My costume

At a Halloweenish party on Friday, I want to go as Rocky from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He's the fellow in the gold underwear here, here, here, here, and here. Cruelty-Free Mommy suggests that I don't do such a thing. So I won't. But now what should I go as?

Don't buy Halloween candy early.

You'll just have to go back and buy more candy. Plus you'll get fat.

For when you buy candy for trick or treaters, who can resist the siren song of Halloween candy sitting around the house waiting for Halloween?

After spending life taking candy from everywhere, once you reach adulthood you have the chance to give candy back to society. But all that candy sitting around still demands to be eaten.

"Fruit's a gamble" --Jerry Seinfeld

A couple weeks ago I had a magnificent cantaloupe: juicy, flavorful, sweet. Today I had a mediocre cantaloupe: dry and bland.

It doesn't seem fair. Eating fruit is a healthy way to live. Perhaps the healthy way to live. But when you cut into a melon, it might be delicious, and it might be uninspiring. But you still spent the money on it.

_uck _ou Perkins

Perkins bread bowl salads were awesome. You get a giant salad, and when you're done, you get a whole bunch of bread. As the price of a bread bowl salad steadily climbed, I still loved them. I welcomed the switch to the new bread bowl--it was really good.

When I became a vegetarian, it became increasingly obvious that any salad I would order at a restaurant I could just as easily make at home for much cheaper. Still, I was lured to the Perkins bread bowl salad. It was a giant filling salad with an excellent bread bowl, and for a vegetarian, it was one of the best restaurant meals you can get.

But today I went to Perkins to find a new menu. The new menu revealed that Perkins had the same salad options, but they were no longer bread bowls. Now Perkins just had salads.

Who do you think you are, Perkins? Do you really think you're the sort of restaurant that can have a $9 salad? Because you're not. Without the bread bowl, I don't need you, and I'm not going to pay for your overpriced salad. Sometimes the waiter will lower the price when I get a salad without the meat, but sometimes not. But do you really think I'm going to come to your restaurant to pay anywhere near $9 for a salad of vegetables and cheese, when I could create such a salad in my home for, what, under $3?

Nope, Perkins, I'm done. I'm not coming back until you bring back the bread bowl salad. You've slowly raised the price to the point your restaurant is no longer even a good deal, and now you've just wiped out a massively good option for vegetarians. And I'm not going to be checking around to see if you bring the bread bowl back. No, you go ahead and tell me. I don't care. Baker's Square has a better apple pie anyway.

_uck _ou, Perkins. You suck.

It's Not Easy Being Sven

I recently talked to my friend, Chris, who told me about his experience running in the marathon a couple weeks ago. Half joking, I asked him if he saw Sven. He did.

Chris told me he knew he was coming up behind Sven when he began to hear incessant comments from bystanders along the lines of "Hey Sven! Did you order this weather?" and "Nice weather, huh Sven?" and "Sven! How about this weather?" Chris explained that he finally passed Sven, but for a brief time, he knew exactly how difficult it must be to be Sven Sundgaard.

So Sven, this post is dedicated to you. Like Nick Cage in Weatherman, you deal with all of us rubes on a daily basis. We act as though we know you, as though you are personally responsible for the weather around you, and as though the only thing you might want to engage in a conversation about is how warm or cold it is. I suggest investing in a crossbow.

Really, Kohl's?

One way I live a frugal life is by rarely purchasing clothes. Sure, clothing is a human need, but new clothing is usually just a human want; you really don't have to buy new clothes that often. I accept hand-me-downs from family, I build up new wardrobes based on Christmas gifts, and most importantly, I make the clothes I have last. Mostly, clothing is an unnecessary expense, and I judge all of you people for buying new clothes all the time.

One of my weaknesses is the Kohl's clearance rack, with nice clothes up to 90% off. I recently bought a $200 suit jacket marked down to $20--even a frugal tightwad like me couldn't resist that.

On that trip to Kohl's that resulted in the legendary $20 suit jacket (you should see me in this thing; if I saw myself in this jacket, I'd throw my panties at myself), I heard this message over the speaker:

"If you like shopping at Kohl's, you'll love working here."

There's no logic whatsoever to that statement. Just because I like shopping at Kohl's does not mean in any way that I would love to work there. I suspect it would mostly be really, really boring. There's no connection between liking shopping at a very cheap story and loving working there. I'm fairly certain I would hate working at Kohl's. I mean, why is it inherent that I'd love working at a place I like to shop? I like watching pro football, but I'm pretty sure if I were on the field playing I'd end up in a hospital after one or two plays. I like Subway, but the two months I spent working at Subway still provide me with horrifying stories (the people who worked the shift before me often ran out of bread. That's right, I worked at a Subway that ran out of bread. So I would sit there while the bread was baking, and though it was no fault of my own, had to tell people I couldn't make them a sandwich because there was no bread. And then I was usually there until after 2:00 in the morning washing dishes. Believe it or not, there are a lot of dishes to wash if you work at Subway. As a closer, that usually fell to me, and mostly, none of the daytime workers ever bothered to wash any dishes. So that was my life for a few months: washing an entire day's worth of Subway dishes until the wee hours of the morning and telling angry customers we were out of bread. And seriously, I've got a major problem with parentheses. This is just ridiculous).

