Holy Land: the best hummus and pita bread

Holy Land makes the best hummus and the best pita bread I've ever tasted. I already loved the hummus, and today I bought some pita bread to smear the hummus on, and I thought I had found vegan heaven. I've just bought their food at Cub Foods, but I'll have to check out their restaurant and store in Minneapolis.

My heart-felt recommendation for Minnesota company and its delicious food.

Happy Festivus!

It's a Festivus for the rest of us!

McDonald's in Wadena, MN

Why have a blog if you can't publicly complain about bad trips to stores and restaurants? Here's the email I sent to McDonald's.

On Sunday, December 21st, I stopped by the McDonald’s in Wadena, MN a little before 7:00 p.m. It was about 10 minutes before we were able to order, and then after ordering, it was 10-20 minutes before we got our food. But a long wait was only part of the problem.

While standing waiting for our food, another customer came to order, and explicitly said he had a large order. Yet he got all of his food and was out the door long before I got my food. I didn’t have a complicated order (two fries, a shake, an iced latte), so I didn’t really understand why a customer who came in long after I did got his food long before I did.

I did finally get my food, and I asked somebody an employee why a customer that came in after me got his food after I did. I did not get any real attention or concern, and certainly not an apology. The employee (who may have been a manager, I’m not sure) quickly gave a meaningless explanation then walked away.

Furthermore, my brother made an order that the employees in McDonald’s forgot. So he was standing there (with a very simply order: burger, fries, drink) waiting for an order that nobody was bothering to make. Many other customers were getting their orders while his order was forgotten about. And when he finally asked, he was told they lost/forgot his receipt, then quickly put together his order. They also did not apologize to him for the wait. In fact, at no point during this trip did any employee show any concern for us.

This was a day that we spend six hours in a car visiting people for Christmas. While I stood in McDonald’s for about a half an hour, my pregnant wife sat in the car and my two year old son cried. We thought we could stop and get a quick bite; we didn’t expect to add a half hour to our trip.

I will certainly never stop at the McDonald’s in Wadena again: the service was excessively slow and the employees were excessively indifferent. But in the future, if I want to stop and get something to eat, I’ll probably choose any other fast food restaurant over McDonald’s (which is probably best: my family is vegetarian, and while some other fast food restaurants offer sandwiches for vegetarians, McDonald’s does not). A long wait and poor treatment just isn’t worth it.

UPDATE: McDonalds' took effort to contact me and offer to rectify the situation. Thanks for the response.

"You can't handle the truth!"

In England, a teacher tells young children Santa Claus doesn't exist.  Hilarity ensues (The Guardian).

Children are supposed to slowly come to realize that they've been lied to by people they trust about something they care deeply about, that the magic they hope for doesn't exist.  Perhaps they're supposed to learn it from each other.  You're not supposed to just tell them!

Stupid Dialogue

PV: See!  House gets away with being scraggly and unshaven all the time!

PV's Wife:  You do too.

PV:  Oh yeah.

How The Office lost its way

Jim used to be the loser everyman that never got what he wanted.  So when he mocked everything around him, when he couldn't take anything or anybody seriously, when he acted like he was better than everything, it was endearing.  He was well suited to explore with us this silly, absurd world filled with its bizarre characters.

But now that Jim is with Pam and he's happy, it's not so fun to watch him act like he's better than everybody else.  Now, it's just smug.  Perhaps, too, we've learned more about the other characters in the office, and now that they're interesting and funny, it's not as fun to see somebody act like they are all beneath him.  But mostly, it's no longer a loser smugly and indifferently mocking everything around him.  Now it's a happy, contented person that just arrogantly acts like everybody around him is idiotic and small.  That's usually the character we dislike.

Or maybe it's just not as funny anymore.

Cheap Pop!

Target is running my favorite sale: five Pepsi products (12-packs of cans or 6-packs of bottles) for $15, then you get a $5 Target gift card.

Walmart (3)

I'm obsessive-compulsive: things tend to linger in my mind. I also generally avoid conflict (though if you've been reading this narrative, you likely find that hard to believe!), so when a conflict occurs, I spend a lot of time mulling over my actions. And so after much mulling, I decided to email Walmart again with more detail (see post one and two on the subject). Below is the second message I sent:

Hello: I know I already emailed once to complain about a situation. I felt I should email again to provide more detail.

As I was leaving the Sauk Centre Walmart on Friday, November 28, I heard an employee say "Wait, I need to see your bag."

I want to be very clear about this. I did not see or hear any security alarm going off. And the employee did not simply ask to see my bag. She ordered me to stop, claiming she needed to see my bag. I felt she had no authority to give me such an order, and so I had no obligation to follow her order. I told her I did not want her to look at my bag, and that she had no right to look at my bag. I then continued to walk outside.

At this point she yelled, followed me into the parking lot, alerted another employee to follow me (and I believe that employee attempted to write down my license plate number). After being treated with such suspicion, I felt I should turn my car around and explain further.

Bag/receipt checks are voluntary: once I have purchased items, they are now my property, and if I don't want to let another person look at them, I don't have to. And if the employee had 1) been trained to know that bag/receipt checks are voluntary, or 2) had asked to see my bag rather than simply ordering me to stop so she could see my bag, perhaps I wouldn't have been yelled and and followed into the parking lot treated with suspicion.

I am not looking for any employee to be punished. But after being treated with such suspicion, I felt compelled to contact you to give you my feeling on the situation. I did nothing wrong, but I don't feel I was treated very well.

Wal-mart (2)

Read about the situation here.  Below is a copy of the self-righteous, indignant email I sent to Wal-mart (the email form includes my name, address, and phone number):

I hope in the future you will inform your employees that bag searches or receipt checks are voluntary: customers may consent to them, but we may also refuse. It is, in fact, a Constitutional right:

"The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized."

Today, after paying for my purchases, a Walmart employee asked to look at my bags. After I informed her I did not want her to look in my bags, she protested, and I said she did not have a right to look, and I continued to walk to my car. Because she followed me into the parking lot and alerted another employee to follow me (presumably to write down my license plate number), I decided to turn around and explain that I left because Walmart employees do not have a right to examine my bags or receipt without my consent.

Still, I was bothered: I felt like I was accosted and accused, when in fact I had done nothing wrong. I only declined a bag/receipt check because I have a Constitutional right protecting me from "unreasonable searches and seizures" (and yes, looking in bags or receipts is an unreasonable search and seizure, as the 4th amendment to the Constitution includes "papers, and effects."

I fear that Walmart is not concerned with its customers' Constitutional rights, as I was yelled at and chased into the parking lot for no good reason.

The Wal-mart in Sauk Centre, MN

From The Consumerist:

"According to consumer reporter Asa Aarons, unless you've signed a membership agreement contractually obligating you, bag searches and receipt checks are voluntary. As in, you can refuse.

"If the retailer has a reasonable suspicion you're shoplifting, however, they can detain you at will."

Wal-mart has had issues with this in the past, as you can read about here, and here, and here. My story isn't quite so bad.

This morning at the Sauk Centre Wal-mart, I went with my brother to buy some items.  I purchased the items and began to walk out with them.  As I attempted to exit, an employee told me to wait so she could check my bags/receipt.  I told her I did not want her to look in my bag.  She protested, and I told her she had no right to look in my bag.  I then proceeded to walk out, ignoring her.  She tried to stop my brother, but he decided to follow me.  My brother says it is not an exaggeration to say she was yelling at us.

I also think it is important to note that the employee did not merely ask to see my bag/receipt; she did not seek my consent.  She gave me an order, saying something to the effect of "Wait, I need to see your bag."  I felt like she had no authority to give me such an order, and thus I had no obligation to follow her order.

The employee followed out the door, and as I walked to my car, she alerted another employee outside, who followed me.  As I drove away, it appeared to me he was writing down my license plate number.  To avoid any lingering hassles, I turned around.

A manager was in the parking lot.  I rolled down the window and explained that as a customer (who is not a member with a prior agreement), I had no obligation to let an employee look in my bag.  I preferred not to be hassled, and just wanted to leave.  Once I've purchased the items, I'm allowed to leave and they don't have a right to search me.

