At the Mall

Salesman that tries to stop you when you're walking to sell you stuff: "Excuse me, sir, can I ask you a question?"

Pacifist Viking: "Looks like you just did."

ALF

Today I tried to make a pertinent reference to ALF. There's an episode when ALF becomes a famous and popular comedian, making all the rounds with his amazing wit. But after about a year of being famous, ALF is at some sort of show and he starts telling...the same jokes he's been telling for the previous year. Now nobody laughs--they just look at him.

Now, I don't know how he was wildly popular telling the same jokes over and over again, and then just suddenly everybody stopped finding it funny. But it's also a show about a puppet alien that eats cats and hides from nosy neighbor's like Jerry Seinfeld's mom, so whatever.

Anyway, today Cruelty-Free Mommy tried to show me a trick she did to our son: earlier, she said, he laughed like crazy at the trick, but now he just laid there and smiled. Here is the ensuing conversation:

PV: This is like that episode of "ALF" when--

C-FM: (quickly, purposely interrupting): I never saw "ALF"!

Cruelty-Free Mommy actively did not want to hear my reference to the moral tale of "ALF." She blurted out an interruption as quickly as possible to prevent my finishing the analogy.

One of the few pleasures we here at WHMFASS have is making completely obscure references to TV that nobody could possible get. Another of the few pleasures we here at WHMFASS get is preventing people from making completely obscure references to TV that nobody could possibly get.

Stop the Inanity! Bob Sansevere on KSTP

Bob Sansevere, who usually spends his time being a lousy sports writer, does commentary on KSTP news. You can read and see his latest commentary on crime in the Twin Cities here. What sort of insights does Sansevere bring us? What incisive commentary might Sansevere be able to provide?

It's simple: more needs to be done to stop crime!

What needs to be done? Sansevere doesn't say. How can we do it? Sansevere doesn't say. All he really tells us is that

"What you need - what we all need - is a commitment by politicians and community leaders to find ways and to make laws that reduce crime."

Hmm. Intriguing ideas. We need to find ways to reduce crime. We need "a commitment by politicians and community leaders" to to so. We need "laws."

What should these laws be? What are these ways?

Don't ask Bob Sansevere: he's just here to give us empty rants about crime.

Evidently, something is being done: Sansevere points out that crime has been reduced by 15 percent in Hennepin county and 12 percent in Minneapolis. Still, Sansevere has to go on a cliched rant because "there's still way too many crimes being committed" and "There are plenty more examples of crimes and criminal behavior just this month alone." When will something be done? Something must be done soon! Why won't our politicians and community leaders make the commitment? Why won't we make laws to reduce crime?

You could pretty much take this commentary, revise the details, and put it on any local news broadcast in any market in the last 30 years, and it would pretty much work. There's nothing insightful, instructive, or useful in this rant. CRIME IS BAD! WE HAVE TO STOP CRIME! Good, good. I hope, though, that the next time KSTP decides to put somebody on TV to do a commentary about crime, that person might have, you know, AN INTELLIGENT, CONCRETE PROPOSAL TO TRY DEAL WITH CRIME AS OPPOSED TO A HOLLOW SCREED ABOUT HOW CRIME IS BAD AND WE HAVE TO DO MORE TO REDUCE IT.

Bob Sansevere offers us nothing. Which, you know, makes him pretty much perfect for local broadcast news.

No mixed feelings: music on public radio makes me bored

I listen to public radio in the car because I find most music boring and I'd rather listen to people talk. I can listen to sports radio hosts blather and bluster, I can choose partisan political ranting, or I can listen to intelligent people explore various interesting and pertinent issues. I usually choose public radio.

There are many, many, many options for music across the radio dial; if people are interested in music, I mean, it's right there.

So when NPR or MPR does a feature on music, I think, "Why?" I've clearly chosen 91.1 because I'm not interested in listening to or thinking about music. I want discussion on socially relevant issues, politics, world events, science, and the minutiae of contemporary life. If I wanted to listen to music, I could do so without much difficulty.

Public radio is what people listen to when they want to get away from pointless music, so why does public radio insist on including pointless music within its programming?

Here's what it's like. Let's say there's a mall, and in this mall are dozens and dozens of coffee shops. There are all different kinds of coffee shops for anybody who wants coffee. And let's say there's just one tea shop in the entire mall. It's not as busy as some of the coffee shops, but people who don't want coffee but have to spend time in the mall, or people who really like tea, or people who just want a little variety, can always go there. Now let's say every so often, perhaps once a month, perhaps every day for one hour, this one tea shop didn't serve tea. Let's say periodically, this tea shop served coffee, and if people came in to order tea, they were turned down and offered coffee instead. In a mall filled with coffee shops, the one tea shop decides occasionally to only serve coffee. That's what it's like when NPR or MPR do music features.

It's degenerate shopper week

If you're standing in line at 6:00 a.m. to get into a store to get good deals, you are a degenerate shopper. As a blog devoted (partly) to frugality, we support degenerate shoppers that would get up to shop the Friday after Thanksgiving just to get spectacular deals. Indeed, two of our contributors (Cruelty-Free Mommy and Partly Cloudy and Pleasant) will be joining my grandmother and the original degenerate shopper, my mother, on Friday morning, standing in the cold and bustling through crowds for the sake of cheapness.

And while I, Pacifist Viking, am the most widely renowned cheapskate on the block, I will be happily sleeping while these festivities occur (well, perhaps I shouldn't assume happy sleeping. What about nightmares? It could be decidedly unhappy sleeping). Is that a threat to my cheapness cred? Perhaps. Buying season tickets for the Vikings probably already destroyed whatever frugality credibility I had, though (in my defense, they are really, really cheap tickets).

So I salute you, Mom, Grandma, Cruelty-Free Mommy, Partly Cloudy and Pleasant, and all the other degenerates that will be getting up in the dark Friday morning. Buy yourselves some iced lattes. You're getting up before dawn for the sake of cheapness: you've earned that expensive cold coffee.

Cheapskate Nightmare: Ruining Pants

I have, really, four pairs of pants I can wear to work. Two others can work, but I hate them for various reasons.

So four pairs of pants. That's all I really need.

But last Friday I got sick all over one pair, and couldn't stomach keeping them. Down to three pairs. Then yesterday I ripped another pair against a small nail sticking out of a couch. Now we're down to two good pairs of pants.

What's a cheapskate to do? Buy new pants?

No, screw that. Since I only work three days a week, I can double up one pair for the week easily. Sure, Kohl's always has cheap pants, but who wants to spend money on pants? As great philosopher Homer Simpson said, "Don't you hate pants?" I hate pants. And I'm not buying more.

This is part of the cheapskate's code: don't buy pants.

Minnesota Sports

If any of you rubes who frequent this blog follow Minnesota sports, you may wish to check out my sports blog, Sports Toothache. There we write about sports in general, with a great deal of our focus on the Minnesota Vikings. It's the blog I actually work hard at.

My Greatest Athletic Accomplishment

I used to have a bad habit, and a particularly bad habit for a frugal person. I used to love playing the crane game. Anytime I was near a crane game, if I had a dollar, I was playing it. I was actually pretty good at it, but eventually I realized I was in the process of winning a bunch of stuffed animals that I didn't want at all. I would spend fifty cents winning a prize that I wouldn't pay fifty cents for if I saw it in a store. That's senseless.

But the crane game is also where I had my greatest athletic achievement. I once put a dollar in for two drops of the crane...

And won three animals.

I won three stuffed animals on two drops of the crane.

Think about that. Do you think anybody in the world has ever topped that? With that loose crane, it's difficult enough to go two for two on a dollar. But I got one animal on one of my tries, and two animals on the other try.

That's why, years later, I still remember that. And that's also why I'm a pathetic loser, since that is, indeed, my greatest athletic accomplishment.

But seriously, three animals on two tries? That's unheard of. I'm not sure I've ever seen anybody get two animals on two tries, or three animals on three tries, but I did three in two.

Popsicles!

Popsicles are the best. Sugared ice, on a stick, for a few cents. That's a nice frugal snack, and they're pretty low calorie too. It feels good eating them, summer or winter. We here at WHMFASS enthusiastically endorse the eating of popsicles.

(Welcome to the latest effort to turn this blog into outright irrelevance).

Replacing _ucking Perkins

We're still outraged over Perkins' decision to eliminate the bread bowls from the salad, leaving them just salads (somehow, the fact that they left the prices the same doesn't surprise us and doesn't bother us, since we're not going there anymore anyway--as vegetarians, we're not paying $8+ for iceberg lettuce, cheese, and dressing). We're even considering getting a piece of paper, an envelope, and a stamp, and sending them a real letter.

But _ucking Perkins is now dead to us, and this is the last time we visit the cemetery. As George Costanza attempting to set up a date with Marissa Tomei for after Susan's funeral, we must move on.

And for now, we move on with Quiznos.

Quiznos has a veggie sandwich, and if you order a regular sized veggie sandwish, you can also get a cup of broccoli cheese soup and a pop for like eight dollars. Now, of course we're a site devoted to frugality, and eight bucks may be a bit much for a sandwich, soup, and pop. But it's really, really good. And since the thing I'll miss most about that restaurant which shall not be named is the Honey Mustard dressing, I appreciate that Quiznos provides dressing--including Honey Mustard--that you can dip the sandwich in.

