. As long as the Veggie Delite footlong sub costs as much as seven different meat subs, I will never eat there again.

I'm still debating whether I should still occasionally get subs at those restaurants that keep the price of the Veggie Delite under $5.00. But I'm very close to giving Subway the DTM stamp of removal. As Subway basically says "f--- y--, vegetarians, you can pay the same price as meat eaters for less food," I'm nearly ready to make the statement:

Subway: dead to me.

I dream about new battery technology

You know that commercial for batteries that starts something like "So you think there's nothing new in battery technology..."? You probably don't, because it's boring. It's also sort of weird, isn't it? If I thought there was nothing new in battery technology, eh? Do people think this? Are people under the mistaken impression that technology surrounding the battery has reached its peak and cannot possibly go further? George Costanza said toilet paper couldn't improve anymore; does everybody else think that you can't improve the battery? Probably not. Furthermore, who is spending any time thinking about battery technology? I've never thought about battery technology outside of school. It's never crossed my mind that it can't improve, but it's also never crossed my mind how it might improve. I don't really think about it. I don't think about it at all. But that battery company is selling batteries to people who used to think there was no new battery technology, but are now made aware that some sort of new battery technology has made a particular brand's batteries super awesome.

My favorite fictional weatherman

Dave Spritz, from The Weather Man. Just read some of his quotes. You should see this movie.

Cheapness Quandary

Two years ago I was placed in a shared office space. In this office space was a coat rack, and on it was a decent suit coat. As far as I could tell, however, I only shared the office with women, and nobody ever moved the suit coat. At the end of that semester, my office got moved, and somebody moved whatever stuff was remaining in it. Included in the move was the coat rack with the suit coat. I've now been in the same office for a year and a half, and the coat rack and suit coat have been here the entire time. Based on the job, the shared office, the position, there is a lot of turnover: I'm guessing the original owner of the coat is gone and will never bee back to claim the coat.

Now I have to clean out my entire office. I'll be coming back to it in the fall, but there's some sort of building improvement that is requiring us to clean out the office. I'm removing all my stuff, but I was going to leave the suit coat with a note that it was never mine.

But...for laughs, I tried the coat on. I can't remember why, but I always thought it was too small for me. Well, I have lost a lot of weight, and as it happens, the coat fits.

Now, I really love suit coats. I buy really cheap suit coats at Kohl's whenever they go on clearance. I really sort of like this coat, and while I wouldn't wear it back to work (the very building at which I found the coat!), I could still wear it. If I don't take it, I don't know where it will end up. It might go into some terminal lost and found bin. It might be thrown away. Somebody else could claim it.

So, should I wear another man's coat? What would you do? Would you take the jacket? Though frugality dictates that I ought not let something go to waste, it would feel a bit like stealing. Actually, I could take the coat and give it to Good Will or some charity that collects clothes: that way I don't benefit from taking another person's coat, but the coat doesn't go to waste either. Actually, I sort of like that last option.

I'll need an answer by Friday. Please, share any thoughts you have.

UPDATE--The resolution: I was told by somebody in the office that if I didn't take the jacket, they were going to throw it away.

Sometimes, I'm not cheap.

Look, Good Earth has a vegan friendly oatmeal date bar. It costs $2.95. That's a bit steep for a bar. But man, oh man. Man, oh man. I mean, man, oh man. If you're living a mostly vegan lifestyle, and you munch into that oatmeal date bar, man, oh man.

They've taken the fun out of my snark

It's fun to make fun of commercials. It's fun to make fun of movies. And it's really fun to make fun of movie commercials. It's always fun to see a movie that looks a lot like another movie and say something like "I liked that better the first time when it was X" and then look around to your friends expecting them to smirk approvingly.

But when one movie is just so obviously like another movie, you don't even get that fun. You can't even fancy yourself witty or clever for pointing it out. It's just too obvious, and you feel stupid for even saying so. And you start to wonder, "If I make this joke, am I just going to find out it's an intentional remake and everybody will think I'm stupid?" So you sit there, not saying anything until you finally decide to blog about it.

Groceries Groceries Groceries

In trying to live both frugally and healthily, my entire being feels consumed by groceries. If you eat a lot of produce, it means going to get groceries a few times a week. No matter what you do, you will be uttering phrases like "We're out of lettuce again" and "Didn't I just buy strawberries?" and "I thought there were pears in here" and "I just finished off the broccoli." You can't just plan ahead and buy in bulk--produce only lasts so long (I'm pushing it with a two pound bag of romaine lettuce right now).

But running out of produce is one half of a duel problem. The other issue is the constant battle to beat the due dates; as a frugal person, it pains me to throw out food just because it went bad before I ate it (sure, I feed it to squirrels in the back yard, so it's not wasted, exactly). So you're always monitoring the food to make sure it's not going to be overdue soon.

Eating produce makes one constantly aware of groceries. Groceries. Nothing but groceries. I'm not sure an hour goes by when I'm not conscious of groceries.