The manager explained this had nothing to do with searching me (though if they were going to look in my bags or look at my receipt, it is a search: the fourth amendment specifies "papers, and effects"), but that they have the right to check receipts.  I explained I knew the law, and that they did not (of course, they have a right to ask to see my receipt, but as the Consumerist reports, it is my choice whether or not to comply).  Of course if they had reason to believe I had stolen something, they could stop me.  Do you suspect me of stealing?, I asked.  The manager said she did not, though she did suggest it was strange why I wouldn't want somebody to look in my bags.  She also said the security alarm went off (I did not hear a security alarm as I had exited), and the employee was supposed to check when that happened.  She further added that sometimes the alarm goes off because of an error scanning merchandise (though that means nothing to me: if I didn't steal anything, then I had nothing to do with any alarm going off, which in this case I don't even think happened.  But people often walk through security alarms when they mistakenly go off.  They generally keep walking.  I do: I know I didn't take anything, and I have nothing to do with a machine buzzing beyond my control, so if I want to keep walking, I keep walking.  A machine buzzing doesn't automatically take away my rights). Finally I said that if she suspects me of stealing, I'll pull over and show my bags and receipt, even though I am not obligated to do so.  She said she did not, and she let me go.

All in all, it wasn't a big deal.  The employee was clearly not well trained to know that any bag search/receipt check of customers at a store are voluntary.  But I was not detained--merely hassled, slightly accosted, obviously accused.

Why did I not just show my bags?  I did not steal anything.  I had done nothing wrong, and I had nothing to hide.  But it is a matter of principle.  I'm appalled by the suggestion that "If you have done nothing wrong, then it shouldn't matter if I violate your rights."  The police can't do that (see the 4th Amendment), and private businesses can't either.  We have rights, and for a merchant to search or seize a person, that merchant needs probable cause (such as witnessing stealing).  I don't have to say "Well, I didn't do anything wrong, so I guess I'll set aside my rights and let you search my bags."  I simply don't have to do that: I have the right not to be accosted in such a way.  Bag searches and receipt checks are voluntary.  In this case, I chose not to allow my bags to be searched or my receipt to be checked, and so a Wal-mart employee yelled at me, followed out into the parking lot and sent another employee to follow me.  She apparently did not know that my consent to a bag search/receipt check was voluntary.

Oh, Gary Unmarried. Will you ever learn?

I have called Frasier the uber-sitcom: the show explored every possible conventional sitcom scenario you can think of.  They brought "character overhears part of a conversation and misinterprets it with hilarious results" to an artform.

But there's a new uber-sitcom.  It's not as good, but it uses many familiar sitcom situations.  I'm talking about Gary Unmarried.  After last week's "guy is at a restaurant with one woman and must keep her from seeing another woman who is also at the restaurant" situation, this week we're enjoying the "guy and gal aren't together but must pretend for somebody else that they are together, and the audience knows the truth, with hilarious results" scenario.

Jokes about men and women not getting along?  Oh, hell yes.  Jokes about sexless, joyless marriages?  You betcha.  Jokes about a hapless male who just doesn't get it?  The show is called "Gary Unmarried" folks--what do you think?

Sometimes I find myself not quite understanding, and I have to stop to catch up.  "Wait a minute: so a woman called a man to tell him something personal and slightly sexual, and he had her on speaker phone for a large group of people, and she didn't know she was on speaker phone, with hilarious results?"

Oh, Gary Unmarried.  What will you get yourself into next?

Do your job, fortune cookie!

After enjoying some Thai food from Taste of Thailand Restaurant, I turned to my fortune cookie to guide me the rest of my day, and perhaps my life.  And here is what the fortune cookie told me:

"An important word of advice may come from a child."

Well, I know a child may give me advice.  But right now, I have you here, fortune.  It's your job to give me a word of advice.  Why can't you give me advice, fortune cookie?  Imagine if I walked into Subway and the employee told me "Your mother may make you a sandwich."  Sure she may, but you're here now!

Thanks for nothing, fortune cookie.  Now I'm left to fend for myself, or wait for a child to come give me advice.

Miller Lite demands excessive brand loyalty

There's that one "More Taste League" commercial when a guy is at a bar and he orders a Miller Lite. The commissioner, disguised as a bartender, says they're out. The poor sap says, "OK, any lite beer then." The commissioner then calls him "Busted:" he's not supposed to drink any other beer but Miller Lite. Even if Miller Lite is not available, Miller Lite doesn't think this poor fellow should drink any other beer. So if you're out at a bar, and that bar isn't serving Miller Lite for some reason, you should drink water, or nothing. Maybe gin. But you're not supposed to order another beer.

Unintentionally Stupid Dialogue

In House on Haunted Hill, Taye Diggs says "That was the most fun I've had all day."  Ali Larter responds, "You need to get out more."

He said "all day."   What, he's supposed to get out more today?

It was a particularly lousy day: after all, he had spent the day in a crazy millionaire's haunted mental hospital.  I don't know that his lack of fun that day is indicative that he's not getting out enough every other day.

My favorite current sitcom:

I'm surprised to say it: The New Adventures of Old Christine.  No other show so consistently makes me laugh out loud, and I never expect it.

Cold Case

On this show Cold Case, these detectives go around solving these old murders that have been sitting around unsolved for years. My wife is vexed by this show. For one thing, how do these mastermind detectives solve the crimes that detectives couldn't solve immediately after they occurred? Generally by...going around and talking to everybody that might have been involved. Didn't the original detectives think of this? Or were they just really bad at asking questions? What happens over a period of years that makes the killers decide to confess? Couldn't these same questions have been asked right away?

And why are these super-detectives using basic investigative interrogation techniques to solve old crimes? Maybe if they put these brilliant masterminds on current cases, there wouldn't be so many cold cases in the future.

standing up to the liars at NBC

There's a commercial for the new NBC show "Kath and Kim" that says "everybody" loves the show. But I don't.

Michele Bachman: embarrassing

Dear 49 other states,

We're sorry about Michele Bachman. We're embarrassed.

Signed,

Minnesota (or at least those liberals in Minnesota, whom Bachman may or may not think are "anti-American").

P.S. But it is fun to watch Chris Matthews try to ask questions to make Bachman take ownership of her implications, while Bachman blithely goes on in her silliness. It's like watching an Ali G interview.

Boost the Economy: Stop Political Ads

Our economy is in crisis.  We're a consumer economy, and we need to boost consumption to get back on track.  And I have a simple proposal to boost consumerism.

Stop campaign advertisements.

I rely on commercials to tell me what pizza to eat, to inform me about how much fun I'll have if I choose one brand of pop over another, to let me know how many calories are in bottles of beer, to tell me where I'm supposed to buy my pants.  How am I supposed to consume goods when there are fewer ads telling me which goods to consume?

When I should be learning about new cell phone plans directly from the cell phone companies, I'm instead looking at images of Barack Obama, John McCain, Norm Coleman, Al Franken, Erik Paulson, Ashwin Madia.  And according to these commercials, each of these men is bad.  How am I supposed to purchase products when all I know is why I can't trust these fellows?

When John McCain put out an ad calling Barack Obama dishonorable for merely mentioning that civilians in Afghanistan are being killed in air attacks (by they way, they are), he is taking away somebody else's opportunity to try sell me a car.

It's a miracle I even know how much a footlong sandwich at Subway costs; if politicians had their way, I'd never get the chance to be informed.

So, campaigning political candidates, if you really want to help this economy, how about making sure decent, hard-working, good old fashioned corporations still have an opportunity to hawk their wares.

Frugality and Clothes

One of the ways I've saved money over the years is to rarely if ever buy myself new clothes.  I would rely on my existing wardrobe for as long as possible, changing it primarily through family hand-me-downs and Christmas gifts.  

This lifestyle has actually allowed me to build up a pretty big pile of clothes, but there's a problem: my clothes don't fit.  I get pants that I've never tried on, so they may or may not fit right.  Generally they are too big and I need a belt or suspenders, or they just hang too loose.  Furthermore, I lost a bunch of weight, and so even clothes that could basically function were way, way too big.  I've just gotten used to having pants with a very wide waste, with cuffs that always get worn away because they get under my shoes, with baggy legs that are always rubbing against each other.