Deals?

This months Minneapolis St. Paul Magazine cover story is "Great Stuff Cheap". I am always a bargain hunter so I picked it up. Well after spending $4 for the magazine, I was disappointed to realize that this magazine's idea of a bargain is not the same as mine...
For example in the food section it portrayed a $12 hamburger.
It was still fun to look at all of the stuff I am not going to buy, I guess...

My costume

At a Halloweenish party on Friday, I want to go as Rocky from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He's the fellow in the gold underwear here, here, here, here, and here. Cruelty-Free Mommy suggests that I don't do such a thing. So I won't. But now what should I go as?

Don't buy Halloween candy early.

You'll just have to go back and buy more candy. Plus you'll get fat.

For when you buy candy for trick or treaters, who can resist the siren song of Halloween candy sitting around the house waiting for Halloween?

After spending life taking candy from everywhere, once you reach adulthood you have the chance to give candy back to society. But all that candy sitting around still demands to be eaten.

"Fruit's a gamble" --Jerry Seinfeld

A couple weeks ago I had a magnificent cantaloupe: juicy, flavorful, sweet. Today I had a mediocre cantaloupe: dry and bland.

It doesn't seem fair. Eating fruit is a healthy way to live. Perhaps the healthy way to live. But when you cut into a melon, it might be delicious, and it might be uninspiring. But you still spent the money on it.

_uck _ou Perkins

Perkins bread bowl salads were awesome. You get a giant salad, and when you're done, you get a whole bunch of bread. As the price of a bread bowl salad steadily climbed, I still loved them. I welcomed the switch to the new bread bowl--it was really good.

When I became a vegetarian, it became increasingly obvious that any salad I would order at a restaurant I could just as easily make at home for much cheaper. Still, I was lured to the Perkins bread bowl salad. It was a giant filling salad with an excellent bread bowl, and for a vegetarian, it was one of the best restaurant meals you can get.

But today I went to Perkins to find a new menu. The new menu revealed that Perkins had the same salad options, but they were no longer bread bowls. Now Perkins just had salads.

Who do you think you are, Perkins? Do you really think you're the sort of restaurant that can have a $9 salad? Because you're not. Without the bread bowl, I don't need you, and I'm not going to pay for your overpriced salad. Sometimes the waiter will lower the price when I get a salad without the meat, but sometimes not. But do you really think I'm going to come to your restaurant to pay anywhere near $9 for a salad of vegetables and cheese, when I could create such a salad in my home for, what, under $3?

Nope, Perkins, I'm done. I'm not coming back until you bring back the bread bowl salad. You've slowly raised the price to the point your restaurant is no longer even a good deal, and now you've just wiped out a massively good option for vegetarians. And I'm not going to be checking around to see if you bring the bread bowl back. No, you go ahead and tell me. I don't care. Baker's Square has a better apple pie anyway.

_uck _ou, Perkins. You suck.

It's Not Easy Being Sven

I recently talked to my friend, Chris, who told me about his experience running in the marathon a couple weeks ago. Half joking, I asked him if he saw Sven. He did.

Chris told me he knew he was coming up behind Sven when he began to hear incessant comments from bystanders along the lines of "Hey Sven! Did you order this weather?" and "Nice weather, huh Sven?" and "Sven! How about this weather?" Chris explained that he finally passed Sven, but for a brief time, he knew exactly how difficult it must be to be Sven Sundgaard.

So Sven, this post is dedicated to you. Like Nick Cage in Weatherman, you deal with all of us rubes on a daily basis. We act as though we know you, as though you are personally responsible for the weather around you, and as though the only thing you might want to engage in a conversation about is how warm or cold it is. I suggest investing in a crossbow.

Really, Kohl's?

One way I live a frugal life is by rarely purchasing clothes. Sure, clothing is a human need, but new clothing is usually just a human want; you really don't have to buy new clothes that often. I accept hand-me-downs from family, I build up new wardrobes based on Christmas gifts, and most importantly, I make the clothes I have last. Mostly, clothing is an unnecessary expense, and I judge all of you people for buying new clothes all the time.

One of my weaknesses is the Kohl's clearance rack, with nice clothes up to 90% off. I recently bought a $200 suit jacket marked down to $20--even a frugal tightwad like me couldn't resist that.

On that trip to Kohl's that resulted in the legendary $20 suit jacket (you should see me in this thing; if I saw myself in this jacket, I'd throw my panties at myself), I heard this message over the speaker:

"If you like shopping at Kohl's, you'll love working here."

There's no logic whatsoever to that statement. Just because I like shopping at Kohl's does not mean in any way that I would love to work there. I suspect it would mostly be really, really boring. There's no connection between liking shopping at a very cheap story and loving working there. I'm fairly certain I would hate working at Kohl's. I mean, why is it inherent that I'd love working at a place I like to shop? I like watching pro football, but I'm pretty sure if I were on the field playing I'd end up in a hospital after one or two plays. I like Subway, but the two months I spent working at Subway still provide me with horrifying stories (the people who worked the shift before me often ran out of bread. That's right, I worked at a Subway that ran out of bread. So I would sit there while the bread was baking, and though it was no fault of my own, had to tell people I couldn't make them a sandwich because there was no bread. And then I was usually there until after 2:00 in the morning washing dishes. Believe it or not, there are a lot of dishes to wash if you work at Subway. As a closer, that usually fell to me, and mostly, none of the daytime workers ever bothered to wash any dishes. So that was my life for a few months: washing an entire day's worth of Subway dishes until the wee hours of the morning and telling angry customers we were out of bread. And seriously, I've got a major problem with parentheses. This is just ridiculous).

Anyway, cheap clothes at Kohl's = good. Message telling me I'd love to work at Kohl's = completely ridiculous.

"When you see news happen"

KSTP has this brief promo where an announcer says something to the effect of "When you see news happen, call the KSTP tip line at ###-#####."

As I see it, there are two ways to approach this request:

1. It's your interpretation of whether what you are seeing happen is news; it's up to you to decide if you are seeing news happen. So let KSTP know. "Hello, I'm seeing news happen. My cat is taking a nap on a pair of slacks I left sitting out on top of the laundry basket. Now they're going to be all hairy." Or "Hi, I'm seeing news happen. a car just drove by in front of my house." I mean, who's to say this isn't news? It's news to me.

or better yet:

2. You're watching the KSTP news on TV; technically, aren't you watching the news happen?
"Hi, I'm seeing news happen."
"Yes, sir, what exactly do you have to report?"
"I'm watching your program right now. I'm watching the news happen."
"OK, sir, and do you have any news?"
"No, you have the news. I'm just watching it happen. I thought I should let you know, since you told me to call this number when I see news happen."
"Thanks for watching sir." Click.

KSTP has a contact page which includes the following:

"To submit a story idea to one of the 5 EYEWITNESS NEWS Programs, please write a brief detailed description that includes the following: date, time, location, contact name, phone number, and address."

Can you imagine the story ideas they've received? Wouldn't it be a fun job to have access to the emails they get, and you're supposed to peruse the story ideas for worthwhile stories? I'm guessing one out of five hundred submissions is a worthwhile story idea. I can only imagine the wacko stuff they must get. That's got to be fun. They get story ideas from people seeing news happen.

WHMFASS making the world a better place: peaceful driving

When driving, it's very easy to blow up in anger at other drivers. There's a personal disconnect, allowing you to express angry words and gestures that you wouldn't could you look the driver in the face, or could the person respond (it's easier to yell at somebody who can't really hear you).

But what good does getting angry when you're driving serve? Nothing. You can yell and rant and know deep in your heart why that other driver's (probably innocent) mistake was an outrage and affront to all you hold holy. You can express anger and take negative energy with you over an event that probably affected you for a few seconds.

Or you can let it go.

When I drive, if another driver annoys me somehow, I may instinctively flare up, but I suppress it and force calm on myself. Sometimes I say "Peace" out loud. Sometimes I give a peace sign to the other driver. But I try not to swear and yell. Sometimes I still do, but I work really hard at restraining myself. No good comes from expressing indignant anger at somebody for making what was likely an inadvertent mistake.

Today I misjudged something and required a truck to slow down for a few seconds. It probably set the driver back in his day four seconds, and in his mind, I may have required him to slow down quickly in a way that was unsafe and risked accident. I don't know, but it was an honest mistake, and no damage was done.

The driver proceeded to gesticulate angrily, making angry hand gestures and shouting something (I obviously couldn't hear him). He spent more time yelling and raving than he spent being slowed down by my misjudgment. While he was looking back and gesturing and yelling something, he wasn't focused on the road and potentially created another unsafe situation.

What good did it do? As it happened, I noticed, but many drivers wouldn't. I already knew I had made a mistake (though it was minor, and was honest). The situation had passed. But here was an angry driver, yelling and ranting and gesticulating. For nothing.

So don't get angry when you drive. People will make mistakes. Many drivers immediately recognize the mistakes they made (I've made and seen many apologetic gestures). Most of the time, these mistakes don't risk an accident and are merely small, minor annoyances. There's no reason to allow anger to fill your heart. Calm yourself. Be peaceful. Smile. Recognize how insignificant the situation really was. Yep, sometimes a person's mistake can cause or come near to an accident. Those situations can lead to righteous indignation--you can be upset or frustrated. But there's no reason to let the negative energy of anger overtake you. Spread peace and tranquility.