Anyway, cheap clothes at Kohl's = good. Message telling me I'd love to work at Kohl's = completely ridiculous.

"When you see news happen"

KSTP has this brief promo where an announcer says something to the effect of "When you see news happen, call the KSTP tip line at ###-#####."

As I see it, there are two ways to approach this request:

1. It's your interpretation of whether what you are seeing happen is news; it's up to you to decide if you are seeing news happen. So let KSTP know. "Hello, I'm seeing news happen. My cat is taking a nap on a pair of slacks I left sitting out on top of the laundry basket. Now they're going to be all hairy." Or "Hi, I'm seeing news happen. a car just drove by in front of my house." I mean, who's to say this isn't news? It's news to me.

or better yet:

2. You're watching the KSTP news on TV; technically, aren't you watching the news happen?
"Hi, I'm seeing news happen."
"Yes, sir, what exactly do you have to report?"
"I'm watching your program right now. I'm watching the news happen."
"OK, sir, and do you have any news?"
"No, you have the news. I'm just watching it happen. I thought I should let you know, since you told me to call this number when I see news happen."
"Thanks for watching sir." Click.

KSTP has a contact page which includes the following:

"To submit a story idea to one of the 5 EYEWITNESS NEWS Programs, please write a brief detailed description that includes the following: date, time, location, contact name, phone number, and address."

Can you imagine the story ideas they've received? Wouldn't it be a fun job to have access to the emails they get, and you're supposed to peruse the story ideas for worthwhile stories? I'm guessing one out of five hundred submissions is a worthwhile story idea. I can only imagine the wacko stuff they must get. That's got to be fun. They get story ideas from people seeing news happen.

WHMFASS making the world a better place: peaceful driving

When driving, it's very easy to blow up in anger at other drivers. There's a personal disconnect, allowing you to express angry words and gestures that you wouldn't could you look the driver in the face, or could the person respond (it's easier to yell at somebody who can't really hear you).

But what good does getting angry when you're driving serve? Nothing. You can yell and rant and know deep in your heart why that other driver's (probably innocent) mistake was an outrage and affront to all you hold holy. You can express anger and take negative energy with you over an event that probably affected you for a few seconds.

Or you can let it go.

When I drive, if another driver annoys me somehow, I may instinctively flare up, but I suppress it and force calm on myself. Sometimes I say "Peace" out loud. Sometimes I give a peace sign to the other driver. But I try not to swear and yell. Sometimes I still do, but I work really hard at restraining myself. No good comes from expressing indignant anger at somebody for making what was likely an inadvertent mistake.

Today I misjudged something and required a truck to slow down for a few seconds. It probably set the driver back in his day four seconds, and in his mind, I may have required him to slow down quickly in a way that was unsafe and risked accident. I don't know, but it was an honest mistake, and no damage was done.

The driver proceeded to gesticulate angrily, making angry hand gestures and shouting something (I obviously couldn't hear him). He spent more time yelling and raving than he spent being slowed down by my misjudgment. While he was looking back and gesturing and yelling something, he wasn't focused on the road and potentially created another unsafe situation.

What good did it do? As it happened, I noticed, but many drivers wouldn't. I already knew I had made a mistake (though it was minor, and was honest). The situation had passed. But here was an angry driver, yelling and ranting and gesticulating. For nothing.

So don't get angry when you drive. People will make mistakes. Many drivers immediately recognize the mistakes they made (I've made and seen many apologetic gestures). Most of the time, these mistakes don't risk an accident and are merely small, minor annoyances. There's no reason to allow anger to fill your heart. Calm yourself. Be peaceful. Smile. Recognize how insignificant the situation really was. Yep, sometimes a person's mistake can cause or come near to an accident. Those situations can lead to righteous indignation--you can be upset or frustrated. But there's no reason to let the negative energy of anger overtake you. Spread peace and tranquility.

Dear Dictionary,

The word edge has a D in it. So should legend. Or, ledgend, if you will.

They run marathons, don't they?

On a humid day when existing made me cranky, some people were out running a marathon in the Twin Cities. One of those people was Sven Sundgaard. You can read about it (and see shirtless pictures, if you're so inclined. No, the pictures aren't shirtless, Sven in the pictures is. Well, I suppose the pictures are also shirtless, but pictures never wear shirts. I shouldn't say never: I suppose at some point in history a picture wore a shirt) on his blog here and here.

New TV Review

Let's quickly summarize our experience with the new TV shows we were excited to watch this year.

Journeyman
Good show. People say it's just like Quantum Leap as if that's a bad thing.

Dirty Sexy Money
Good show. It's dirty, it's sexy, and there's money.

Cavemen
Good show. It's funny in an internally pleasurable way, not a laugh out loud way.

Back to You
Bad show. It's boring, it's unoriginal, and it's unfunny.

What new shows have you either taken pleasure in or taken boredom in?