But in the last two days I've tried on some pants that fit right.  They might be the first pants I've had that fit properly since...well, I don't even know.   But it feels wonderful.  And now I realize: it's good to be frugal, but you should still try acquire clothing that fits.  I feel much, much better about my day because I am wearing pants that fit.  The waste is just normal.  There isn't a whole bunch of extra fabric flowing around my legs (I can walk without the fabric from each leg rubbing together!).  The bottoms aren't getting caught under my shoes.

And besides, it's not that expensive.  I bought two new pairs of pants this week for a grand total of $21.16.  If you shop off of clearance racks, and shop at cheap stores (Target, Old Navy, Kohl's), you can actually get really cheap clothes.

So now I'm committed: I buy my own clothes (I also bought a sweater just because it is a sweater Geoffrey Tennant sometimes wears on Slings & Arrows).  It's not something I would have done in grad school when I was living on super-duper frugality, but it's something I can do now that I'm just living on regular frugality (with some excessive exceptions). 

Right now, having clothing that fits feels like some sort of extravagant luxury.  I'm living it up, baby!

A blog you might enjoy.

It's about shopping.  It's about the Twin Cities.  We like it.

Unchain My Cart.

If the Vikings were Republicans

It is halftime of the week two matchup between the Minnesota Vikings and the Indianapolis Colts. The Vikings are leading the game 9-0. Head coach Brad Childress comes into the locker room wearing shoulder pads, a jersey, even a helmet. Behind him on the wall is a sign reading "Mission Accomplished." To the cheering of the players, Childress declares major football playing against the Colts to be completed.

After another hapless game by Tarvaris Jackson, Jackson faces the media in a press conference. He's confronted by questions of his poor decision-making, his inaccurate passes, his inability to allow the team to sustain drives or finish drives. After Jackson is done taking questions, Childress pats him on the shoulder and says "You're doing a heck of a job Jacksony."

Viking offensive coordinator Darrell Bevell tells the media just before the 2008 season begins that "The fundamentals of the Viking passing game are strong."

Consumer Information You'd Never Suspect:

Several variations of Oreos are vegan-friendly.

Or at least I think they are: it depends on where "polyglycerol esters of fatty acids" come from. And now that I think about it, maybe I don't want to eat something that has that in it.

But some sugar wafers are vegan. Even some brands of chocolate frosting are vegan. Wild world.

A blog you might like:

Retail Damnation

Commercials that talk to us.

Battery commercials tend to make assumptions about assumptions we have about batteries.  There's a commercial that says "If you think all batteries are the same, consider this..."  Who thinks all batteries are the same?  Could I just take a regular AA battery and stick it in my cell phone?  

Thanks for reminding me, battery company, but I already didn't think all batteries were the same before I saw your stupid commercial.

Bathrooms in the Twin Cities

OK, the men's room in Macy's at the Maplewood Mall is awesome: spacious, clean, inviting.

George W. Millen

From the beginning there were questions about whether or not he deserved the job. Did he really earn it? And then very quickly there arose questions about how much time he spent away from the job, how hard he was willing to work.

Then disasters started happening, one after another. And over and over again, he showed incompetence attempting to deal with problems. His detractors began to find him personally loathsome. But it wasn't personality that drove his critics mad: it was his consistent bungling, his constant mismanagement, his frequent mistakes.

Soon he showed a stubborn character, an unwillingness to recognize a mistake, a persistence in continuing along the same plan again and again. "Stay the course" was the mantra. Even though it looked incredibly stupid, he vowed to continue following the same path, continuing the same mistakes, again and again.

Despite a questionable record, he got a job extension. For better or worse, he was going to have the job. And he continued to mismanage everything, badly. During his time as leader, the organization he led suffered through an intensely difficult period, a time fraught with failures and struggles. Things often went badly, and he showed no ability to actually deal with the problems that arose (in fact, many believed he was responsible for those problems). It was a bad time for the organization, and whether leadership was the cause, or whether leadership was simply unable to deal with circumstances, is up for debate. But without a doubt leadership was poor. It was a rough period characterized by an incompetent, stubborn, unlikeable, clueless, awful leader.

George W. Millen.

The Detroit Lions will be better off when he's not running things. So will America.

Note:
After writing this, I thought "There are surely others who have seen this connection and written this sort of thing before me (and done better)." Indeed, here are a few:

Daily Kos
KFAN message boarders
Fanhouse commenters

Consumerism in Conflict

I am perhaps a bit too obsessed with Subway. As a mostly vegan vegetarian, Subway's veggie sandwich is just the best meal I can have. Whenever I choose or am forced to spend money on something else, I set that in relation to Subway: for every five dollars I spend, I think "this could have got me a sub." If I ever manage to save money, or choose not to spend a certain amount of money, I divide that number by five and announce "I am now entitled to X subs."

And that's not a bad thing. While a cheap person doesn't want to pay five dollars for a meal too frequently, a healthy person can be very pleased with a veggie sub. It's a filling meal with few calories and loads of fresh vegetables: I'm pretty sure just writing that talked me into getting a sub today.

But now I have Caribou Coffee's soy latte's chasing after Subway as my consumer obsession. I'm afraid every day I will at some point think "When and how can I get Caribou Coffee today?" When my alarm goes off and I'm tired, I think "Caribou Coffee will rescue me from this exhaustion." I'm just chasing after that beautiful espresso. But as a cheapskate, I can't really have both Caribou Coffee and Subway that often.

From a frugality standpoint, I have to choose Subway. No matter what each day we must get meals, and a sandwich is itself one of those meals; if I have a soy latte, I still need to seek out (and pay for) a meal. But now I have two consumer obsessions trying to separate me from my money.

Restrooms around the Twin Cities

Welcome to a new feature in which we highlight good public restrooms.

In the Maplewood Mall, I like the men's room on the first floor of Kohl's. The fact that (a) it's tucked away in a far corner and (b) it's a men's room in Kohl's seems to mean it is used little, for it is very clean and empty.

That is all for now.

Are you scared? You should be: you're desperate.

Scare Tactics is the Sci Fi Channel hidden camera show in which people get the piss scared out of them. The target gets put into an isolated situation, then some sort of scary event occurs to scare the person. It's horrifyingly funny.

But here's what disturbs me. To get the target into a scary situation, the target is often given a job in some isolated location late at night. So, to be a target on this show, you have to be desperate enough to take a part-time job on short notice in an isolated place in the middle of the night. After scaring the hell out of the person (in the best episode, the target is usually convinced he/she is about to die), they tell the person that "You're on Scare Tactics." Of course, first the target stares around confused because he/she has probably never heard of Scare Tactics because it's on the Sci Fi channel. And then...that person that was so desperate for money, he/she agreed to short-term work at an isolated location in the middle of the night...realizes he/she doesn't have a job.

Ragstock, you magnificent bastard!

Chance found me in the Ragstock in the Mall of America today.  And lucky chance it was: nice sport coats for $6.  Six dollars!

So know this, college students.  Before you imagine your professors are living the swanky life, remember that they may be standing next to you in Ragstock shopping for clothes to wear to class because it's what they can afford.

Nobody cares, but I don't like Wendy's commercials

Wendy's has a stupid commercial in which they pretend they're the first ones to consider putting hot chicken on a salad. It's always fun when people pretend they're being innovative. Hey! I just had an idea! I'll have blog, where I write snarky, sarcastic posts about things in pop culture that annoy me!

But now they have that "Meatetarian" commercial where they cock off vegetarians. And why not? I'm sure there are very few vegetarians in the Wendy's customer base. When I saw the commercial, I just turned to my wife and calmly asked, "Did we just get made fun of?" And then I continued about my business of never going to Wendy's.

Commercials that talk to us

You know that commercial with the woman that says "You know that song 'Time in a Bottle?'" I always say "No, no I don't." But every time she continues to talk as if I do know that song "Time in a Bottle." I guess I can still piece together what she's trying to say: language comprehension does rely on context, and after all, you don't really need to know that song "Time in a Bottle" to know what she's talking about.

We are Lazarus!

We wouldn't be the cruddy, directionless blog that we are if we didn't forget to post for most of summer. But we're back, baby!

Restaurant Coupons on the Internet

If I'm planning on going to a restaurant for any reason, I've started checking that restaurant's webpage just to see if there are any promotions. It's a good way to go about business.

This week I am going to Romano's Macaroni Grill, and bingo: provide some basic information (name, email, address), and you get a coupon for a free appetizer. That's some sweet action!