Dear Dictionary,

The word edge has a D in it. So should legend. Or, ledgend, if you will.

They run marathons, don't they?

On a humid day when existing made me cranky, some people were out running a marathon in the Twin Cities. One of those people was Sven Sundgaard. You can read about it (and see shirtless pictures, if you're so inclined. No, the pictures aren't shirtless, Sven in the pictures is. Well, I suppose the pictures are also shirtless, but pictures never wear shirts. I shouldn't say never: I suppose at some point in history a picture wore a shirt) on his blog here and here.

New TV Review

Let's quickly summarize our experience with the new TV shows we were excited to watch this year.

Journeyman
Good show. People say it's just like Quantum Leap as if that's a bad thing.

Dirty Sexy Money
Good show. It's dirty, it's sexy, and there's money.

Cavemen
Good show. It's funny in an internally pleasurable way, not a laugh out loud way.

Back to You
Bad show. It's boring, it's unoriginal, and it's unfunny.

What new shows have you either taken pleasure in or taken boredom in?

Dirty Sexy Money

Dirty Sexy Money is another conception of Arrested Development.

Journeyman

I recommend Journeyman.

Back To You

The new Fox Show "Back To You," which is about local news, is OK. It's a lot of sexual innuendo and double entendres--so it's a sitcom. The woman who reads the weather isn't really a meteorologist and spends much of the time flaunting her sexuality, so...

Right now "'Til Death" is on and it's funnier, if that means anything. Actually, this show is pretty funny anyway. I really like this show. It makes me laugh. So there's that.

TV and Food

Sitcoms
It astounds me how many truly awful, awful sitcoms are in syndication much of the day. I can't believe America has reached a point in which Two and a Half Men is syndicated. Oh wait. I do believe it. It just makes me appalled. People like this show. People watch this show. There is no hope.

But Two and a Half Men is only the unfunniest of the awful sitcoms. Flip the channels, and you'll see According to Jim or King of Queens. I recently got visibly angry at Everybody Loves Raymond: I just couldn't fathom that after Robert was caught smoking, some writer, somewhere, thought it was not only funny, but funny enough to put on TV, and funny enough to get a laugh out of the studio audience, if Raymond called him Puff the Magic Dragon.

Good sitcoms like Seinfeld, Arrested Development, The Office, The Simpsons, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and much of the stuff Britain gives us have raised my expectations. I can't stand all the inane schlub that's on TV. After flipping around and seeing things like Malcolm in the Middle and That 70s Show on TV, even a show like Friends can get out loud laughter out of me (occasionally. very occasionally).

But some syndicated sitcoms don't achieve the level of art as Seinfeld does, but remain watchable. Frazier. Scrubs. But most of what we see is atrociously unfunny, uninspired, unoriginal, uncreative, and ungood.

(note: I'm a TV snob, strong on my own tastes, and I don't mean to offend you if you like some of these shows. Except Two and a Half Men. That show is just bad).

Sorry, 10:00 Local News
Yep, this blog is devoted in part to local TV news. But now The Simpsons is on at 10:00. I've been waiting for The Simpsons to be back on after 10:00 for a long time. That's the time I want to unwind with the show. It doesn't work to put a DVD in: that feels like doing something. It's nice to unwind with the show just on TV.

Cotton Candy Blizzard
Today I experienced it. Once it touched my tongue, I marvelled that God had placed me in a time and a place where such sensual pleasures are possible.

New TV shows we're excited about

It's fall and that means there are new TV shows. For me, that means that I'll get excited about a few particular shows that will get canceled within a month, and I'll miss out on the beginning of a hit show and not want to catch on late. So here are the shows doomed to failure because I'm interested in watching them.

Journeyman (NBC)
This is the one I'm most excited about. It's some sort of sci-fi, time travel show. It is starring Lucius Vorenus from Rome. In the commercials he's talking to Detective Kellerman from Homicide. Any one of these facts would get me to watch. It starts September 24th, and NBC is putting it on after Heroes, which encourages me that people might actually watch it. Cruelty-Free Mommy watches Heroes. And she loves Lucius Vorenus.

Dirty Sexy Money (ABC)
There is one reason I'm going to check this show out: Nathan Fisher from Six Feet Under is the star. It starts on September 26th.

Cavemen (ABC)
Why am I watching this? Because it can do nothing but fail. I like the commercials. I really do. They make me laugh out loud. And the sitcom is probably going to be horrible. The first and possibly last episode will be on October 2nd.

Back to You (FOX)
If you haven't noticed, we write a blog that is about local TV news. Here is a TV show about local TV news. We'll watch, even if it features stars from sitcoms I didn't really care for. It starts next Wednesday.

Sven's interactions

It's obvious from watching Kare 11 at the fair that a lot of people love Sven Sundgaard. And then some of these people google to learn about Sven, and some of them end up at this lousy blog that is rather rarely about Sven. Sorry, jackasses. We've got mixed feelings. He tells us the weather.

Here's one reason we don't like Sven Sundgaard: his interactions with rubes at the fair are horrible. He usually gets out of them their names and where they are from...and that's it. Nothing else. "What's your name?" "Rube." "Rube, where are you from?" "Rubetown." "That's great." And then Sven might say something about where the rube is from, but he's on to the next rube. "And who are you, where you from?" "I'm Ruby, from Rubeville." "Great, great, good to see you out at the fair."

That's pretty much it. Now, I know he's talking to rubes, and most of them aren't going to have anything useful to contribute anyway (not that they might not be interesting people with intelligent things to say, but they're not going to contribute much in the few seconds Kare 11 sticks a microphone in front of their faces at the fair). The fault is with whatever producers think a good use of news time is having a weatherman go around finding out names and hometowns of random people in the audience. But though Sven has improved at finding folksy things to say, he's generally ready to quickly move on to the next rube once he's got the name and location.

Why do they do this? How can this matter? How can anybody possibly think this is interesting? Even the people who know these rubes stating their names and hometowns aren't interested. All of these people could easily play P.O.W.s in a movie, just reciting their names and dog tag numbers and nothing else. But the news producers are pretty stupid for deciding to have the weatherman go around getting people to state their names and hometowns and nothing else, and Sven is rather bad at it.

Live Blogging KSTP's 5:00 Fair Broadcast

Let's go, let's go! We've already checked out Kare 11 and WCCO at the fair. Now we got to Channel 5.

4:59: Waterlogged fair? Alberto Gonzales? Casino scams? Sounds like a real news day.

But now John and Leah are there getting cheers from the crowd.

And we start with flooding at the fair. Generally, we don't count fair stories as real stories. But flooding at the fair counts. Real news 1.

5:00 Cruelty-Free Mommy says Leah McLean looks like Veronica Corningstone. Other jokes ensue.

5:01: Weather already. Possible severe thunderstorms? Sadly, we count this as real news. Real news 2.

Why do they make Chikage Windler sit in the stands with the crowd to give the weather? And look at that red haired fellow next to her.

5:02: Alberto Gonzales resigns--real news 3. We've been seeing that the networks like to get the real news out of the way in the first five minutes so they can get to fair fluff.

5:04: I always try to avoid listening to George W. Bush talk; it just makes me angry. But for you, gentle reader, I listened, because I'm live-blogging this. You're welcome.

5:05: This is a long story, and they're also giving us the Minnesota connection. I'm tempted to give this story two Real news points. But I won't.

5:05: Update on the collapsed bridge--real news 4.

Helping victims of flooding--real news 5.

Michael Vick pleads guilty--real news 6.

Missing woman--real news 7. Wow. I'm very impressed with KSTP for getting us to 7.

Little league baseball...no, I won't recognize that as real news. Sorry. Rat bastards.

5:07 Obligatory shot of people at the fair clapping, cheering, hollering, waving.

But gosh, KSTP is treating this like a real news broadcast! Other than the transitions (rubes, fair questions, pointless music, a greeting to the troops), they're really giving us real news. For these fair broadcasts, 5 real news stories is the benchmark, and KSTP already has us to 7. If you actually want news, this is the one to watch. And if you want to look at Leah McLean (who, yes, reminds me of Veronica Corningstone), this is the one to watch, too.

COMMERCIAL: No, lady, I'm not like you. I cannot magically split my one self into two tangible, physical selves.

Another pro-war commercial. It's possible, you know, if we don't pull out now, your sacrifice will still be in vain, and more people will sacrifice in vain. And I don't know who "they" is when you say "they" attacked us. It wasn't Iraq. Cruelty-Free Mommy just said "It's like living in an Orwell novel."

This ends our political commentary, thrust upon us by a commercial. C'est la vie.

5:12 Tornado: real news 8

Iraq: real news 9

Gas prices: real news 10 (sort of. I guess. Instead of gas prices, they should share locations for sales on pop. That's relevant too!).

5:13 Fair mascot. "Healthy treats."

5:14: Some guy, just one fellow, has a conflict with a casino. Is this news? I mean, it sounds like he had a hassle--he had a mistaken credit card charge. And Eye Witness news solves the problem for him. No, this isn't news. Crap like this happens all the time. This was a fluff story, and a self-indulgent story.

5:15: Fair food. Pronto pups. Do the local news networks charge the State Fair for these 30 minute commercials?

5:16: A feature on how Pronto pups are made. Seriously, KSTP should charge the fair for product placement. It's all one massive circle jerk.

Pronto Pup v. Corn dog? Go vegetarian! Just kidding. But do it.

5:18 Leah and Chikage are asking some kids (holding toys and food) if they're having fun at the fair. The girl says "Yes." This is news.

Weather....weather...I'm glazing over...lots of rain...OK....weather....I don't really care...does Chikage Windler know Sven Sundgaard? Does she resent him? Probably. Chikage has decent looking maternity clothes. Why did I notice this? I don't know...weather...maps...Did you see that South Carolina contestant talking about a lack of maps in the U.S.? Some people don't have maps, she said... weather...weather...whether...ha, just kidding, weather...weather...now she's going to pass it back to John and Leah.

5:21 The mascot forces people to cheer as we go to commercial. He's holding one kid by the throat. "Cheer, you little bastard! Cheer!" OK, I'm kidding. They don't have to use force: of course the rubes will cheer whenever a dude in a gopher costume tells them to cheer in the general direction of a camera.

COMMERCIAL: Cotton Candy Blizzard at Dairy Queen? I'd shill for that. Does this count? If I go to Dairy Queen and say, "Hey, I shilled for this on my blog. Do I get a free one," they might give me one? I doubt it. For the record, Dairy Queen has not paid me to shill the Cotton Candy Blizzard. I haven't tried it yet.

5:25: The mascots are related.

5:26: MORE WEATHER? We've had THREE weather notices tonight. One early, a quick mention now (as the mascots annoyingly prance about), and the big middle weather. They should just call this show "Weather."

Alright, we're done. But seriously, 10 real news items! That's pretty good. Was it just a big news day? Alberto Gonzales resigns, serious weather--maybe I caught them on a heavy news day. Or maybe KSTP cares more about real news than it cares about fluff.

There was just a commercial on about energy legislation paid for by some sort of petroleum institute. Thanks, guys. I'll certainly consider your advice.

done.

UPDATE: I've just been informed on the TV that Chikage Windler's wardrobe is provided by somebody obviously getting some promotional consideration ("Hot Mamma," I think, but I could have misheard it).

Liveblogging 6:00's WCCO at the State Fair

5:59 We're looking for real news stories here. The guy at the fair is playing to the crowd about how something is special this year there. And every band loves the city it is playing in.

Story about some sort of criminal running around with a gun: real news 1

6:00 We're going top to bottom today: since nobody is reading right now, it will be easier if you want to read it later.

Terri is in studio. Or is it Teri? I don't even know if her name starts with T.

6:02 Governor proposing a new law: real news 2

Classes starting after flood, FEMA: real news 3

Rail service between Twin Cities and Chicago: real news 4

A bridge re-opening: real news 5

WCCO, you've already tied Kare 11 at 5:00 from yesterday!

6:04 Little leaguers spitting on their hands before shaking hands? No, not real news.

6:04 Senator in Greenland: real news 6

Holy crap: WCCO gave us 6 real news bits.

6:05 But we're five minutes in and now we're at the fair talking about 4H: I think real news is done.

6:05 WCCO doing a story about itself and its human powered newscast is not real news. That's like an MTV special about the history of MTV. It's just self-indulgent tripe.

6:07 Coming after the commercial: weather, fair food, fair garbabe. Yep, we got our fill of real news: now it's fair filler.

COMMERCIAL: It's not on now, but you know that commercial about how they're cracking down on drunk driving, and the guys' cars are full of booze? The guy with beer in his car is unshaven with a hat. The guy with martini in his car has a button up shirt. The guy with wine in his car has a nice car. Makes you think.

COMMERCIAL 2: I need to learn the names of these WCCO anchors if I'm going to live blog. Look at the blog title and guess what we usually watch. But now WCCO gives us 6 pits of news between 5:59 and 6:05; I'm starting to think it's real news. Luckily, they another 22 minutes or so to waste my time with commercials and stupid fair features, so I can remember that local TV news is still pointless.

6:10 We're back. A story about spicy food at the fair. Super hot jerky.

6:11 Fried fruit on a stick. Man, I hate my life. But I'll remember to have grapes with supper. And a big dip from the gallon jug of wine. That's what I need after watching this anchor eat fried fruit on a stick and tell me what it tastes like.

6:12 Some rubes eating corn on the cob.

6:13 Story about trash and recycling at the fair: do we count that as real news? No. Stories about the fair are still pointless. Well, this story does feature a lot on composting and background and interesting facts. Let's give it a half point. 6.5 real news stories.

6:14 WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE AND WHY ARE THEY TALKING TO ME?

6:15 Weather. Dull. Why are we getting all this? I don't count weather as a real news story. If they gave us the weather in 30 seconds, I would. But they stretch it out for pointless filler.

More forecast on a stick. Good.

More weather. It's still going on. And what this chuck is saying really doesn't matter.

6:17 Weather. I'm really not on my A game right now: I've got nothing funny to say about anything. I'm weary of watching TV weather. It CAN be necessary to get the weather report--what's tomorrow like, what sort of forecast do we have for the week. But the amount of info they give us on TV weather really doesn't matter. But people want to see it. So they stretch it out and make it folksy and friendly. A normal, calm weather day just doesn't require much time on TV, but they give it to us anyway.

COMMERCIAL: Yesterday at 5:00 on Kare 11 there was an anti-war ad; today on WCCO there's a ridiculous--RIDICULOUS--pro-war ad. Specious logic and scare tactics. By the way, I'm a pacifist.

Back in studio with sports. I'm a sports fan, so I'd like to count this as real news. A preview of the Viking pre-season game. I really don't like pre-season, but I'll probably try finish off the beer people left here last weekend and watch some of it. Only two more weeks until the real season starts. I love the Vikings.

Baseball...I'm just hearing white noise, now.

Little league? Who cares about these little rat bastards?

Golf? Alright. Corey Brewer! New T-wolf. That's cool.

You tell me, do I count sports stories on the "real news" tally? I think I won't.

Team USA. There are more sports news bits than there have been real news bits.

What's on WCCO tonight, and what's on the news tonight and tomorrow. Not real news.

Back to the fair. "John" is whooping it up. Now he's shatting it up with a girl in a crown. Now he's asking random pointless questions of rubes in the audience. Getting cheers.

IT'S OVER

6.5 real news bits, + the weather, + about 6 sports stories/features. WCCO is actually making it worth our while to be here.

Enjoy your Saturday night, rubes.

Liveblogging 5:00's "Kare at the Fair"

The live blog is over. If you've coming here after it's finished, you can go to the bottom and work your way up. Hope you have fun.

5:30 It's over. 5 bits of real news. And the news stories, interactions, and entertainment from the fair was itself low quality and boring. These producers have to know something: IF YOU INTERVIEW RANDOM RUBES AT THE FAIR, YOU ARE GOING TO GET INARTICULATE, SHORT, AND BORING RESPONSES.

5:29: Spam food at the fair. Mike and Diane trying to entertain people by talking about spam.

COMMERCIAL: We've had five news bits. If I'm being an English teacher, it should be written as "five." But in blog form, to make things clear, I like to write "5." By the way, some Fed Ex guy just opened our door without knocking and left a package. We've got a child that my wife is often breast feeding. Fed Ex guys: DON'T JUST WALK INTO MY DAMN HOUSE!

5:25 Kids are talking at the camera. They are staring into my soul. Who are these people? Why are we being shown these people recording messages into the screen? What are these people talking about?

5:25 Kare Cam. "Chuck." "No." "Yeah."

5:24 We come back to clapping people, walking people, Mike and Diane talking about i-phones. A kid that can hack into the i-phone. Real news. That's 5.

COMMERCIAL: Mike asked if anybody blogs during the very moment I was live-blogging him, but contrary to my expectations, the universe did not collapse in on itself.

For the record, we've had 4 real news bits during the show so far. A lot of rubes smiling and waving. If you get tired of hearing people at the fair referred to as "rubes," you ought to read another blog.

5:21 MIKE IS IN MY HEAD! "How many of you blog?" he asks. ME! ME! Right now, Mike, I'M BLOGGING YOU!

5:20 Pat insists that people smile and wave. Do you like being told to smile and wave? These rubes do.

5:19 "Partly Cloudy and Pleasant," Pat Evans says you're coming tonight!

Listen to Pat say "Goo Goo Dolls" sneeringly.

5:18 When I hear "Weather on a stick," a little piece of my dies inside.

5:17 Man rube gives one word answer. Woman rube gives what appears to be a one word answer--might have been too.

Woman rube has a few words in her answer. Pat Evens instead of Sven. Now Pat takes the Mike away. Now woman rube is talking way too much. Boy rube tells what he ate. Boring. Pat is sort of charming.

5:16 promo for the Goo Goo Dolls. Apparently Mike used to listen to punk. I can't picture it. And now Mike and Diane are sitting in the crowd. Man, I'd hate to go into broadcasting, then be told I have to sit in the stand at the fair and talk to nobodies.

COMMERCIAL: anti-war, anti-Bush, anti-Bachman. I got nothing.

COMMERCIAL: I mean, if some chuck wants to give a prostate exam, just walks up and says, "Let me check out your prostate," I'm probably saying no. I'll go to the doctor.