"Found Money": excuse, or frugality perk?

Sometimes in life we get money that we don't expect, or save money that we had accounted on spending. How should we treat this?

Here are a few examples. I opened a recent bill to find that I had been overcharged $39 the last time I was billed. As a result, this money is applied to my current bill, which as it happens means it covers it all (and lowers the next bill). That is $39 I had basically spent, that I'm now getting back (sure I was never supposed to have spent it, but in the initial bill the overcharge did not stand out to me--it was what I had reasonably expected to pay). I also planned on buying about three pairs of pants in August. In a recent excursion through storage areas of my home, I found three pairs of pants (one brand new, two still in good shape) that now fit rather nicely. I had guessed on spending around $30, and now I don't have to.

Now, there are also many cases in life when we have to pay for things we didn't expect to, or have to pay more than we accounted for. Perhaps "found money" just balances things out. Perhaps that's how we should treat it, and we should save any "found money."

But...

When you're living a frugal lifestyle, that "found money" can feel a lot like "free money." Based on the examples I provided above, I feel like I should now have about $69 to spend on whatever I want. After all, it's money I either didn't plan on having, or planned on spending, that I now get to keep. I don't need it--it had already been budgeted away. Why shouldn't I now spend that money on something extra? $69 is like 12 or 13 veggie subs at Subway. It's almost a hobby box of Topps 2008 football cards. Considering I'm plus $69, couldn't I eat guilt-free at Subway for 12 meals? Couldn't I buy myself that box of football cards without any remorse?

Am I making excuses to spend money I don't need to spend, or am I finding a way to live life both frugally and enjoyably?

Drizzle and Hail: Byerly's, Prepping for Vacation, and Mostly a Bunch of Narcissistic Reflection

I have a question for people who do their regular grocery shopping at Byerly's: what is wrong with you?
For a little variety, Cruelty-Free Mommy and I stopped by Byerly's to look for some food. As it turned out, we got free smoothies from the Caribou in there, so I can't complain too much. However, looking at the prices of the food, I can't believe that people would do regular grocery shopping there.

The very same items (and I mean literally, the very same items) are available at places like Cub, Rainbow, Super Target, etc., for much, much less money. So why are people going to Byerly's to pay that much more money? To have somebody put your groceries in a bag for you? Is that worth it? To shop on carpet? Is that really worth the pleasure? For the free samples? With the money you'd save at a cheaper grocery store, you could go back and buy all the products which were being sampled.

I don't get it. It seems like an excessively stupid way to spend extra money. Why not go buy the cheaper groceries (again, often it is the very same item much cheaper), and then use that money for something else you want? Or donate the money to a charity you support? Anything! Why spend more money for the same items at Byerly's?

I don't get you people.

The Great Romaine Lettuce Contest
Cruelty-Free Mommy and I are taking the little Viking on a short vacation to Boston (thank you, government stimulus money), and we're leaving Thursday. Saturday afternoon, we bought two pounds of Romaine lettuce. Can we use it all?

I think we can. We can have big salads as meals in themselves, and we can have small salads with any other meals. And then we can have meals that could include lettuce. If we don't use it all and it goes bad, I'll just put it in the back yard for animals, but I hope we can make it.

I'm a bit of a phony
I write on this blog about being frugal, but there are two situations in which I just give money away without feeling bad about it. I think tipping is wildly out of control in our society, but when I do things that require a tip, I actually tip well. And when I have cash, I always try to give some to homeless people who ask for it. Even when living a frugal life, it is possible to be a good tipper and give money to beggars. When I buy pretty much anything, I have a slight bit of buyer's remorse. But I never regret giving money away in these situations.

I just though it worth noting that being proudly cheap does not entail being proudly cold: one can still attempt to be a kind, giving member of society and still live cheaply.

Vacation
My brother reminded me that leaving for vacation in four days, I ought to have some idea of what I'm packing. I hadn't even started. Apparently the idea is to know what you want to wear, and then spend the days prior to departure wearing a bunch of crappy clothes (or something like that).

Storing clothes
I really almost never spend money on clothes. I realize not everybody can do this: I'm lucky in that I get clothing passed down to me (still!), and can put together a wardrobe out of gifts.

But I also tend not to get rid of clothes myself, so I just store them away in bags for a long time. Eventually I would think I would give these things away. But as it happens now, I'm glad I've saved them. I've lost some weight recently, and I thought I'd have to go to a store and buy new pants. But no! I just went through the storage bags, and found three pairs of pants that fit just wonderfully. It's like getting new clothes for nothing.

So thank you, storage space. I estimate that on three new pairs of pants, I would have spent about $30. Now I have that $30 to do whatever I want with.

I'm still angry at Subway
OK, I'm mostly vegan, and Subway is still the best option for me to pick up a quick, filling, good meal. But I'm still furious that Subway has increased the price of the Veggie Delite sub during the same promotion in which it has decreased the price of many meat subs. There seems no reasonable justification for that. Subway has not responded to my emails with any explanation.

The Purpose of Summer

Summer is for watching all the TV shows you're too busy to watch the rest of the year. For example, How I Met Your Mother is hilarious. Somehow I knew this, but I rarely watch it until summer comes.

For Cruelty-Free Mommy, summer is for watching reality TV shows like Big Brother. Personally, I die a little inside just knowing the show is on a television somewhere, and I run to get out of the room if it is on. That's just me. For me, summer is for those sitcoms I missed the rest of the year.

I'm a phony.

I went back to Subway. I could hardly help it. What's a mostly vegan vegetarian cheapskate to do?

This tipping situation has gotten out of control

I just learned yesterday that one is supposed to tip the person that cuts one's hair (this affects me little, since I haven't been in to get a haircut for something like five years--I save money by trimming it myself. Yep, that's right).

Sometimes in life we pay a person for a service. We have an agreed upon price for this service ahead of time. Once the service is performed, payment is made. And in 21st century America, it is usually the provider of the service that sets the price. Rarely does one go to, say, a barber, and negotiate the price of a haircut: the price is set ahead of time, and the customer is expected to pay the set price. The price that is set by the provider of the service.

Why on earth are we supposed to give additional money, more money for the service than was agreed upon?

This is getting a little out of control. I tip waiters because that is what is done. I tip bartenders because that is what was done. If I get a pizza delivered, I tip the person that brings the pizza to me. Honestly, I rarely eat or drink out because it is so much more expensive than eating or drinking in, and the tipping just adds to that.

All this tipping is just getting a bit much for me.

Yahoo's Relationship Tips are Worthless

Sometimes when I'm logging out of my email or my fantasy baseball page, I end up on Yahoo!'s homepage and see their articles. Tonight I see an article promising "15 Ways to Keep Your Partner Happy." I see this and say, "Hmm, if my marriage needed saving, this is just the sort of thing that could save my marriage. I should read this."

The article is written to a general reader whose partner is a "she," so the readers are presumably heterosexual men and homosexual women. In general, there is not a single tip here that I haven't seen elsewhere. Hell, there's not a single tip here that's not a stereotype of the things to do: this is like a list that should be given to a sitcom husband. Let's look at some of the particularly worthless tips.

"2. Make her dinner one night. Don't ask her if she wants you to make dinner. Make her dinner before she gets home."

Because it is traditionally the woman who makes dinner, so if the man makes dinner, that makes it something special! Men, make dinner, and you've gone above and beyond! That's one of the little things that can satisfy your partner. Of course, if you are in a relationship in which you each, you know, cook meals, and you don't just assume that, you know, everything in the kitchen is the woman's realm, this tip means little. But if the woman in a relationship makes dinner every other night of the week, the man in the relationship deserves major kudos for making dinner one night of the week. Good job.

"4. Send her a text in the middle of the day telling her'I miss your smile from this morning' or 'Last night was amazing!' or 'The conversation we had last night was great.'"

That's an idea: interrupt your partner with a completely effortless, meaningless, emotionless form of communication, the text message.

" 5. Send an eCard in the middle of the day... something cute to remind her how much you really care about her."

Tell me how #5 is fundamentally different than #4. Is #6 "send an email"? Is #7 "call and leave a message"? Are there any other forms of technological communication we're leaving out? Was it that hard to get to 15?