5:12 Anybody with an i-phone? Mike is standing up to talk to the rubes. Shots of people standing around.

5:12 Starts like rube interaction ("Who has kids?"), but it's about a car seat recall. Real news.

5:10 Oh, when I get older, I'll start getting my ass tested for prostate cancer, believe me. Forgive the mockery.

But if some stranger at the fair and offers you a free prostate exam...well, look around to make sure you're at the right spot.

5:09 Shots of rubes clapping and waving. If I do this another day, I'll count how many times they say the word "fair." Now they're reporting from the health fair. Really, I've already heard the word fair...WHAT! PROSTATE TESTING!?! PROSTATE TESTING AT THE FAIR!?!

COMMERCIAL: I really don't like that "save the greenbacks" commercial. Whales are endangered due to human destruction of the environment: let's sell cars!

5:07: Attendance of the fair, then shots of the fair as we go to commercial. I've already heard more real news than I expected.

5:05 Producer 1: We want to just ham it up at the fair, but we've got to cover this flooding. What do we do?
Producer 2: I've got it! Let's talk about kids at the fair who are escaping from their flooded homes!

5:05 "A chance for weary spirits to soar." America's greatest poets are writing copy for Kare 11's coverage of the fair.

5:04 I think we're done with real news. Mike is talking about the end of summer and the beginning of school, and leads to a feature from the fair.

5:03 FEMA and flooding: real news.

5:02 A murder verdict: real news.

5:02 I'm guessing every regular reporter that's not covering the fair takes some time off; that's why there's somebody I've never seen reporting from a scene.

5:01 A plane crash: real news.

5:00 Mike says, "Oh, by the way," thanks to the viewers at home for joining us. He was too busy making the rubes cheer to mention us.

4:59 BREAKING NEWS: it's a nice day at the fair.

Mike and Diane ham it up for the rubes.

Local News During the State Fair

I truly believe the anchors serving for the local news networks are hard-hitting journalists, giving us the news we need. As it happens, here is the news we need for the next 10 days:

Food you can get at the state fair.

Interviews with fair people.

Interactions with rubes that don't matter and give one word answers.

Lots of smiling and folksy banter.

More stories about the food you can get at the fair.

Behind the scenes features on how the fair works.

More stories about food, usually some sort of item on a stick.

Thank you, journalists. The fourth estate is definitely doing its service to society.

State Fair: when local anchors stop pretending to be journalists

I hope nothing really newsworthy or important ever happens in Minnesota during the State Fair, because during the fair, local news broadcasts are absolutely, utterly, positively, totally, completely, undoubtedly, indisputably, beyond

WORTHLESS.

Cheap food

My experiences as a graduate student and then as a vegan taught me a lot about shopping at the grocery store. If your #1 goal of your regular diet is affordability of food, here are a few menu items you must keep in mind. The goal of cheap food is to get around a pound of food for around a dollar--and if you can occasionally do better than that.

Frozen french fries
The cheap brands are often down to around 5 cents an ounce, and they're not bad baked.

Canned vegetables
Shop around and you can get a can of vegetables for under 50 cents. It's also an incredibly low calorie food.

Bagels
Really filling, and really quite cheap

Spaghetti
Even with the sauce, you can get a very cheap meal

These are your year-round cheap items; occasionally you can get seasonal items cheap too (I bought grapes for 89 cents a pound today). Now, can a human person live on fries, canned veggies, bagels, spaghetti, and occasional grapes? I don't know. Not happily, I suppose.

Commercials That Bug Me

There is a commercial out right now for Toyota that scares me. You may have seen it--it features people going about their lives while keys fall down from the sky like rain. Not a drizzle, either, but a downpour. Why are the people in the ad not screaming, tearing their eyeballs out, and running for cover? That's what I would do.

There was another one a while back; I think it was for credit cards or something. It involved little pairs of scissors scuttling around, jumping up and cutting people's credit cards in half. People were tossing them cards like they were ducks begging for breadcrumbs. Nobody could get over how cute the little scissors were. Let me tell you--if animate scissors were jumping around and begging me for plastic, I would crap myself. Without doubt.

Sometimes, things that are supposed to just get me to buy stuff really freaks me out.

By the way, I am so sick of the stupid Bush's Baked Beans commercials with the stupid dog I could just barf. Don't they get that it isn't funny? Nobody is watching TV, saying, "Hey, there's that stupid dog that was mildly amusing 6 years ago. I think I'll buy some beans." This campaign has gone on long enough. Even Arby's eventually gave up on the oven mitt thing. Bush's could take a lesson from them on dumping a horrible and unfunny mascot.

On the other hand, I am still getting a kick out of the Geiko cavemen. Good job, cavemen.

Fertile Meterologists

Has anyone else noticed that the weather folk around here are all having babies? Keith Marler recently had a baby (I think his name is Jack). Belinda Jenson is preggers; she's quite far along, but for some reason she always dresses so well she looks super-thin (I think she must have a personal shopper). There is someone on the weather channel as well, but I am sure she is not local. Anyway, my point is this: Sven could be next. We shall have to watch and wait.

We're Practically Best Friends Now

Well, it happened. We saw Sven. We attended the White Bear Avenue/Ramsey County parade Thursday, and Sven was there. Here is proof:


The parade was great. It was long with lots of things in it, but it moved fast so we didn't get bored waiting for it to be done. By comparison, the 4th of July parade in Afton (which we attend yearly) is SUPERLAME. The floats here were fun to see, and lots of groups (bands, dancelines, etc) were performing. People threw lots of candy, and even some creative things, like 100 calorie packs. And, of course, it featured Sven. He was the highlight. As his car approached, I ran with my baby out into the street and screamed, "Hi Sven!" to which he responded, "Hello." It was great! So, we're pretty much best friends now. I kid. But it was pretty cool! So, if Sven ever googles himself, and he reads this blog, he will now know that he talked to one of the contributers (along with hundreds of other people, who may or may not have blogs named for him).

Fun, Free Summer Entertainment

This time of year, many people get bored. There is more free time for many of us (school employees and students, anyway). We are always on the lookout for fun, free stuff to do. Well, I have the solution to eveyone's problems: Big Brother 8!

I have resented reality tv for years now, but I am not above watching it every now and again. Usually, I will watch one episode of something and score points on it with Pacifist Viking. But such is not the case with Big Brother. There is something truly addictive about this show. I like that the audience doesn't get to vote people out. I like the obvious reference to 1984. I like the fact that it is on 3 nights a week, with online episodes in case you miss one (not to mention the 24 hour live feed). I like that people have to eat nothing but slop for weeks on end. I like the 'friendships' I formed last season with Mike Boogey and Dr. Will. I like Big Brother.

Season 8 kicked off last week. It is already pretty awesome. Jen is the craziest freak I have ever met and I will continue to scream at the tv every week she doesn't get evicted. Oh, and Nick is from here (although not here--Kimball, MN). Things are pretty sweet. You all should watch it, if you need something to do this summer.

Identity Theft

Pop culture is committing a serious crime against me--it is attempting to steal my identity. Growing up, I was the only kid in the class (in the school, in the town, etc) named Sadie. I was special. I was unique. People commented on my name all the time. "That's different!" they'd say. "My great-grandmother was named that," they'd mention. "That's a dog name..." they'd quip. Did I care? Not one bit. I was a special, individual person. In high school, nobody except my close friends even knew my last name. Why would they need to? Sadie is Sadie. I was almost like Prince (but less sexy, less musical, and less popular).

Recently, there has been an alarming trend: more and more people are naming their daughters Sadie. This is terrible news. It really makes me sick to my stomach. When I was born (1980), Sadie was the 657th most popular name in America, and in 2006, it was the 157th most popular (according to the Social Security Administration). This is no fluke. This is an epidemic.

To make matters worse, Hollywood is doing its part to further popularize my name. There are two movies in theatres right now with characters named Sadie--Knocked Up and License to Wed. To the makers of these films, I say: WORLDS ARE COLLIDING! YOU'RE KILLING INDEPENDENT SADIE! I bite my thumb in their general direction.

I strongly feel like my name, and particularly the fact that it is unique, is part of what makes me who I am. I have always felt really bad for people who have common names. And now I am going to be one of them. I wonder how Sven would feel if all the little boys in town had his name. The only other Sven I have ever heard of was Sven Sundgoat, the beloved pet of a fair-going pre-teen boy. I bet Sven loves having a special name. Enjoy it while you can, Sven. It may not last.

Law & Order Rule

While the police are investigating the crime, if you see any actor or actress you recognize, that person probably did it.

I've seen this rule proven again and again. The police interview all sorts of people, most of them once in a short scene. If they interview an actor that you recognize, it's probably somebody that will get more than a one-minute scene. If the person isn't the actual perpetrator, he or she will come back in a significant way during the trial.

Try the rule, see what happens.

Public Appearance

News Alert!!

Our very own Sven Sundgaard will be the celebrity grand marshall at the White Bear Avenue parade this Thursday. The parade runs from Ivy to the fairgrounds (Frost). I am very excited! Not only is this a free entertaining event with the potential of candy, Sven will be there! I hope we see him, and he takes a picture with us, and we can post it here.

What will this entail? I have never been to this parade before, so I don't know the role of the grand marshall. Does he march in front of the parade with a big sceptor, lifting his knees high and stomping proudly while wearing a big smile? Does he ride atop a magnificent float, waving at us rubes (elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist)? Does he sit at a booth of some sort with a microphone and act as emcee, telling the crowd what is happening in the very parade they are watching? I really have no idea. I hope he is on a float or marching, though, because if he is at a booth, there is potential for us to not see him. I would rather not have to walk all the way down the parade route--I plan to sit at the corner of Ivy. Or maybe cottage.

Nobody knows what the future holds (and by future, I mean 3 days from now). But one thing is sure: Sven will be at the parade. And so will I.

Cruelty-Free Mommy used to be called Possible Flurries. I pulled a Gatz.

Marta 2

On Arrested Development, two different actresses played Marta. Leonor Varela was Marta 1 and Patricia Valasquez was Marta 2.

Today, Cruelty-free Mommy, Fox, and I were walking around the Rosedale mall. I'm starting to really love malls: on a hot day, it is pleasant to walk in big open spaces in air conditioning with people and bright colors all around you.

Walking past New York & Company, I stopped, dumbstruck. On the giant posters and ads in New York & Company, there was Marta 2! She was on about four different posters posing in different outfits. Actually, if you go to New York & Company's webpage, you'll see Marta 2, posing and smiling at you.

Advertising for Law & Order Marathons during back-to-back-to-back-to-back episodes of Law & Order

Today at 5:00 I was watching Law & Order on TNT. During a commercial, I was told that tonight there would be back-to-back episodes of Law & Order starting at 7:00. At 6:00, there was another episode of Law & Order. This is in addition to regular episodes of Law & Order on at 1:00 and 2:00 every weekday. During all of this, TNT has been advertising the Law & Order marathon on July 4th.

Here's two things I've learned from the actual episodes:

1. If you are a cop, and somebody won't tell you what you want to hear, you can just threaten the person with a subpoena, and you will hear what you want to hear.

2. If you are a trial lawyer, during the trial you are allowed to say absolutely whatever you want as long as you say "Withdrawn" immediately afterward.

Sleet and Hail: semi-angry rants that should be taken no more than semi-seriously

The Excess of Christmas
Why am I writing about Christmas now? Because one part of my family is celebrating it this weekend. We've already purchased gifts for our gift exchange. This is where we buy a gift for "Man" or "Woman" and play a game to exchange these gifts (some call it a "White Elephant" gift--we roll dice to select the wrapped gifts we want, and we can take opened gifts from others).

Hey, the game itself can be sort of fun. But does such an exercise proves that gift-giving at Christmas has evolved into mere obligation? We're supposed to give non-personal gifts to generic "Man" in the family, rather than select a gift for a person we care about to express our feelings. We do it not out of love, but because it's what we do.

Well, I got the DVD Borat for this gift exchange. Usually the gifts are something like a wallet or a flashlight or a screwdriver. If I can pull off getting Borat back for myself, I probably will.

Media, Celebrity, and Royalty
The American media spend far too much time trying to make us care about celebrities that we either don't care about or shouldn't care about. Do we also need to be forced to care about the British royal family? What are the British royals to us? Nothing. I will never bring myself to care about any of them. There's no reason for any American to watch any interview with Chuck or LeRoy or whatever Diana's kids' names are.

Weather and Grammar
It is grammatically incorrect to say the temperature is hot or the temperature is cold. Temperature is a number: this number can be called high or low if you wish. "Hot" and "cold" are subjective terms to express subjective feelings of the weather. So you can feel hot, you can say "It's hot in here," but you can't say "The temperature is hot in here." Wouldn't it sound stupid to say "The weather is low today"? Yes, it would. The temperature can be high or low, and the weather can be hot or cold.

Local News + Sitcom = Gold, Jerry, Gold.

We love local news in fiction form (one of our favorite movies is Anchorman, but my favorite fictional weather man is David Spritz of The Weather Man). So we are really excited about Fox's new fall show Back to You, featuring Kelsey Grammar and Patricia Heaton as local TV anchors. As far as we can tell, a sitcom starring Grammar and Heaton will be at least good enough not to get canceled, but it should be better than that. Any work of TV or film making fun of local TV news has to be good; that's a scientific fact.

Day Tripper

The Museum of Russian Art in Minneapolis is a spectacular place to spend a hot afternoon, and since it participates in the Museum Adventure Pass program, you can go to your local public library and get a free pass to the museum. It really is a wonderful museum, and we're lucky to have it on the Twin Cities; I highly recommend you take a visit this summer.

Is there more to Sven than meets the eye?

Sometimes I wonder if Sven is the surface level through which we experience him: the wholesome, boyish weatherman with a love for running, his family, and his goat, Minnesota to the core and sexually ambiguous. Is this Sven, or are there hidden depths to the man? Does he spend his mornings merely styling his hair, or does he face the mirror daily facing his own mortality? Does he wake ready to follow storms, or does he read Ted Hughes' poetry and quote Nietzsche? Does he struggle with on-camera interactions with rubes but carry an Oscar Wilde like wit off the camera? Is he obsessed with his perfect body and packaged appearance, or are there spiritual desires and Shakespearean complexity driving Sven? Does his blog reveal this simple good-natured fellow, or is that simply one aspect of the large man's complicated soul?

Sven seems to attend a lot of local community events. Is he a small-town fellow that enjoys the simply pleasures of a festival or parade, or does he shrewdly see these appearances as self-promotional work as Kare 11's ambassador to the community? What does it mean that his favorite movie is "Dr. Zhivago," his idols are Galileo, Newton, and Einstein, and that he likes Coldplay (or at least says all these things)? Don't some the photos on his blog not always reveal the constant smile on the pretty face and chiseled body, but a serious edginess and hard stare (or is this just the "I think I'm cool" look of a guy that obviously spends time and money making his hair look like that)?

And it must be hard to be in your mid-20s and already be a Minnesota Icon. Are his co-workers jealous? Do his competing meteorologists hold him in contempt?

If Sven is the sort of fellow to google himself, he may know this blog exists, and he may be embarrassed that a blog devoted to such brief poorly written inaninity as frugal consumerism and daytime TV also devotes energy to understanding him, a weatherman for whom we have clearly expressed mixed feelings.

Sleet and Hail: Good for business

I wanted to call your attention to a new blog by the blogger formerly known as Possible Flurries. My wife was disgusted at the cover of American Baby and was going to write a letter to the editor. I told her, don't become one of those people that writes a letter to the editor; besides, if you do so, your message is still under their control. Start a blog and complain about it--that's the new way to get your message out there. So she did. Cruelty-Free Mommy is her chance to talk about the things she wants to about parenting in our society; if that's the sort of thing that interests you, check it out.

Sven Sundgaard blogs his experience at the Grandma's Marathon here and here. As a bunch of bloggers blogging about our mixed feelings about Sven Sundgaard, we are really happy that Sven regularly maintains his blog. About Sven's blogging, we do not have mixed feelings; we moderately enjoy it.

And my recent embrace of the new Diet Mountain Dew has only enhanced my reputation as a mush-headed flip flopper. Am I fickle, or am I post-modern, baby!

Objective Distance

I used to drink Diet Mountain Dew straight out of the 2 liter bottle.

About a year and a half ago, I tasted a funny bottle of Diet Mountain Dew. Later I bought a six-pack of 24 oz. bottles, and after one or two bottles tasted funny (a grapefruit aftertaste), I sipped every bottle to test and dumped it when it tasted odd (I thought they were rotten or contaminated).

Soon after I found that this new taste was intentional; the flavor had been changed.

Outraged, I have not had any Diet Mountain Dew since (in actuality, I barely drink pop anymore: I get my caffeine from iced tea--along with antioxidants--and have a few pops a week).

But last night on a hot evening I saw a six-pack of Diet Mountain Dew, and the old associations with the crisp taste of Diet Mountain Dew came back to me, and I bought it. I figured on a hot day, even the new taste would at least make for a refreshing drink.

And tonight I drank it.

And it was good.

No: it was spectacular.

In the words of Frank Costanza, "I'm back, baby!" The love affair that seemed over for the past year has been rekindled: Diet Mountain Dew is once again my soulmate. I just needed objective distance: the taste and feel of Diet Mountain Dew is still wonderful.

The Great Mystery

I have been to many a mall. I am a shopper. What I don't understand is why a perfectly good mall--Brookdale--is always empty. I have been there three times (if memory serves). All three were weekends, and one was a few weeks before Christmas. The place is DEAD. I just don't get it. It has all the same stores most malls have (or so it seems to me). It even is one of five locations in the cities that has a Steve and Barry's, which is an awesome, super-cheap store featuring the famed Starburys for like 15 bucks and a great new clothing line by Sarah Jessica Parker. I got 6 tops from her clothing line, and it cost 47$. Craziness. So, why don't people shop at this mall?

Partly Cloudy and I were there for the SJP debut at Steve and Barry's, and we ate lunch afterward in the food court. In the food court, there was me, Partly Cloudy, Baby Viking, about 10 employees, and this bird:


Yep. A bird. It was flying all over, and hopping from table to table. Nobody seemed to notice or care. In order to leave, the bird would have to go through some glass doors, then an entryway, and then another set of glass doors. I have a feeling the bird has found a home. Fortunately, it's probably a pretty safe home, since there are no shoppers there to do it harm.