"6. If she's going on a business trip, offer to drive her to the airport or pick her up to make her life that much easier."

Well this is pretty specific. It's also a tip predicated on the possibility that your partner goes on business trips.

"7. Let her have control of the remote control. Don't monopolize it for a change. Just give it to her and let her actually sit there and enjoying watching one of her shows. Then you can share one of her interests by watching it with her."

Is this a standup comedy bit? Are we really relying on such stereotypes here? As Jerry Seinfeld says of the remote control, men hunt and women nest. Therefore, let your partner have the remote. Also, put the toilet seat down. Oh, and if my partner chooses to watch something like "Friends," then unfortunately there is no way I can enjoy watching one of her shows. Maybe on an ironic level, but then I'll start making fun of it while watching, and she'll get annoyed. I'm already trying hard to pretend I'm not bored during "Wheel of Fortune."

"8. Offer to iron one of her shirts or take her clothes to the dry cleaner."

Let me tell you what we've never done in my household: iron a shirt. Let me tell you where neither of us have ever been: the dry cleaner. I've only seen dry cleaners on sitcoms.

"11. Take a shower together, then wash her hair, scrub her back, and give her a spa treatment. Do this and enjoy it!"

I'm going to leave this without comment. I could comment on the "advice" that men should enjoy a shower with a naked woman. I could comment that there may be a lot of men who wish their partners wanted them in the shower with them. But I won't make those comments. I won't.

"14. Decide on and set aside one night a week as date night. Have a date like when you first started dating."

Hmm. Never heard that one before. Are they just coming up with this stuff?

"15. Call her in the middle of the day and just say hello. Don't wait for her to call you."

Oh, we got there! Of the 15 relationship tips, three involved using technology to communicate with your partner during the day. Let's also point out that #1 (give a footrub without asking if she'd like a footrub) and #14 (reciprocate messages without being asked [and we'll further add, "What if there's no massage to reciprocate?"]) are also pretty much the same thing. And #9 involved cleaning the bathroom without being asked (basically, to keep your partner satisfied, do things without asking if you should. And evidently, that includes just going ahead and climbing in the shower with your partner).

Thanks for the non-help, David Wygant. I'll admit, I don't ever really expect Yahoo! to help me with much of anything--I only come across these brilliant bits of advice by accident, as I said, when I log out of better things. Sometimes Yahoo!'s stuff is interesting: today I also accidentally learned about superfoods. I mean, I guess I already knew about this too, and I'm already eating most of those things all the time (I'm mostly vegan). But usually it is stupid advice or celebrity gossip (I think the only time I learn about celebrity gossip is when I log out of things and Yahoo! provides me with stories. Really. Just recently a couple of people told me that Tony Romo had broken up with Jessica Simpson and it was big news. I never heard it at all. The only reason I knew about Romo and Simpson at all was because I happen to watch a lot of football. But really I both purposely and inadvertently avoid all celebrity gossip. Man, my use of parentheses is just totally out of control. I'm really rambling here. Basically, this advice sucked).

Everbody looks familiar!

I think as you get older, and you've seen more and more people in your life, you have more and more instances when it seems you've seen someone somewhere else. If I flip the channels on TV, every actor seems familiar. When I walk around a mall, I keep thinking I'm recognizing people. I suspect as I get older and I've seen even more people it will continue to seem that I've seen everybody somewhere else.

Subway: DTM?

You've probably seen the well-publicized change at Subway: several footlong subs are now dropped to $5.00. Did you know, however, that several Subway restaurants are increasing the price of the Veggie Delite footlong sub to $5.00? I've now seen and heard about this increase in price of veggie subs at a few different Subways, but as of this week I know it hasn't spread to every Subway.

So while Subway is decreasing the price of many subs, they are increasing the price of the veggie subs. This also means that they expect vegetarians to pay the same amount for their meatless subs as several meat eaters pay for their meat subs (in other words, vegetarians have to pay the same amount for less food).

It never bothered me terribly that veggie subs cost the same amount as the meatball subs. Whatever. But if Subway is now increasing the price of the Veggie Delite subs so that they cost the same amount as seven different meat subs, then I will no longer eat at Subway. Ever. As long as the Veggie Delite footlong sub costs as much as seven different meat subs, I will never eat there again.

I'm still debating whether I should still occasionally get subs at those restaurants that keep the price of the Veggie Delite under $5.00. But I'm very close to giving Subway the DTM stamp of removal. As Subway basically says "f--- y--, vegetarians, you can pay the same price as meat eaters for less food," I'm nearly ready to make the statement:

Subway: dead to me.

I dream about new battery technology

You know that commercial for batteries that starts something like "So you think there's nothing new in battery technology..."? You probably don't, because it's boring. It's also sort of weird, isn't it? If I thought there was nothing new in battery technology, eh? Do people think this? Are people under the mistaken impression that technology surrounding the battery has reached its peak and cannot possibly go further? George Costanza said toilet paper couldn't improve anymore; does everybody else think that you can't improve the battery? Probably not. Furthermore, who is spending any time thinking about battery technology? I've never thought about battery technology outside of school. It's never crossed my mind that it can't improve, but it's also never crossed my mind how it might improve. I don't really think about it. I don't think about it at all. But that battery company is selling batteries to people who used to think there was no new battery technology, but are now made aware that some sort of new battery technology has made a particular brand's batteries super awesome.

My favorite fictional weatherman

Dave Spritz, from The Weather Man. Just read some of his quotes. You should see this movie.

Cheapness Quandary

Two years ago I was placed in a shared office space. In this office space was a coat rack, and on it was a decent suit coat. As far as I could tell, however, I only shared the office with women, and nobody ever moved the suit coat. At the end of that semester, my office got moved, and somebody moved whatever stuff was remaining in it. Included in the move was the coat rack with the suit coat. I've now been in the same office for a year and a half, and the coat rack and suit coat have been here the entire time. Based on the job, the shared office, the position, there is a lot of turnover: I'm guessing the original owner of the coat is gone and will never bee back to claim the coat.

Now I have to clean out my entire office. I'll be coming back to it in the fall, but there's some sort of building improvement that is requiring us to clean out the office. I'm removing all my stuff, but I was going to leave the suit coat with a note that it was never mine.

But...for laughs, I tried the coat on. I can't remember why, but I always thought it was too small for me. Well, I have lost a lot of weight, and as it happens, the coat fits.

Now, I really love suit coats. I buy really cheap suit coats at Kohl's whenever they go on clearance. I really sort of like this coat, and while I wouldn't wear it back to work (the very building at which I found the coat!), I could still wear it. If I don't take it, I don't know where it will end up. It might go into some terminal lost and found bin. It might be thrown away. Somebody else could claim it.

So, should I wear another man's coat? What would you do? Would you take the jacket? Though frugality dictates that I ought not let something go to waste, it would feel a bit like stealing. Actually, I could take the coat and give it to Good Will or some charity that collects clothes: that way I don't benefit from taking another person's coat, but the coat doesn't go to waste either. Actually, I sort of like that last option.

I'll need an answer by Friday. Please, share any thoughts you have.

UPDATE--The resolution: I was told by somebody in the office that if I didn't take the jacket, they were going to throw it away.

Sometimes, I'm not cheap.

Look, Good Earth has a vegan friendly oatmeal date bar. It costs $2.95. That's a bit steep for a bar. But man, oh man. Man, oh man. I mean, man, oh man. If you're living a mostly vegan lifestyle, and you munch into that oatmeal date bar, man, oh man.

They've taken the fun out of my snark

It's fun to make fun of commercials. It's fun to make fun of movies. And it's really fun to make fun of movie commercials. It's always fun to see a movie that looks a lot like another movie and say something like "I liked that better the first time when it was X" and then look around to your friends expecting them to smirk approvingly.

But when one movie is just so obviously like another movie, you don't even get that fun. You can't even fancy yourself witty or clever for pointing it out. It's just too obvious, and you feel stupid for even saying so. And you start to wonder, "If I make this joke, am I just going to find out it's an intentional remake and everybody will think I'm stupid?" So you sit there, not saying anything until you finally decide to blog about it.