Confrontation and Discussion

I'm going to say what needs to be said: if you go to a restaurant to order pasta you are a sucker.

It may seem like a good deal, but it's not. You've seen pasta in the grocery store: it's extraordinarily cheap. If you were really really frugal, you could live on pasta every day and barely spend anything.

Possible Flurries and I just had a massive spaghetti meal featuring broccoli in the sauce and cheese bread on the side. I estimate the meal cost us $4.25 combined. Combined! If we got that at a restaurant, I'd expect it to cost around $8 each. And all it took was a little effort to cook.

So don't be a sucker. There are some things that can be cost effective to purchase at a restaurant (it would be hard to reproduce a Subway veggie sub at home for the cost you can get it at the restaurant. Now I'm going to go throw up because I just called Subway a restaurant. Someday, when this blog really devolves, I'll start sharing stories of the summer I worked at Subway). But pasta is not. If you want to make a killing, open a restaurant that serves pasta. The raw products cost little, but if you cook it, people will pay you a lot for it.

But don't go to a restaurant to overpay for a meal you could easily throw together yourself. Because it takes little to no skill and very little effort to make freaking spaghetti. Any rube can make spaghetti, and make it very cheap.

And now for discussion. Several months ago, WCCO did a story on generic and store brand products. One question Ben Tracy asked people was "Is there anything you wouldn't buy generic?" And that's a good question for this blog, since generic and store brand products are a necessary aspect of a frugal life.

So I'm turning this question to our readers.

Is there anything you wouldn't buy generic? What products do you require brand name only?

For me there are two: ketchup and beverages. I only want Heinz ketchup, and I don't want any generic pop, or any generic iced tea, or anything generic I have to drink (other than booze: only the cheapest gin for me, thank you very much).

Sleet and Hail: Minnesota, home of malls

How do you stay cool during these miserable hot muggy days? I have a suggestion: let somebody else pay to air condition you. There are places you can go for extended periods of time during which nobody will ask you to leave, nobody will expect you to do anything, and nobody will expect you to buy anything. Go to a mall: you can spend a long time walking around a mall amused without spending any money (and if you want to buy a cheap snack, why not?). Go to a library: they are air conditioned, they have books and magazines to entertain you, and there's no expectation to do anything. Stay cool on somebody else's dime.

We do not have mixed feelings about KSTP's Patrick Hammer: we like him. He really explains the reasons for the weather patterns well. Thanks, Patrick Hammer: I now understand the meteorological reasons why I will hate life until Monday.

If you dislike Star-Tribune columnist Katherine Kersten, you may enjoy my recent critique of her latest column at Costanza Book Club.

Stock Footage

Finally, another post about TV news!

Whenever I flip channels, I catch MSNBC covering the immigration bill. While talking about the details (rarely) and politics (more often) of the possible legislation, I always see the same footage of some guys running around out in the grass. Evidently, these are illegal aliens trying to illegally cross the border. But it's always the same guys.

How useful is television news? Not very. When it provides stock footage to supplement a story (which actually never tells anything about the specific story, and provides no meaningful insight), and it provides the same stock footage again and again, you know you could just as easily get your news from a print source or the internet.

Cheapness Tip

Bored with your home? Don't spend money on anything new to add; don't worry about getting an interior decorator.

Just rearrange the damn furniture.

Twin Cities Frugality Report

From somebody who thinks George Costanza isn't cheap, but really rather reasonable.

My week spending no money.
I last spent money around 8:30 last Sunday. Today I went grocery shopping at 10:30 (I could have waited until 8:30, but since I was buying fresh produce, and the produce sitting out in the morning would be the same produce sitting out at night, I thought it better to get it early and make use of it through the day).

By the end of the week, we were out of canned green veggies (if you've lived day to day in our home the past few months, you know how ridiculous that is), no fresh lettuce (also ridiculous in context), no fresh broccoli (painful), and no fresh fruit (oddly, I did discover a forgotten bag of fresh baby carrots). For a vegetarian household, that is untenable.

So how much did I spend at the grocery store to make up for a week of buying no groceries? Under $37. If there's a frugality hall of fame, I would like to nominate myself for membership.

Is it ever worth it to buy coupons?
Coupons are everywhere. They get mailed to your house, they come in products you buy, and they come in the newspaper. So should you ever buy a book of coupons?

We did (well, since it was a week of spending no money for me, I left this decision entirely up to Possible Flurries, and she did). For $26, PF bought a Papa Johns coupon book featuring 3 free large pizzas (meaning if we use nothing else, we got 3 large pizzas for $8.67 each), four 50% off extra-large pizzas, and probably a dozen buy a pizza-get one menu item free (including another pizza as far as we can tell) coupons.

So was it worth it? We hope so.

Semi-offensive confession about ethnicity.
Along with being cheap (I don't think there's any ethnic reason for that), I have an absolute obsession with punctuality. I cannot abide being late for anything. I hate it. This may be because I am German, and I have the German adoration of punctuality (I also have the German desire to be drunk, which is like the Irish desire to be drunk, but a lot less fun).

This morning Possible Flurries and I were running late for church. But in addition to being German, I am Scandinavian, meaning I am intensely passive aggressive. I rarely express my anger directly, but instead express it in passive and indirect expressions. So while I may have angrily blamed the rest of my family for our tardiness, I couldn't directly express my anger at PF or little Fox. Instead I said things like, "Gosh, I wonder how we can be just two minutes late. Five minutes I could understand, but two minutes? If we just got up two minutes earlier, or rushed through something, or skipped something, we'd make it." There's the passive-aggressive nature: I substituted "we" for "you" to make it seem like I was complaining as much about myself as anybody. PF often gets to deal with my passive-aggressive remarks about all sorts of things. When she complains, I say, "Hey, I'm Scandinavian."

At one point I said, "I just hate being late for church." PF said, "People are late for church every week." "I know," I said, "but I always judge them" (I'm actually a very non-judgmental person, I think--it's not my Lutheran self-righteousness but my German surliness that leads to this judging of tardy church-goers).

So we arrived late, I was angry enough to snap at PF when she asked if we should put the car seat in the coat area, and we snuck into the wing. Every few minutes another family would come in late, and I refrained from judgment since I also was late. Of course, it became clear that every single group that was late had small children, and so it is quite clear why some people (including us) could be late for church.

So there you have it...
Boy, has this blog devolved from a lame commentary about local weather reporters into a semi-journal about PV's stupid life of cheapness and punctuality. We'll try get the focus back on Sven.

Shenanigans!

Tonight's Kare 11 weather broadcast
I thought Sven's tie was way too big/wide.

When I saw the weather forecast, I said, "Uff da, I'm going to want to put in the air conditioner this weekend." Possible Flurries then berated me for using the phrase "Uff da." As a German-Scandinavian Minnesotan, I don't know how I could not use the phrase "Uff da." That's life.

My week of spending no money
Early on it was easy enough: now I look at the fridge and cupboards and despair. I've eaten all the canned green veggies, all the lettuce, all the fresh broccoli, all the apples. Now it's frozen fries and boxed pastas until Sunday night.

Since I'm not spending money, I actually haven't even entered a vehicle of any sort this week.

"No I'm sorry, it's the Moops."
If you are frugal, one way to enjoy the time is playing games. Tonight Possible Flurries and I played Book Lover's Trivial Pursuit. I almost went bonkers when the question asked which book ended Alexandre Dumas' three musketeers stories. I said The Vicomte DeBraglione, or Ten Years After (sp?). The card said The Man in the Iron Mask. Now, this is sort of true: the last three musketeers book was The Vicomte DeBraglione, but it was so long, it is often published (maybe even first published--in point of fact it was published serially first, so I'm not entirely sure how it started as an actual book) in three separate books: The Vicomte DeBraglione, The Lady De Valliere, and The Man in the Iron Mask. Frankly, I'm not sure if I've got any of the titles or facts right in this claim, as you'll see why in the next bit.

Update #1: sober PV checked his facts. Here's what Dumas' wikipedia page reads:

"The Vicomte de Bragelonne (Le Vicomte de Bragelonne, ou Dix ans plus tard, 1847): When published in English it was usually split into three parts: The Vicomte de Bragelonne, Louise de la Valliere, and The Man in the Iron Mask, of which the last part is the most known."

And the page for Vicomte de Bragelonne:

"The Vicomte of Bragelonne: Ten Years Later (Le Vicomte de Bragelonne ou Dix ans plus tard) is a novel by Alexandre Dumas, père. It is the third and last of the d'Artagnan Romances following The Three Musketeers and Twenty Years After. It appeared first in serial form between 1847 and 1850. In the English translations the 268 chapters of this large volume are usually subdivided into three, but sometimes four or even five individual books. In three-volume English editions, the three volumes are titled 'The Vicomte de Bragelonne', 'Louise de la Vallière', and 'The Man in the Iron Mask.'"

So, Book Lover's Trivial Pursuit: you have upset me. This is nearly as upsetting as when I was playing "You Don't Know Jack" (I think part 2) on the computer with Possible Flurries, and according to the game, Romeo and Juliet were not married. I'm not sure I've played the game since: what's the sense in playing a game that gets such a basic and obvious fact wrong?

Update #2: Here is the exact wording of the question:

What Alexandre Dumas novel concluded the adventures of The Three Musketeers?

So, if you were me, would you be upset if you confidently answered, "The Vicomte de Bragelonne, or, Ten Years After," only to be told the correct answer is "The Man in the Iron Mask"?

A lesson for the kids
Do you know why you store your gin in the freezer? So it doesn't melt your ice, and you don't have a watered down drink.

I'm still mad
It's been about a year and a half, and I still can't believe Diet Mountain Dew changed its flavor. It's just not fair.

The celebrity I'd most like to see, meet, or be photographed with:

William Shatner. No question.



What other celebrity combines legitimate legendary icon with funny campy irony? Nobody. If I saw him, I'd say, "Holy crap. I can't believe that's William Shatner." He's a legend. But he's also slightly ridiculous enough that such a sighting would fill me with funny giddiness.

What celebrity would you most like to see, meet, or be photographed with?

Summer fun for TV and cheapness

TV
Sometimes when a new month comes along, there are changes in TV programming. So now it's between 3:00 and 4:00 and TNT is showing another episode of Law & Order instead of Charmed. Yippee! Update: today seems to be a marathon, so I don't know if it's a permanent change.

I really hate Angie Harmon's character. I don't get why she has to be so rude, mean, condescending, and sarcastic to everybody. My favorite of Jack McCoy's assistants was Serena, the liberal blonde.

Cheapness
I made a wild claim Sunday night around 9:15 that I would not spend a dime this week. As I was called on it, I made it an oath--I will not spend a dime until next Sunday night at 9:15. Nothing could be easier. I don't have anywhere to go, I have plenty of food at home, and I spend my days taking care of a baby. It's supremely easy not to spend any money at all this week. I'm looking forward to the challenge.

Outrage!

I need to share with you a great injustice. It's an injustice that is going widely ignored by the mainstream press. It's something that must be part of the dialogue of the populace.

Season Eight of Seinfeld is coming out on DVD the first week in June.

THIS IS A TRAVESTY.

Seinfeld DVD seasons should always come out in late November, so somebody can buy them for me for Christmas. That it comes out now forces me to either buy it now, or wait and hope somebody still remembers to get it for me. This is only the second season to come out at a time other than the Christmas shopping season: Season Four came out around April two years ago. All the other seasons came out in time to be purchased as Christmas gifts.

And now people like J-Rod and me have decisions to make.

TRAVESTY. OUTRAGE. INJUSTICE.

Do they do this on purpose?

This blog was started to talk about local TV because we don't spend money. Now I get TNT, so while taking care of my son, I get to watch a lot of Law & Order. So now on this blog I comment on Law & Order too much. Deal.

Today on TNT, a Law & Order episode ("Savages"), two (count them, two) actors from Godspell were guest stars. Jesus himself, Victor Garber, was on trial, and the judge was played by Lynn Thigpen, who was one of Jesus's disciples in Godspell.

The casting director had to have this in mind, right? Freaking Godspell?

Whatever happened to Jordana Green?

Remember former WFTC news anchor Jordana Green? WFTC is the local channel affiliated with My29, but before that it was affiliated with UPN and had a local news broadcast, and Jordana Green was a "weeknight anchor" (she also evidently used to be an anchor in Indianapolis). Well today I thought I saw her on TV shilling for some product.

Apparently she might now be hawking wares--you can learn about her, or hire her, here at talentpoole.com.

Her skills are "Reading from teleprompter, Ad libbing."

So you tell me, people: are TV anchors "journalists," "actors," or "advertisers"? Let's just call them "talent."

Addendum: somebody at KFAN Rube Chat thinks she was shilling for CLR, which is some sort of cleaning product.

Feeling Our Age

Today Possible Flurries and I were driving with our son and nephew to a party. On the way, we learned that our nephew had never even heard of Jerry Seinfeld, and we listened to his ideas on "hippies." According to him, just about anybody that is old is a hippy, and this includes his 80 year old great grandmother, George W. Bush, and Jesus.

On the drive, we saw a sign informing us that David Spade would be performing at a local casino. "That would be fun," PF observed.

And then she came with the hammer: "We've reached the age where comedians we still think are funny are performing at local casinos."

I swore out loud realizing I am now old. As time goes on, more and more of the performers I still consider good are going to be showing all the signs of being washed up, and there's no greater sign than performing at a Minnesota casino. Recently the lady from "Mama's Family" did a show. And now David Spade, one of our favorite funny guys, is doing shows at a local casino.

Slight Drizzle

Jason DeRusha notes that WCCO's "Good Question" is getting a feature on a national show. As Partly Cloudy and Pleasant once asked, if you have a good question, why do you think asking random rubes on the street is the best way to get an answer? I can think of two other much better ways to get your answer. But let's not kid ourselves: a local TV news broadcast isn't the best place to go to get an answer about anything. Well, unless the question is "what sort of stock footage of women can be used during a feature about birth control?" or "How do you make a story personal by interviewing a random citizen?"

Minnesota Monthly says that "Everything You Know About Minnesota is Wrong."

The Consumerist reports on a special screw that costs $82.49.

Why are the people on "Law and Order" so mean?

The police on "Law and Order" are always rude and often threatening to those they question--even when the people they are questioning are not suspects, but simply might know something. They're often mean to people who they don't believe did anything wrong at all. Do police generally act rude and threatening during an investigation? Is that common procedure?

The prosecutors can be just as bad. Angie Harmon's character is the worst: smug and rude, she's always displaying a combination of power and condescension.

Cell Phones and Me

My friends and family are frequently frustrated with me. They call my cell phone and it rings and rings and rings.

It's not that I look at the phone and snub people. When I go out, I often forget my phone. When I'm in one room I often don't hear the cell phone ringing in another room.

And I don't care. I always get a chance to call back and talk to the person trying to call.

Where does this idea come from that all humans must be technologically/communicatively available 24/7? It is OK to have some solitude, some reclusiveness, some separation from the world.

I don't get my cell phone. I don't like my cell phone. People call me and I talk to them and I like that (because I do like the people that try to call me). But I think people would be happier if I drilled a hole in my head and inserted a mini-cell in there so that they could have constant access to me.

Kent Brockman is now Sven Sundgaard

BREAKING NEWS: Kent Brockman was just demoted to weekend weatherman. He is despondent over this sad state of affairs. We'll keep you posted with any updates.

UPDATE: As if being a weekend weatherman for a local news station is not enough embarrassment, Kent Brockman has been fired.

UPDATE: We've just reached the commercial after the second segment of The Simpsons; will there be enough time in segment three to bring everything back to normal? To recap, Kent Brockman was fired for going Ron Burgundy with the swears. WHMFASS will be your primary instant update for Kent Brockman's fate on this episode of The Simpsons.

UPDATE: Kent is now sleeping on the Simpsons' couch.

UPDATE: Kent is now doing pirate news reports from...the Simpsons' basement?

UPDATE: Kent is giving news over the internet, and Dracula has been shamed for messing up pizza orders.

UPDATE: Kent has been rehired by the network (with 50% pay increase), disappointing Lisa who had admired his independent spirit.

UPDATE: So after Kent Brockman faced the shame of holding Sven Sundgaard's job...

UPDATE: Everything is back to normal.

Frugality Report: Smoker's Budget, Teabags, Fresh Broccoli

Smoker's Budget
Possible Flurries and I were estimating how much money per year a typical addicted smoker spends. When discussing the numbers, I said, "It sort of makes my football card habit seem pretty light." Possible Flurries replied, "It sort of makes my buying groceries habit seem pretty light." And then I said, "Think of all the things we could justify buying if we said, 'Well, I don't smoke: this is the money I would spend on cigarettes, so I can spend it on something else.'" Let's go out to eat: we'll take the money from our smoker's budget. Let's get tickets to a play: we don't smoke, so we'll just take the money we would have spent on cigarettes if we did.

Of course that's not a reasonable way to make spending decisions, but it has a certain sense to it. If we budgeted as if we were both smokers, there would be all sorts of things we could do with the money we are actually not spending on cigarettes.

Teabagging
I've switched from pop to iced tea, with great success. But there is a frugal way to acquire iced tea. If you buy Lipton's Iced Tea in 16.9 oz bottles, a 12 pack usually costs around $6.00 (usually between $5.50-6.50). But you can buy these little packets that you can just mix into your water. They're usually around $2.50 for a pack of 10 (between $2-$3, but usually $2.50). The benefits are overwhelming. First, your cost per drink goes from around 50 cents to around 25 cents. Second, you don't need storage space: I've got 34 packets in a cupboard right now, as opposed to 34 packets sitting around the kitchen or in the fridge. And finally, you save on waste: instead of using up a new bottle with each drink, you use up a very small packet.

Fresh Broccoli
Fresh broccoli stalks are usually under $1.70 for a fixed amount (3-4 stalks wrapped up). You have the crowns, but you have a long stem, too. You can eat the stems if you want. However, if you are willing to cut off the crowns yourself, you can throw away the stems and still save money (I think). Buying fresh broccoli crowns, cut by the store, is like $3.99 per pound. Buying frozen broccoli crowns is (if memory serves) around two dollars a pound or more. But I think when I buy the stalks, I'm getting a pound or more of crowns, so by just cutting off the crowns myself, I'm saving money. Sometimes I do steam the stems with the crowns; other times, I just toss them because the crowns are the good part.