Groceries Groceries Groceries

In trying to live both frugally and healthily, my entire being feels consumed by groceries. If you eat a lot of produce, it means going to get groceries a few times a week. No matter what you do, you will be uttering phrases like "We're out of lettuce again" and "Didn't I just buy strawberries?" and "I thought there were pears in here" and "I just finished off the broccoli." You can't just plan ahead and buy in bulk--produce only lasts so long (I'm pushing it with a two pound bag of romaine lettuce right now).

But running out of produce is one half of a duel problem. The other issue is the constant battle to beat the due dates; as a frugal person, it pains me to throw out food just because it went bad before I ate it (sure, I feed it to squirrels in the back yard, so it's not wasted, exactly). So you're always monitoring the food to make sure it's not going to be overdue soon.

Eating produce makes one constantly aware of groceries. Groceries. Nothing but groceries. I'm not sure an hour goes by when I'm not conscious of groceries.

Frazier is the Uber-Sitcom

What a show! Every possible sitcom convention is used--and perfected. There's no reason to do a conventional sitcom after Frazier. After this, shows had to start going in new directions--using narrators, abandoning the laugh track, etc. Frazier was simply the culmination of a great sitcom tradition of zany capers, overheard (and misunderstood) conversations, two characters thinking they're talking about the same thing when they're actually talking about something different, secrets and deceptions, characters named but never seen, characters trying to extricate themselves from embarrassing situations (and usually failing), and romantic relationships gone awry. The big distinction is that the two characters are pretentious fellows that are difficult to like.

Cheapy gets an iPod (free, of course)

The frugal approach to credit cards is pretty obvious: only use it for things you were going to buy anyway, and always pay off the balance monthly to avoid giving away money for nothing in interest.

But credit cards also come with some perks. I'm about to get a free iPod because of the points added up by the use of my credit card for things I would have purchased with or without the card. I'm also getting a free Minnesota Vikings flag on a pole, but it's the iPod I'm really excited about.

I have no idea how it works. I'm going to have somebody help me to load showtunes onto it so that when I go for long walks in the summer, I can listen to Wicked and Les Miserables and Jesus Christ Superstar. That's actually the only reason I even wanted the iPod.

Canned Green Beans

To live a life both frugal and healthy, canned green beans are pretty prevalent in my life. I'll never buy a can of green beans for more than 50 cents, and then there's a low calorie, nutritious meal for quarters.

Long live canned green beans!

Super Fruit and Veggie Lockdown

There's Lockdown--that's easy. There's eating mostly fruits and vegetables--that's OK. There's Super Lockdown--that's a bit of a challenge.

And then there's Super Fruit and Veggie Lockdown. Coming in Summer 2008: stay tuned.

More pretty thoughts

When it comes to matters of war and peace, The Star Tribune's Katherine Kersten insists that pretty thoughts don't work.

When it comes to matters of sex and policy, though, Kersten certainly likes pretty thoughts.

She likes to believe that you can convince large groups of people, including horny adolescents, not to have sex simply by telling them why they ought not to. Forget teaching teenagers about how to have safe sex if they choose to have it: according to Kersten, "young people"

"need to hear from us -- their parents, teachers and medical caregivers -- that self-restraint is not only possible, but desirable, and that real happiness comes from respecting your own dignity and that of others."

You know what? I agree. Self-restraint is possible and in many cases desirable. Respecting one's own dignity and the dignity of others should be a lesson we pass on to all young people. On this I agree with Kersten.

But I thought "pretty thoughts didn't work." According to Kersten, when it comes to peace and violence, "pretty thoughts" are ineffective and we have to be more realistic. When it comes to teens and sex, though, Kersten is quite the idealist. She wants to believe that we can address the problems of teen sex (such as STDs) by simply teaching teens not to have sex. In this case, perhaps a more realistic approach would be more helpful. Many human beings are going to have sex with each other no matter what you teach them. Perhaps, while teaching values such as self-restraint and self-dignity, we could also teach safe sex methods. Perhaps, as we inform teenagers of the pitfalls of unrestrained sex, we could teach them how not to get a venereal disease should they choose to have sex. Of course, in this column Kersten (the supposed* realist on matters of war) mocks those attempting to take a realistic attitude toward sex and teenagers.

But perhaps Kersten could extend her ethic of respecting the dignity of others. Kersten has defended torture (with some "ends justify the means" logic). Does the torturer respect the dignity of the person being tortured? I find that difficult to believe.

(*I say "supposed" because I don't believe advocating war to solve serious problems is a realistic approach. As John Howard Yoder says, "There is no more utopian institution than an idealistic war." But further explorations of the meaning of pacifism and the ineffectiveness of violence is a discussion for another blog).

(For a more amusing take on the issue, see Rich Goldsmith's piece in The Rake. I don't mean to discuss serious things at this blog--really. But I write about Minnesota media here, so sometimes I'll write serious things).

For those still taking TV news seriously

How does Kare 11 help you to understand Minnesota's bonding bill? Go to their website and watch the video to find out. From John Croman:

"It would be a lot easier to explain it if only they were talking about a different kind of 'bonds.' Say Barry Bonds, or James Bond, Gold Bond Powder, or denture bonds, even U.S. Savings Bonds or classic rocker Gary 'U.S.' Bonds."

This list of punny uses of "bonds" certainly helped me understand the issue more clearly. Actually, I'd like to be one of the staff writers that came up with a list of alternate meanings of "bond." And was it too much trouble getting the stock photos for those different "bonds"? That's fine, that's fine: that's just what you should be using your news budget for.

The segment ends with mention of a possible governor's veto:

"You might say the governor hasn't 'bonded' with this bill."

Puns are awesome.

This segment also features Croman holding up pieces of paper with words on them (because we wouldn't know what he's talking about if he just said them), and footage of a polar bear swimming around.

This isn't a Sesame Street bit. It's not even for a middle school Civics class. It's real news, targeted to real adults.

Syndication makes things better

I laugh at The New Adventures of Old Christine. It's a funny show. But sometimes I think I shouldn't watch new episodes on CBS. Someday, this show is probably going to be in early afternoon syndication. Such a timeslot lowers my expectations (hence my moderate enjoyment of Still Standing), making me enjoy the show even more. As it happens, late afternoon is a time I really need something entertaining on television, so I think I should avoid watching the show now so that it is new and fresh to me a few years from now in syndication.

F--- You, Subway

So, Subway, you want to make a deal where all footlong subs are $5 or less? What does that do for vegetarians? It doesn't lower the price of subs for us at all. All this means is that meat eaters are only paying 21 cents more than I am for their meat subs. I'd rather pay the extra 21 cents and get the meat packed for my cat.

F--- you, Subway. If you're going to make a great special deal with a pretty good deal on subs, at least lower the footlongs on veggie subs to $4.

Movie Commercial Rule

If at any point during a commercial for a movie, the narrator says "But when...," it's not a movie you want to see.

Drizzle and Hail

Frugality means managing inconveniences
To live a frugal life, you have to decide whether avoiding a minor inconvenience is worth a certain amount of money. A frugal person is usually willing to endure a moderate level of inconvenience to avoid spending money.

My car's front passenger door doesn't open from the outside. This is a minor inconvenience and I would rather not pay to have it fixed. This morning, however, the front passenger door didn't open from the front or back. To get in, I had to climb into the back driver side seat, reach up to push open the front passenger side door, then crawl in from there to the front driver side seat.

This would be too great an inconvenience to do every time I drove. Furthermore, the car doors only have keyholes on the front doors; if I accidentally locked the doors, I would then be locked out of the car (with potentially my son locked in). That can't stand.

Luckily, the ice melted as I drove for a while and the front driver's side door opens from inside and outside.

Shopping and Gender
I do a lot of grocery shopping, and I spend a lot of time in produce sections. This weekend, I was in a grocery store in a small town. There was a man selecting tomatoes, and I went next to him to start selecting roma tomatoes. A female employee started saying "Oh, it's good to see men here shopping. You must have been given a 'Honey Do' list. Are you preparing supper tonight? Well, if you need any help, just let me know."

I completely ignored this woman rather than launch into a tirade of "Hey, despite whatever gender stereotypes you have, I buy a whole lot of produce myself. I check the quality of a lot of fruit and vegetables. I know what I'm doing. If you ever go to an auto parts store, do you expect a male employee to say 'Oh, look, a woman buying car parts. Your husband must have sent you up here to get something. Well if you have no idea what you're doing and you need me to help you, just let me know'? No, you'd probably feel demeaned. So don't assume that because I'm some oaf of a fat and hairy man that I can't pick out my own fresh vegetables."

Frugality Tip
Avoid ever buying anything that requires you to tip a person. Usually you can get such items on your own without leaving a tip.

Stupid Commercial
You know that commercial where those people buy movie tickets, and it's 8:59 and they all have to hurry to get in by 9:00? What's the deal with that? If it's like any movie theater I've been too, you've got time. There are some commercials and some previews. You'll be fine people.

Now, even as I say this, I am a desperately punctual person that hates above just about anything else being late. I often get to movie theaters 15 minutes or more early, and I start to feel rushed and panicked if I'm not sitting in my seat with at least 10 minutes before start time, before the previews have started. And I limit my fluid intake and go to the bathroom several times before the movie starts. But I don't go to movies in the theater anymore anyway because I have a one year old--I just wait for Netflix.

Anyway, that last paragraph was all about my own neuroses, but seriously, that commercial is stupid.

Things the media thinks I care about: another state's governor

Here's a quick quiz:

Which of the following is relevant to you:
a) a political scandal for a governor of a state you don't live or work in
b) the shenanigans of Britney Spears
c) The rate at which different shirts deposit lint in your belly button at different rates

The answer is c), and yes I equate a scandal for a governor of a state I don't live or work in with the shenanigans of a Hollywood celebrity that also doesn't matter. It's not that I'm not interested in another state governor's policies; it's just that another state's governor's political scandal just shouldn't matter terribly to people outside of that state. It doesn't matter and it's not that interesting; it's just another story that people talk about on TV, radio, internet, and newspapers.

Of course, the national media thinks I should care about it. Even the local Twin Cities media thinks I should care about it. But I know that it is irrelevant and uninteresting. If our governor is ever involved in political scandal, I'll certainly pay attention, but I won't expect anybody that doesn't live or work in my state to do so.

Ask Gary

You know how some commercials are so interesting, funny, or catchy that they stick with you and make you want to purchase the product or use the services being advertised? Well, I know one commercial that does not fit this description.

I get so annoyed every time I see the commercial for 1-800-ASK-GARY. Ask Gary is a helpline for people who have legal trouble or some such nonsense. For some reason, the tactic used in the commercial is to have common folks give their thoughts on the services provided by this Gary person. One man in particular bugs me. He says this about 1-800-ASK-GARY:

"It's a helpline, that's the way I feel about it."

It IS a helpline--that's not the way anyone feels about it! That's just what IS. I don't say crazy things like, "Cars have wheels. That's the way I feel about it," or "Worms live under the ground, that's the way I feel about it," or "Salt tastes salty. That's the way I feel about it." That would be crazy.

So, if they took the time to interview local rubes for the advertisement, was this the best they got? And why has this half-assed, crappy, lame excuse for a commercial been running for so many months? I am going nuts here.

The Greatest Ensamble Cast in the History of Film

Is The Faculty. I kid you not.

It features Josh Hartnett, Salma Hayek, the life coach from Nip/Tuck, Shooter McGavin, Lilith, Agent Doggett, Usher, Jon Stewart, Frodo, Louis Black, and Kruger of Kruger Industrial Smoothing.

Moving down from the A list, there's also the woman from The Fast and the Furious, the girl who was in on it in Suicide Kings, an FBI agent from Heroes, the guy from Outside Providence, Hyde from That 70s Show, the mayor from Friday Night Lights, and Joane Street from Friday Night Lights.

Every time this movie shows up on TV I somehow get sucked into the screen, though I don't think I even know how it ends.

laughing out loud in my office

I've added a new link to the side; thanks to Bookslut for linking to garfield minus garfield. It's funny in ways that I don't understand.

If I were rich (1): I'd be a cheese connoisseur

Let's do a new feature at WHMFASS called "If I were rich." We'll explore different things I would do if I were rich. No, not cliche things about what fancy car I'd buy or anything like that. We'll just talk about what I would do if I weren't living a non-frugal lifestyle, or I didn't have to think about money at all.

If I were rich, I'd be a cheese connoisseur.

I love cheese. I love trying different kinds of cheeses. And if I were rich, I'd really devote my time and resources to trying a lot of different kinds of cheese.

I don't think I'd be a globe-hopping cheese taster. I would just buy the expensive cheeses at a regular supermarket. Yesterday I was examining cheeses at the grocery store, and there was some cheese there that sold for between $.80 and $1.40 per ounce. Now, I don't own many items at all that cost $1.40 per ounce, so unless I get rich, I probably won't eat this cheese (except when the store offers free samples).

All these different cheeses from around the world look really exciting. I saw some cheese that was aged in a cave for a year. I saw some cheese that came from a goat. And if I were rich, I'd buy all sorts of this cheese and spend my time eating it.

On coupons

Coupons are only valuable if you use them on items you were going to purchase anyway. If you let a coupon (or a sale, for that matter) convince you to buy items you weren't otherwise going to buy, then you haven't saved money, you've spent extra money.

Oh, but can you resist the coupon? This is why there are always coupons attached to pizza boxes. I can't judge: sales and coupons are always swaying me. We need to put up conscious resistance.

In other news, the Little Caesar's a few blocks from my house opens tomorrow. All my concern for frugality and health must be pushed aside as I celebrate this fortuitous event.

Typo Fun: Texasm and Hisotiran

It will probably be fixed by the time you look, but at 10:11 p.m. this Star Tribune headline reads, "Clinton looks for win in Texasm but state's complicated, hybrid-primary-caucus may favor Obama." I'll leave it to you to define "Texasm," and try not to be lewd.

Earlier today on Kare 11, I'm fairly certain that a caption called a man a "Hisotiran." Maybe it was misspelled differently: that's so awkward that I almost don't believe I could have really seen it that way. I'll also leave you to define "Hisotiran," too.

It takes a really petty person to take pleasure in simple typos by professional journalists. An immature, petty person.

Didn't this blog used to be a little bit about Sven Sundgaard?

Here's basically what happened: My 29 put The Simpsons on at 10:00, and now there is rarely a time that I watch local news. Because local news isn't news in the real sense: it's a half hour of folksy entertainment with perhaps five minutes of meaningful news in there somewhere. As I can get real news elsewhere, I don't need the folksy entertainment for a half hour (just like I don't need a weather forecast that's about five minutes long). So I'm hardly ever watching Kare 11, because if I want entertainment, at 5:00 I'm watching Law & Order, at 6:00 I'm watching The Simpsons, and then of course at 10:00 there's The Simpsons again. But this is if I'm watching TV at these times, which I guess I usually am.

That is why this blog has recently focused more on frugal life than on local news: because local news is generally pointless and The Simpsons is better.

Pleasure of Frugality: Doing the Math

When you get a great savings deal, it's fun to figure out all the different mathematical ways to consider your savings. For example, at Target this weekend I bought ten packs of ten iced tea drop-ins for $1.89 each. The drop-ins were already half as expensive as bottles of iced tea: now on sale, they're much cheaper. The different ways to consider drop-ins versus bottles:

One drink costs me about 19 cents instead of 50 cents.

I got 100 drinks for just a bit more than 36 drinks would have cost me.

I saved about $31 on 100 drinks.

I can drink almost three drinks for the price of one bottle.

Of course, I have to have bottles around and I have to mix and shake my own tea. But to save 62% on tea, it's really worth it to have to stand around shaking a bottle around.

Cheapskate Nightmare

I have a coupon that would save me a dollar on a product. I go to the store intending to buy the product. I pick out the product. I pay for the product.

Later, I realize I forgot to give the cashier the coupon. And now a little piece of my soul is bleeding.

"Pretty thoughts didn't work."

The Star Tribune's Katherine Kersten makes fun of Keith Ellison for wanting peace in this world, suggesting that in the past, "Pretty thoughts didn't work."

For now, let's not even argue with her false assumption that violence/war does work. Let's just remember her words. "Pretty thoughts didn't work."

The next time Kersten opposes or mocks a practical measure because of her conservative ideology or her religious beliefs, let us remind her that pretty thoughts don't work.

Lockdown Update

Lockdown is much harder than it used to be. For one thing, I now care about my health, which means I'm purchasing items like frozen fruit and fresh spinach which are not priced for subsistence level. I'm also shopping for a family now: on my last grocery trip, approximately half the money I spent was on items exclusively for the Baby Viking, or items I would not have purchased had Cruelty-Free Mommy not asked me too. Take away those expenses, and I'm still pretty close to old Lockdown levels.

I'm still utterly amazed at the cheapness of pasta meals. The sauce is so frequently on sale I have to limit myself: purchase Hunt's when it's down to 80 cents a can, and Ragu when it's down to a dollar a jar (buying in bulk means that should be it; if not, Market Pantry for $1.02 is also a decent price). I also generally save the jars and use them as water glasses.

Just another benefit of preparing your own meals rather than going to a restaurant: sales tax. Most grocery items that you get for yourself are untaxed, but if somebody prepares food for you, it is usually taxed. That's something that can really add up: when you tally up the difference between making your food or going out, you can forget that. And if you're going to sit down at a restaurant, you've got a tip to consider (though cheapskates, we always tip well).

The Magic Bullet is a helpful item for Lockdown. Even when trying to subsist, you have to have some food that is really, really tasty. We've discovered that a smoothie with mango and pineapple in it is as close to heaven as we'll get in this world. And if you want a milk shake, you don't have to go to a restaurant: throw the ice cream and milk (and if you'd like, chocolate sauce or fruit) in the Magic Bullet. A griddle is another useful Lockdown cooking tool. We can make grilled cheese (with multiple flavors of cheese, tomato, and onions) that I feel are restaurant quality. A waffle maker is also great (pancake and waffle mix are wonderful sustenance foods).

Cruelty-Free Mommy and I were going to break down and eat out at a mall last Saturday. When we looked at the food, however, we realized it would be cheaper, more filling, and likely as good to just stop by Target and get a frozen pizza. With the way frozen pizzas are made now, it's really unnecessary to get pizza from a restaurant. Little things add up: frozen pizzas are untaxed, but restaurant pizzas have sales tax. Still, there's a Little Caesar's opening next to the Subway in our neighborhood--occasionally that's going to be hard to resist.

An absolute rule for Lockdown: NEVER, EVER pick up the impulse items at the checkout. The beverages are MUCH cheaper if you buy them in bulk and put them in your own damn fridge, and the candy really has no benefit for you other than costing you 40-60 cents. The magazines suck and there's plenty to read on the internet anyway. The candy at the checkout line is a demon temptress that you must overcome if you wish to live a frugal life.

There's my narcissistic trip through two weeks of Lockdown.

Overbearing Weather Alerts

The local TV networks are completely out of control with their School Alerts. They take up far more of the television screen than they actually need to.

Both KSTP 5 and My 29 have a bar on the bottom that is twice as big as it needs to be; instead of showing the school delays/cancellations on two lines, they could easily cut the bar in half and show them on one (a slow scroll is effective for longer info). And that bar on the side of the screen? COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY.

I'm watching The Simpsons on my little eight and a half by eleven inch TV (the size of a piece of paper!), and on My 29, the bottom bar is one and a half inches wide and the side bar is just under one and a half inches (yep, I pulled out my Bethel College ruler that I got free at the State Fair a few years ago and measured it).

Of course, on commercials the alert goes away entirely. It is only during programming that my screen is shrunk by a percentage that I can't calculate because I'm an English teacher, not a math teacher.

Why, local networks, do you force yourself into your programming so prominently? Is it really necessary?

Snarky internet cynicism was "once new," too.

Check out the abstract for an article on the Target Center at Minnesota Public Radio's website:

"Minneapolis' top priority during the upcoming legislative session will be some relief in the form of state aid for the Target Center. Once new, the facility isn't attracting high-profile acts, and it's running in the red." (emphasis mine).

"Once new"? You mean, the Target Center isn't like God, ageless and eternal? There was a time when the Target Center was "new"?

"Once new"? I mean, can't we say that about, well, absolutely everything in the universe? "Once new." Classic.

Lockdown

Lately I fear I've been spending money too easily (mostly on food, yes, but on food that is too expensive). So I'm putting myself into lockdown mode--I'm doing what I can to try spend a minimal amount of money. All bills must be paid, of course, but lockdown means reducing any other spending.

First, lockdown means bringing your entertainment budget as close to zero as possible. That's not hard--you can still enjoy all the things you've already spent money on. So I'll be reading all sorts of books that I already own (and if I finish them all before lockdown is lifted, which is unlikely, I have several library cards), watching DVDs I already own, playing games I already own, those sorts of things. I'm actually not bringing the entertainment budget to zero--I'll keep cable, internet, and Netflix. That really makes anything else in the entertainment budget unnecessary.

The hardest part is food. You must have food, but there are a few simple rules to save money on food during lockdown mode.

1. Clear the cupboards.
Try to finish what you have before you buy anything new. You're going to find things in your cupboards and freezer that you've had for a long time and have never actually wanted to eat. Suck it up and eat it. When you see that the basic foodstuff is really no longer in your kitchen, then you can buy new food.

2. Think subsistence.
Not everything you eat can be the cheapest stuff possible. However, a lot of it can be. Shop at a store that includes each item's cost per ounce. Items that are the cheapest possible sustenance foods include french fries (the cheapest brands), bread, pancake mix (so cheap), and canned vegetables. You also want to eat some healthy stuff, so you may need fresh produce. But again, think cheap--canned vegetables are very, very cheap, and frozen fruit can often be found on sale (and it makes great smoothies, which make you feel like you're living a life of heightened decadence even when you're not). There are a lot of basic items that you can get very, very cheap. You can even make, big, diverse meals on the cheap--for example, you could have a big spaghetti meal for a family (pasta, marinara, vegetables, garlic bread) for under five dollars.

3. Never eat out.
It's completely unnecessary to eat out--most food you order at a restaurant you could buy at a grocery store and/or prepare yourself, albeit usually with lesser quality (though not always). During lockdown mode you completely do away with the luxury of eating out. You can still eat a lot of really good food, you just have to put a little more effort into it.

4. Thirsty? Drink water.
Sometimes you want flavored beverages. OK, fine. But to satisfy your thirst throughout the day, drink water. It comes cheaply from your tap. Not everything you drink must be something flavored, which usually costs you money.

These are my basic rules for lockdown--following these rules, one can spend a surprisingly small amount of money on food.

The Triumphant Return of this Lousy Blog

The Magic Bullet
When you saw that this blog hadn't been updated in over a month, you probably thought more flaky bloggers once again quit blogging without ever really saying so.

Not so. We've just been too busy magic bulleting things.

If the Magic Bullet was nothing but a glorified Smoothie maker, it would still be worth it. You can make smoothies quickly, with few pieces and with little cleanup. But it does so much more than that.

I assume that most infomercials are utter tripe. But the Magic Bullet infomercial you've seen a dozen times? If it leads you to having a Magic Bullet, it was worth your time.

Pancakes are so cheap I'm a little bit tingly about it.
I'm a connoisseur of what I'll call "sustenance foods." What is "sustenance food"? If your top priority in life was to spend the least possible amount of money, all you would eat are sustenance foods. This is why in graduate school I ate a whole lot of french fries: you can get them extraordinarily cheap.

We'll I've found the sustenance food to end all sustenance food: pancakes. You can get a box of pancake mix for under two dollars. A very small portion of this pancake powder, mixed with water, makes enough pancakes to fill you up.

And honestly, pancakes are pretty good! So if you're extraordinarily cheap, and all you want out of your meal is cheapness, get a box of pancake powder, get a griddle (a worthwhile item), and spend your days and nights making and eating pancakes.

Beyond Shinders
I was devastated when Twin Cities staple Shinders closed. Well, there's something else now: "Beyond Shinders." I talk about it at my sports blog.

Cheapskate Vacation
This summer Cruelty-Free Mommy and I plan on taking the Baby Viking on some sort of driving vacation in Minnesota. We want to look at all the tacky (and free) big statues and oddities: Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox, the Runestone monument, those sorts of things. That's amusing, right? That's the sort of weird stuff little kids like to look at, right?

We'll try to do better next time.
I don't want this to be a flaky blog. But I don't know what I want it to be: I'm not quite sure I want it to be a good blog, either. But it's back. The timing was all bad and we took over a month off. Hopefully that won't happen again.